


Catch Timing

by SpicyCheese



Category: Orphan Black (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - College/University, Everything basically, F/F, Humor, M/M, Multi, Romance, Rowing, maybe a bit of angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-10
Updated: 2014-11-01
Packaged: 2018-02-08 07:42:25
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 48,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1932489
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SpicyCheese/pseuds/SpicyCheese
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>College Rowing AU where Beth and the rest of the gang are on the crew team. Alison is a recent transfer to the school and her friend convinces her to try out as a coxswain.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

*_*_*_*_*

 

“Give me one reason why not.”

“I don’t need to give you a reason. You should just respect my decision. Which is no.”

“That’s shite, and you know it,” Felix huffs, as he plops back down on the couch next to Ramon. “You were just sayin’ that you wanted to make some friends- well here’s your chance!”

“Felix,” Alison begins, pacing a bit, “I don’t know the first thing about _crewing_ …”

“You can start by just calling it ‘rowing’, Hon.” Ramon smiles from the couch, stretching out so his feet are draped over Felix’s lap. “It’s the _crew team_ , and we do _rowing_.”

“Well _you_ don’t. You jus’ do the yellin’ bit,” Felix smirks at his boyfriend.

“Yeah, I cox,” Ramon states, tracking Alison as she paces by his head again.

“Yes, you certainly do…” Felix smirks before leaning in to kiss Ramon.

Alison rolls her eyes, “See! I don’t even know what that is! What in heaven's name made you think I’d be good at it? At-at-“

“Coxing?” Ramon offers, coming up for air for a moment.

“Yes. That. See! I can’t even say it- are you sure that’s what it’s called.”

Ramon chuckles again. “Pretty sure, since I do it 6 days a week.” Felix chuckles beside him again, though Ramon ignores it. “I’m a coxswain. And I think you’d be an excellent one as well. You meet all the requirements- you’re efficient, punctual, a perfectionist, attentive and you are truly excellent at yelling at people and bossing them around…”

“ _I do not yell and boss people around_!“ Alison pauses, and drops a bit of the harshness-realizing she was proving her point. “But really though, why are you pushing this?”

“Listen, the Women’s team is desperate. Their coxswain came down a bad case of _expelled-for-plagiarism_ and their asking everyone if we know anyone at all who can fill in. Just for the remainder of the fall season- they said they can do a more expansive search over winter training once they’re off the water again, but they just need someone stat or they won’t have a boat for their Head Races coming up…”

“Coxing. Head Races. You know, someone truly gay must have started this sport…” Felix quirks an eyebrow.

“The English, Hon. And you know how gay _they_ can be…” Ramon grabs Felix’s shirt, tugging him back the few to his lips again for a quick kiss before adding to Alison, “Also you’re small.”

“What?” She says, stopping to look at him again.

“You know- _small_. Petite? It’s a good thing in a coxswain. So, whatdayathink? At the very least- you can meet some new people. Make some friends?- Not that we don’t love you to pieces…”

Alison pauses, mulling it over. _Rowing_. It’d been a long time since she’d done a team sport. Sure, she’d done soccer as a child (along with every other 2d and 3d grader) but after that she focused on dance and then just theater in High School. In short, much more singular, individualized pursuits. As a rule, she usually did not like team sports, favoring activities she could do and practice on her own instead of depending on other people for success.

_And where has that led? Being on my own?_ She thinks. _High school GPA of 3.6, the lead in the Spring production “Kiss Me, Kate”, and very little else._ She had always thrown herself into her work, be it school or acting, and consequently while she had several acquaintances, people she would eat lunch and small talk with- like Ainsley, her only real friend had been Ramon- who she’s known since they were very little _._

It didn’t help the isolation that she spent her Freshman year at Community college, living at home and commuting. Despite her grades in high school and the few scholarships she got, she just didn’t have the money to jump right to University after high school. So she stayed at home, worked at the same local diner she always had, saved her money and tried not to get discouraged.

Ramon told her University wasn’t any big deal, but Alison knew better. She had dreamed of going since Elementary school. Learned Professors, the Quad, the freedom from her ridiculously suburban lifestyle- finally. Every movie and TV show told her this was supposed to be amazing- though so far it felt a bit like a dressed up version of her community college.

“Well, you may have a point. About meeting new people, that is...” She purses her lips. “I’m a Sophomore in college and I suppose I should make an effort…”

“Excellent.” Ramon grins. “You’re going to meet some _cool_ people too. Hell- maybe you’ll even get a date out of it- lots of _eligible gentlemen_ on the team. And, I mean, that’s how we met.” He pinches Felix, who swats the offending fingers away.

“Yeah, my sisters are on the team,” Felix adds. “Adopted sisters, that is. They introduced Ramon and I at the first team party last year and we’ve been _coxing_ ever since.” Felix grins and Ramon shoves him again lightly.

Dating was not exactly on the top of Alison’s priorities list. Other than being the incessant victim of Ainsley’s boyfriend Chad’s flirting, and the occasional blind date or set up, Alison had very limited experience in that department. The way she saw it, she just hadn't met anyone she was interested enough in to bother with- which was fine by her, since she always had her academics or extracurriculars to keep her busy.

Alison rolls her eyes again at her two friends- now shoving eachother and chuckling on the couch. “Fine! Fine. I'll try it out. So what do I do? Where do I go? Also- I can’t have this interfering with my auditioning for the upcoming productions…”

“Relax,” Ramon says. He sits up, removing his legs from Felix’s and now facing her. “It definitely won’t. We practice in the morning. Just come over here, to the apartment, and we’ll drive down together.”

“Okay, what time?”

“We have to be there at 5am. So we’ll leave at 4:45.”

“5 AM???” She yelps.

“Oh please.” Felix says, standing and stretching, before sashaying to the kitchen for some water. “You’re up _almost_ that early doing that ridiculous workout video of yours…”

“It’s not ridiculous- it’s ‘Hip-Hop Abs’ and it’s an _excellent_ workout, I’ll have you know…” She nods curtly to Felix before addressing Ramon again. “I’ll be here. Now, I should get back to the dorm-I’ll see you both later.” She collects her purse and jacket before heading out the door.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

The walk back to the dorm was a short one. Ramon’s tiny apartment was situated just on the other side of the road from the east corner of campus, making it very convenient indeed. Alison shook her head, feeling the little flame of jealousy spring up as she walks down the whitewashed hall of her dorm, approaching her room. _Ramon has his own apartment. Albeit disgusting, he has his own place._ She’s well aware that the only reason he can afford it is due to some additional income from his… side businesses, but she ignores the rational, instead choosing to stick with her initial instinct of jealous frustration. _It’s not fair that he doesn’t have to share. That he has all that space to do with as he wishes…_ Alison takes out her key, unlocking her dorm room door and opening slowly, having a good idea what lay in store.

_…where as I, have this._

She sighs as she takes in the familiar sight of her roommate stamping out the joint and scrambling to open the window- fanning the pot smoke out with a handful of papers off her desk.

“Shit- Alison *cough * Sorry!- I didn’t think you’d be home so quick.”

“Cosima…” Alison pinches the bridge of her nose, squelching her eyes shut for a moment before opening them again. “We’ve talked about this-you could get us in trouble!”

“Yeah, yeah, I know,” She shakes her head, causing her long, dreads to sway. “But our RA barely leaves her room, so seriously, we’re not going to get in trouble…”

“Not the point.” Alison hangs her purse neatly over her bedpost before sitting down on the bed, and facing her roommate once more. “It’s about respect. It’s about respecting each other. We’re going to be roommates for the next 9 months, and I would hope we could do that at the least…”

Cosima stares at her for a moment, before a slow grin grows. “You know, you should loosen up. My offer still stands if you want to _partake_ …”She nods in the direction of the now extinguished joint.

“No. Thank you.” Alison declines politely. She crosses her legs on the bed, and picks up her Intro to Psychology textbook, thumbing to where she’d left off in the assigned chapter.

“Okay, okay, it’s an open invitation. Just sayin’,” Cosima drops the papers from her impromptu fan back on her desk, just as her phone buzzes.

Alison peeks over the top of her book and catches her roommate grinning at her phone, busily texting a reply.

“Must be a good text...” Alison says as lightly as she can. She doesn’t _want_ to pry- but she’s curious.

“Not really,” Cosima says, laying back on her bed. There’s a little flush to her roommate’s cheeks, that she tried to mask but Alison catches it.

“Oh come on,” Alison grins. “Who is it? Is it that tall guy with the glasses I saw you talking to after class last week? He had a cute smile…”

“Who? Scott?”

“Yeah, Scott then.”

“No- Scott’s cool and all, but it’s…” Cosima bites her lip and to Alison it looks like she’s deciding whether not to share. Finally she shrugs. “Well, if you must know, it’s the TA in my Chemistry 205 course.”

“What?!?” Alison chirps. “A TA- Cosima you can’t do that! It’s not allowed.”

“Hey, don’t knock who I like! I mean, at least I’m going out and meeting people, instead of spending every evening hiding in my textbooks…”

Alison can feel the flush creep up her neck. She steels her face though, not wanting to give her roommate the satisfaction of knowing just how much it stung. _And how unfortunately accurate it is_.

Cosima realizes it though and sighs. “Sorry- I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings. It’s just… You’re my roommate and we’ve been here almost a month and a half and other than your friend who lives off campus, I never see you go anywhere or do anything. It’s college! This is our prime man! Enjoy it!”

Cosima’s phone buzzes again, and she glances at it quickly before gathering up her jacket and bag. She turns to Alison, smiling at her. “And on that note- I’m gotta run. Look, just,” she makes a motion with her hands, “just think about it. There’s so much cool stuff to do- you just gotta make the plunge, right? I’ll see ya!” She waves quickly before closing the door behind her.

“I’ll meet people…” Alison mumbles to herself, brushing her bangs out of her eyes a bit before attending back to her book in her lap. _I’ll meet people. Starting tomorrow morning_.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

5am is much colder than she expected. As Ramon and Alison walked from his car to the boathouse, she silently wishes she had worn something warmer instead of just her pink North Face fleece. She did, thankfully, remember her matching ear warmer headband. At least her ears won’t be cold.

They walk through the gate and into the boathouse itself- which Alison observes is nothing more than a giant warehouse-looking garage. Long skinny boats are stored upside down on shelf/racks on either wall. They walk down towards the other end where a group of 20 or so students are milling around. While t-shirts and sweatshirts varied, Alison is surprised that each and every one of them is wearing spandex shorts. She hopes her own Lulumons will suffice.

Ramon guides her over to a tall, frowning woman, scribbling on a clipboard.

“Coach S? This is Alison, a candidate for coxswain for you all…”

The coach looks over her clipboard, appraising Alison. "Do you have any rowing experience, love?"

"No."

"Any coxing experience?"

"No."

She levels his blank gaze at her again, and Alison isn’t exactly sure what it means. She purses her lips a moment, before forming a small gentle smile. "That's okay. We'll help you figure it out. Thank you for coming."

The coach then turns to the group of girls to her left. "Alright listen up!" She hollers, and Alison jumps just an inch. "This is Alison. She's going to be our new coxswain. Now, she has no rowing experience and no coxing experience..." The group lets out a barely stifled groan. "Oi! Quiet! Now, by some MIRACLE one of the men's coxswains found her, so everybody CLAP because she's saving our rear-ends..."

The group glumly puts their hands together slowly, a few meager claps slipping out.

"Good.” She nods, satisfied. “Now, where's Beth?"

“Here, Coach.” A girl slides out from the crowd to the front. Alison is struck by her, unsure of why though. _Do I know her? She looks familiar…_

"Beth-I want you to help Alison out.”

Beth’s gaze flits to Alison, meeting her eyes, before- ever so briefly- running up and down the length of her. Alison feels a twinge in her stomach. _She’s sizing me up? She’s literally sizing me up?_ She sees the Beth girl quirk an eyebrow at her and Alison can tell by the set of her mouth, that’s she’s not exactly impressed. “Okay, Coach S. You got it.”

“Alright,” Coach S moves on, unaware of the silent exchange between the two girls. “You’re all going to be on the Ergs again today-“ Another collective groan- this one without restraint, rises up from the spandex clad girls. “-QUIET! As I was saying, I want 20 x 500 meters today. I want splits written down from you all- and no more grumbling.” She turns back to Alison, “You’re coming with me in the launch boat, love. We’ll follow the men’s team out this morning so you can get an idea of what it’s all about.“ She pauses, before turning to Beth again, “You come too. You can start helping her this morning.”

“Oi!”

Alison turns her attention to another girl who's stepped out in front of the rest now. She has dark hair, and a Clash t-shirt with the sleeves cut off. “Why does Childs get to skip the workout! S’not exactly fair, ain’t it?”

Alison makes note of the accent _. This is probably one of the sisters Felix mentioned_.

“Sarah, you know she’ll do it, just _later_. And I picked her because she’s the _team captain_ so why don’t you just worry about yourself. 20 x 500’s. I want them when I get back.” She turns, and heads out of the boat house. The girl with the English accent rolls her eyes and starts to heads off with rest of crowd, but not before giving pointed glare toward Alison. Before she could say anything, the angry girl- _Sarah was it?_ -turns and heads towards the rowing machines at the other end of the building.

Alison feels lost, and turns back to Beth for assurance, but Beth is already pulling on sweatpants over her shorts and moving past her to follow the same route as the coach. After a brief moment of hesitation, Alison manages to will her feet to move and follows the girl outside as well. She walks a few paces behind Beth as they head down the ramp towards the water.

Coach S, already in the small motor boat, hands her and Beth a life vests. Alison sees Beth roll her eyes and the coach must catch it too, as she mumbles “Don’t give me sass, it’s required,” before tending to the motor.

Beth dawns her vest with a sigh before stepping off the dock and into the aluminum boat. Alison notes how gracefully she does so, confident, an unwavering trust that her body will get it done despite both surfaces bobbing and moving slightly.

Alison begins her own transition with a bit more trepidation. She grips the edge of the boat with both hands before stepping in with her left leg. Unfortunately, with the shift of her body weight, the boat drifts a bit from the dock- just far enough for her to lose her balance and tumble forward inside. She lands, a mess of arms and legs on cold metal and warm skin.

Alison can feel herself flush as she realizes she’s basically tumbled into Beth’s lap. She tries not to look at her, instead righting herself and sitting on the metal bench, as if that embarrassment never happened. When she finally does glance to the girl now seated to her left, she finds a slight smile on her lips.

“Are you always this awkward?”

Alison narrows her eyes, and is about to retort when the coach starts up the engine, backing out of the spot which jolts her forward. She almost slides off the seat when she suddenly feels a firm grip on her arm, catching her from falling. Beth’s hands are warm and the cold air doesn’t feel quite as cold with them there. Alison repositions herself, now bracing her feet, so it won’t happen again.

She looks to Beth, who’s hand is still secure on her upper arm. The hold is not vicelike, but it’s strong and secure, but also gentle, and so are her eyes. Alison feels a light flutter in her stomach and swallows her earlier retort. _She didn’t let me fall. She can’t be all that bad._

Beth looks at her own hand, suddenly realizing it is still on Alison’s arm, and lets go. Alison watches as that light, the little softness in her eyes is chased away and replaced with the same bravado and swagger from earlier. She smirks again, “Guess that answers my question.”

Alison straightens herself, and brushes her bangs out of her eyes a bit. “Hopping in and out of boats all willy-nilly isn’t something I’m exactly accustom to.”

“Well,” Beth begins, leaning a bit closer, causing that little flutter in Alison’s stomach to return. “We’ll just have to fix that won’t we?”

Alison pauses, not sure how to respond. Beth just grins again, and pulls away. Sitting back as the coach cranks up the engine behind, sending them all speeding off towards the men’s team in the distance.

 

*_*_*_*_*


	2. Chapter 2

 

Beth bites her lip. It only took 2 or 3 minutes for the coach’s small boat to catch up with the men’s team, but it’s cold and the wind’s made her eyes water. They slow and keep pace with the rowing shell, riding just off their stern so the waves from their wake wouldn’t disturb the crew boat.

Beth stretches one of her legs out, enjoying the feeling in her hamstrings.

_Damn. Even Erging would be better than wasting 2 hours in the launch_ , she thinks. Beth glances at the girl next to her- the awkward, pink-clad newbie that she was now in charge of making into a real coxswain. _Like I need another project_.

Beth glances to her side once again _. She is kinda cute though… No. Stop_. The though pops up completely unbidden and she chastises herself silently, gritting her teeth. _What the hell Childs? She’s clearlystraight and y_ _ou have enough to worry about just teaching her…_

She sighs, and turns to Alison and begins. “So… this is it. Rowing.” She pauses.

“That’s it? All you have to offer is ‘Here’s rowing’?”

“ _Sorry_. It’s just- there’s so much, it’s kinda hard to begin…” Beth rubs the back of her neck awkwardly, while she searches for a starting point. “Um, yeah. Let’s just… okay, we’ll start with the obvious. This is an 8. 8 rowers, one coxswain. For you, and for all intents and purposes, just know that those 8 people in front of you, are basically reindeer.”

“Reindeer?”

“Yeah. We’re not there to think- we’re there just there to pull the sleigh and do whatever you tell us to do. You’re the one in control.”

“So are you saying I’m Santa Claus in the scenario?”

“Well, you are wearing a fluffy red coat…”

“It’s _pink_.”

“Whatever. The point is, the coxswain is in charge. You’re the leader. _You_ steer the boat, literally. _You_ get the team pumped and motivated to keep working hard. _You_ call people out when they’re messing up and tell them how to fix it, and you keep track of splits and ratings-“ Beth raises a finger, shushing Alison’s already proposed question “-don’t worry, I’ll get back to that later. The point is- the coxswain is essential. You guys do all the thinking, so we don’t have to. We’ve got enough to worry about with our own technique. Got it?”

The girl next to her nods her head in understanding, her bangs fluffing in the wind. _She looks… overwhelmed._ _Okay, maybe it was a bit much_ … Beth decides to soften things a bit.

“Look, I know you just got thrown into this and I know it’s a lot, but it’s really not so bad once you get it. You’ll just have to trust me.”

Alison’s brow furrows at this and for a moment, Beth and it feels like Alison is looking at her like she’s an equation she’s trying to solve. After a brief pause, the girl with the bangs nods and says, “Okay. I will. I’ll trust you,” before turning her attention back to the men’s team rowing beside them.

Beth isn't exactly sure why she should be so pleased with the idea of this new girl, all in pink, trusting her, but she can't deny the smile that's slowly spread across her face. 

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

The rest of the morning was a blur to Alison. After an awkward start, it seemed like Beth had finally come around to being a bit more...helpful, and was able to give her an overview of a lot more rowing basics. She had no idea there was so much to rowing. Alison was doubtful, when she got up this morning, if the sport would be something she could truly get invested in. Honsetly she still wasn't sure, but she WAS sure of was that if anyone could get her excited about it, it was this girl Beth.

Beth talked about crew like it magic. The sheer passion she had for it came accross in her face, the way it lit up. Alison suspected Beth could be talking about the materials the boats were made out of and Alison would be rivited- that's the kind of furvor she expressed.  

As it were, Alison was just trying to keep up with all the information. Beth told her about what proper technique looked like- what to look for, where someone’s body and oar blade should be at what point. She learned that when a rower’s compressed all the way at the front of their slide (apparently the seats in the boat slide!) right as they first drop their blade in the water, that it’s called the “catch”. And she learned that at the end of the stroke, when the blade comes out of the water, it’s called the “release”- at that everyone needs to be doing this at the exact same time.

“That’s huge,” Beth emphasized. “Because if the timing is off, the boat’s set is off- meaning we rock side to side, unbalanced, and that we’re generally not being very efficient…” She looks to Alison again. She leans closer, smiling, and adds almost conspiratorially, “And basically that’s your cue as cox to tell us we suck and to pull our shit together.”

Alison nods again, blushing at the swear.  She’s finding herself at a loss for words more often than usual this morning, for some reason. It’s probably just because it’s intimidating, so much new information. Alison silently hopes that she doesn't look like an idiot- that Beth doesn't take her silence for supidity and that she can manage to actually remember any of this stuff.

Practice comes to a close, and Coach S pulls their small motor boat up to the dock once more. Beth doesn’t even wait for it to come to a stop, she simply stands- as steady as if she were in an empty parking lot- and hops out of the still gliding boat. As the coach cuts the motor and gathers her things, Beth moors it, and Alison feels a tiny fleck of nervousness- remembering her rather uncoordinated transfer INTO the boat.

She manages though- moving quickly on to the dock this time- having learned her lesson. Ramon’s still on the dock with his crew and unsure of what exactly to do next, she follows Beth and the coach back up the ramp to the boat house.

Beth goes to gather her stuff, and Alison follows, standing behind her as she packs her bag. Beth stands up, and the two girls are facing each other now, in silence. A very awkward silence.

“I just wanted to-“

“I hope that it was-“

They both speak at the same time, talking over each other and stopping, chuckling.

Alison smiles again. Something about Beth makes her feel… well she’s not sure exactly. _At ease maybe?  No, but at the same time nervous and excited. Like the feeling you get when you got to bed on Christmas Eve as a kid._ Beth also felt so familiar to her somehow... it was strange. All Alison knows for sure is that this girl seems to go back and forth between cocky and awkward at the drop of a hat and that vacillation is… appealing. Alison liked talking to her- and despite the awkwardness on and off, she’s easy to talk to. So Alison starts again. “Sorry- I just wanted to say thank you. For today. For being patient.”

The slightly taller girl in front of her nervously runs her hand through her hair again. She looks off towards the other end of the building, not meeting Alison’s eyes, and replies. “Yeah, I mean, it’s no problem. I hope it wasn’t too overwhelming…”

Alison pauses, thinking. “Well, it’s a lot, but no. Not _overwhelming_. I think you explaining it firsthand helped.”

There's another small pause, and Alison's about the excuse herself to go find Ramon when Beth bursts out, " _CanIgetyourphonenumber?"_

Alison almost stepped back from the force of it and she can actually _see_ Beth recoil from her own exuberance. Beth settles herself and backpedals-  clearly consciously taking it down a notch, before speaking again. “I was just thinking there’s a bunch of paperwork-ish stuff you have to do- swim test, waivers, etc- stuff I don’t have on me right now…I thought maybe I could text you and maybe meet up later? Go over that, and give you some more, uh, technique stuff I could print too?”

“Sure.” Alison replies brightly. _This making new friends thing is going much smoother than I anticipated,_ She thinks.

“Cool-hang on.” Beth rummages in her bag for a moment, before coming up with a pen.

Alison pauses, waiting for Beth to find a piece of paper. After a moment, she adds “Are you going to write it down somewhere?”

“Oh- yeah,” Beth says, absentmindedly holding up her palm, like a piece of paper, and poises her pen ready to write on it. “I don’t usually bring a notebook to practice…”

“Of course. Yes. It’s 416-338-0685.”

Beth writes the number on her palm in large, blocky letters. “Perfect... Lemmie give you my number too..."

Alison is surprised when Beth takes her hand and more suprised she doesn't stop her. Beth holds Alison's hand in hers, palm up. Beth's thumb absentmindedly graces a few centimeter's back and forth over Alison's wrist- like a swimmer unconsciously treading water. The sensation is... very appealing, and Alison feels another little flutter of something in her stomach as Beth finishes up slowly inscribes her cell number in the same deliberate blocky letters as before. "There," the rower says, finishing. "Perfect," She looks up and smiles at Alison.

They stand there for one more prolonged moment, before Beth realizes she's still holding Alison's hand, "Oh, sorry. So yeah, I'll text you later?- I mean if that’s cool with you?”

Alison is still holding her hand in the same place, puzzled over why Beth took her hand away, and why on Earth she wanted it back. She blinks though, and realizes Beth's waiting for answer. Over Beth's shoulder, Alison sees Ramon is gathering his stuff too, finally ready to go. “Yes, that would be lovely," She manges to reply. "And I have to go now. I’ll see you later then.” She says, moving to go.

“Cool. Yeah. See ya!” Beth makes a little wave, before turning quickly and walking out of the boathouse ahead of them. Alison watches as Beth disappears out the door at the other end as Ramon arrives at her side. “So how’d it go today?” He asks.

She turns to Ramon. “I think I’m going to like crewing.” She smiles brightly.

Ramon smirks, “Rowing, Hon. It’s just rowing,” and the two begin their walk back to his car.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth looks at her hand for the millionth time in the 30 minutes or so since she’d written the number there, and once again mentally slaps herself in the head. _Could a human being possibly been any more awkward? It was like I was back in middle school…What is wrong with me???_

Beth finishes pouring milk into her cereal bowl, and begins walking back to her usual seat in the cafeteria. Getting up at 5 am had its advantages. By the time they got off the water and back to campus, it was still early enough- 8am usually- that she didn’t have to fight the pre-class breakfast crowd.

Arriving at her usual booth next to the front windows, she sits, and tries to piece together exactly what about this petite newbie got under her skin. Alison was nice. She was polite. And she had _absolutely_ no idea about rowing or coxing and there was _absolutely_ no reason for Beth to be reacting this way. If anything, roles should be reversed.

Beth smirks, thinking of Alison tripping and all but crashing landing into the launch boat this morning. Luckily Beth had broken her fall. _I can appreciate she tried to brush it off, like it was nothing_. _Keeping it together- that’s a good coxswain trait_ … She reasons down into the cereal in front of her.

“So, how’d it go wit’ Barbie there?”

“Huh?” Beth glances up from the bowl, meeting her teammate’s eyes.

“Barbie. Y’ know- that straight-laced, pink abomination you toted around all morning. Did you scare her off yet?” Sarah asks, sitting down across from her.

“No, I didn’t _scare her off_ …” Beth replies, though chuckling at Sarah’s comment. “Pink abomination?”

“Yah. You saw ‘er? I don’t know wha’ was more ridiculous- the pink ear muffs or her fuckin' _yoga pants_. She looked like a bloody soccer mom…”

“It wasn’t _that_ bad,” Beth rolls her eyes at her friend, and smiles, thinking of Alison’s outfit. “I mean, I thought she looked nice…” She looks down at her bowl and takes another large bite. When she looks back up, she’s met with Sarah’s raised eyebrows and smirk. “What?”

Sarah chuckles. “You like her."

"Well, I mean, she seems nice enough..."

"No... I mean, you _like_ her. _Oh my god_ \- with the pink an’ everything???” Sarah gapes.

“What? No, I don’t.”

“Oooooh buddy, yes _. Yes you do_ ,” Sarah says, gesturing pointedly at Beth with her fork.

“Quite the conclusion to jump to. I just said I thought she looked _nice_ \- I didn’t say I wanted to, like, jump her bones or whatever…” she says, trying to make light of it.

“ _OooOOOoooh_ , so now you’re thinkin’ about jumpin’ her bones, are ya?” Sarah says with a devilish smile.

“I didn’t. Say. That.” Beth growls, but it’s too late. She can feel the slight flush in her cheeks betraying…something… and she knows from Sarah’s satisfied expression, she’s caught it.

“Who is jumping bones?” Helena, Sarah’s adoptive sister, asks, joining them at the table. Her wild, blonde hair sticks out in every direction, and her tray is piled high with one of basically everything the cafeteria has to offer

“Childs is. With our new Coxie-cox.”

“Oh.” Helena states, pausing a moment to think before finally adding, “She is very pink,” Helena shoves an entire piece of toast in her mouth and Sarah bursts out laughing at the observation- only irritating Beth further.

“There will be no jumping of bones! I didn’t- _UGH_. You guys are ridiculous…”

“I mean, I know you told me you like the ladies and all, but I must say I was not expecting _her_ to be your type…Where’s your first date gonna be? The Country Club?” Sarah continues, the shit-eating grin showing no signs of laying off anytime soon.

Beth rubs her face, as if she could just rub away the conversation. She gathers her plates, stacking on her tray and stands up. “I gotta go. Class,” she mumbles. Done with Sarah for now.

“Geez- I was just kidding around is all. Take a chill-pill…”

“Fine, it’s fine. I’ll see ya,” Beth says, trying to brush it off.

“Riiight. See ya later Childs.” Sarah says, before cramming a fork full of egg in her mouth.

“Goodbye Elizabeth,” Helena mumbles, as Beth makes her way out of the cafeteria.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Grinning*- Thanks for all the kudos and awesome feedback! And yay for rowing! I'm trying not to bog down the story in terminology but it's making me nostalgic too. :) But yes- thanks again for reading! More awkward cuteness and 5 AM shenanigans to come!


	3. Chapter 3

Beth was always moving. She’d always been that way, even as a little kid. She understood that about herself- that she performed well under stress, and was good at balancing a lot at once. Since getting to college though…it’s become almost a compulsion- her need to keep moving and keep busy. Like if she didn’t keep going forward, she’d get stuck. Stuck on a thought. Stuck on a problem. Just _stuck_.

And that’s what was happening right now. Beth was stuck. Stuck in what was arguably the world’s most boring Spanish class to have ever existed and stuck on what the hell to do about the new coxswain, Alison.

Beth had re-written the number, transferring it from her palm to an index card when she got back to her dorm room, and had been carrying it in her pocket all day. She’d acted like such a spaz this morning, she was almost embarrassed. And it certainly didn’t help to have Sarah rag on her all breakfast about a made up crush either. That’s why Beth liked to keep moving- it helped keep her from over analyzing everything to death.

Beth absentmindedly chews on the end of her pencil. _I can't have a crush on her- I just met her. And besides she's... what did Sarah call her?...a Pink Abomination. Girl probably has ‘Legally Blonde’ memorized by heart… She’s bossy, and way, way too formal. Too proper. She's so uptight she practically blushed every time I swore.... Though maybe that’s not a bad thing-at least she won’t get us kicked out of a race for swearing over the speakers_ , Beth thinks, mentally rolling her eyes at the memory of the one-time Sarah had coxed and done just that.

_God, how is she going to stand up to Sarah. Let alone the rest of the girls._

Beth had been Captain and the regular 8 Seat, since Spring of last year- when Angela DeAngelis graduated. DeAngelis- for the semester Beth had known her- was a stone cold bitch. No one was going to mess with her or second guess her, not even Sarah, so when she left, Beth had a tough seat to fill. Literally too- sitting 8 Seat- being Stroke- meant everyone was following _you_. Beth felt good knowing that seat was usually reserved for the most technically proficient rower on the team, but she also knew that just because the coach puts you there, doesn’t mean your crew automatically agree with that decision.

For example she knew for a _fact_ that Rachel, who now sat just behind her in 7 seat, was less than happy Beth had moved up... _though you could never really tell. She's always so... poised? Controlled? Whatever_.

It wasn’t easy but eventually Beth proved to the rest of them that she too was tough, wasn’t about to get pushed around, and that she did in fact deserve it. And despite the occasional grumble now and then from Rachel, she had their respect.

 _But Alison though? Will she be able to win them over?_ Beth knew she had to if she was going to stay on the team. And Beth really wanted her to stay on the team.

She shook off the extra questions, and nagging thoughts. She loved crew, and they need a coxswain so why not this girl? Why not this _Pink Abomination_? _Yeah_. Beth smiles to herself, having made her decision, and acts before she gets bogged down and stuck with any more thoughts. She pulls out her phone and sends a quick text to the number from this morning. She doesn’t take out the index card. And she doesn’t pause to parse out the meaning behind the fact that she already has the number memorized. She just keeps moving, and sends off the text.

_Hey, you free around 8?_

_*_*_*_*_*_

Alison eyes herself in the small mirror on her dorm room wall. She had gotten Beth's text in the middle of what had been an impossibly long day, and had been looking forward to it since.

Is it strange to imagine a connection with someone, only interacting with them for a few hours? She hoped not- or at least she hoped _Beth_ didn't think so. Alison thinks of her morning. Of the way her stomach fluttered when Beth had grasped her arm, and when she wrote her phone number on Alison's palm. There was definitely something, some connection, and Alison was excited.

So while she had _planned_ on just unwinding in her dorm, maybe doing a bit of homework, before she met up with Beth she found herself to be too restless. She couldn't help it- she was excited at the prospect of getting to the bottom of this connection. Of making a new friend- someone with a little bit more _substance_ than her previous crowd. 

She'd been pacing- _just a bit_ \- and had caught sight of herself, noticing her shirt was a bit more wrinkled than she’d normally deem acceptable. So she started to change outfits. And then she realized if she was going to bother changing outfits, she might as well take a shower. And if she was going to shower, she’ll need to do her hair. And makeup. It just made sense.

Now, she has five more minutes before leaving, so examines herself once again, the last once over, applying some lip gloss. _Lovely. NOW I look presentable_ , she thinks.

“That’s a lot of work for a first date. Must be a real catch…” Alison can feel Cosima’s smirk without even looking.

“For your _information_ , it’s not a date.” Alison replies, into the mirror, before turning back to face her roommate.

“Are you sure? I counted a total of 8 outfit changes. That’s about 7 more than ‘not at date’ usually entails…” Cosima is indeed smirking, though isn’t even looking up at her. The dread-haired girl is sprawled out on her stomach, papers littered around her as usual, and her nose is almost literally buried in her text book.

“Quite sure.” Alison nods, moving to sit on her bed. She picks up her purse, unzipping it to make sure she had everything she needed before leaving the room.

“Well that makes one of us…” Cosima sits up, stretching, and swings her feet over the bed, now facing Alison.

“Is it so wrong to take a little pride in your appearance? Sometimes I just want to look nice...” _On that note_ , she places her small travel brush in her purse.

“Does _he_ know it’s not a date?

“She.” Alison adds absentmindedly, taking out a pack of gum from the purse- _no need for that, why clutter?_

“Reeeeeeeeeally? ‘ _She’_ you say? Why Ms. Hendrix, you are just full of surprises…” Alison looks up in time to see Cosima waggling her eyebrows suggestively.

“Ugh, once again- _NOT a date_. _She_ is the Captain of the _women’s crew team_. I just joined as their new coxswain and she offered to meet up and give me some paperwork and other information to look over.” Alison stands, grabbing a sweater as she makes her way out the door.

“Mmmhmmm…” Cosima smirks again, taking on a teasing tone. “Sure… have fun with your _filling out_ _paperwork_ …”

“How? How do you do that? How do you make a boring, completely innocuous activity like paperwork sound so _filthy_?”

“It’s a gift,” she shrugs, pushing her glasses back up her nose.

Alison rolls her eyes, “Good night,” she adds exiting the room.

“I won’t wait up!” Cosima yells as the door closes behind.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth Childs was late.

She can hardly even believe it- she could count on one hand how many times in her life she’d been late meeting up with someone, when she could help it.

She’s not sure exactly what happened.

One minute she had been printing the waiver forms for Alison, and the next minute she was thinking about what a big responsibility it was- to teach someone everything about crew from scratch.

_What if Alison isn't able to pick it up? What if I’m not a good enough teacher? What if Alison gets super frustrated and quit? I’ll have ruined the team's chances at racing and the whole team is going to hate me and Coach S will be pissed and disappointed and I’ll be kicked off the team, and won’t be able to row and Alison will hate me and- and-_

And suddenly she needed some air. No, she needed to _move_.

She strapped on her running shoes and shot out the door. A quick lap around campus became two. Became five. And her quads ached and her lungs burned but there was something very soothing in the rhythm of it. It’s why she liked rowing too. The rhythm of it. Right now it was the rhythm of her feet on the pavement, of her breathing- even as it became ragged. It was a predictable rhythm, like a metronome, and she always felt safe in that predictability. For every inhale, there was an exhale. For ever left, a right. Over and over. Always moving forward.

Around lap eight she bothers to glance at her watch.

_8:05._

_Shit_.

She’s already exhausted but she still sprints, fueled by the thought of embarrassing herself yet again, in front of the newbie.

As she slows, entering the campus coffee shop, all her previous worries begin to catch up with her. _This girl is going to wonder how someone so thoughtless and disorganized became team captain…shit, this is never going to work._

The clock on the wall behind the counter says 8:10. _Unacceptable, Childs. Totally unacceptable._ She tries to catch her breath and looks around for Alison.

“Elizabeth! Over here!”

Beth turns and spots Alison, waving at her from a booth near the back.

_Shit._

As Beth makes her way over. She knows she’s staring and knows she needs to take a good long moment and pull herself together because she was not prepared to be meeting _this_ girl tonight.

She had been prepared to meet the girl she met this morning. With her out of place, high-end yoga pants and excessive pinkness. The girl this morning was _cute_. _Okay, really cute_ , she could admit that. She was cute in an awkward, trying-to-look-poised-but-failing-way. And in the dark, and at 5 am, it’s easy for your brain to dismiss that kind of cute.

But _this_ girl... well… she was… beautiful.

 _Shit. Shit shit shit shit SHIT_.

Beth managed to blink at some point, and sit down opposite Alison in the booth. _CHILDS. WAKE UP. USE WORDS._  “I’m so, so sorry I’m late. I’m seriously NEVER late…”

“Oh, it’s no problem. Really. Thanks again for meeting me.”

“Of course, sure.” The girl in front of her was extremely pulled together. From her makeup, to her hair- not a one out of place. Beth suddenly realizes she has been running, and sweating, for the past hour or so… and that she totally looks it. “Uh, sorry I’m a mess. I went out for a run and kinda lost track of time.”

“Oh, how far did you run?”

“I’m not sure, maybe 8?”

“8 _MILES_??? Elizabeth, that’s crazy!”

“It’s just Beth, and I dunno, is it?” She asks, getting more self-conscious by the minute.

“That’s a long way…” Alison gapes. She suddenly realizes Beth’s looking less than comfortable with this line of conversation, and changes topics. “No matter- I’m just extra grateful you’d take time out of your training to help me out. It means a lot.”

“Yeah, of course. My pleasure. Happy to help.” Beth’s breath and brain have finally caught up to her and slowly regains rational thought. She unclips her small running pouch. She has her dorm key, student ID and Alison’s papers- folded up small- inside. She lays them on the table, smoothing them out. “So yeah, here’s the waiver form, and here’s all the stuff for the swim test- how to schedule it and stuff. There’s some boathouse fees we pay, but we can worry about that later.”

Alison slides the papers from Beth, reading them over. Beth watches her. Alison purses her lips as she reads. _Okay, so, yeah she’s very pretty. Big whoop Childs. Don’t let that make things weird._

 _Yeah, no big deal_. Beth lets out a slow breath. “Any questions with it? Always happy to help with paperwork…” Beth says it very casually, but for some reason Alison eyes blink wide for a second at the word paperwork. It’s only a minute though and she seems to go back to normal.

“No, that won’t be necessary. It looks simple enough.”

“Good. That’s good…”

The girl with the bangs nodded back at her, and appeared to be waiting for something. _Waiting for what? Is she waiting for me to apologize for being late again?_

“So… you mentioned you had some other information- technique stuff that you were going ot give me too?”

“Oh yeah…- oh _shit_!” the girl cringes at Beth’s swear _\- Is she going do that every time?_ “No, sorry- I just realized I forgot it on my desk. In my dorm. Sorry.”

“No, problem. Um…” she pauses, hesitating for a moment. “Should we go get it?”

“Go get it?” Beth’s mouth goes dry. _Go to my dorm?_

“Well, yeah, you said it was just on your desk. Should we just go and grab it?”

“Grab it from my dorm you mean?” Beth realizes she probably sounds like an idiot, but also realizes that due to this.... _whatever it is_  she's feeling that's tying her stomach up in knots... having Alison up to her room, at this juncture, is not a great idea.

“Yeeeeees…” Alison looks at her quizzically.

 _She’s probably wondering why I’m acting like I’m brain damaged_. Beth thinks it over again, and after a pause decides that no, Alison should not come up to her dorm room. She has a very strong feeling that Alison, in her dorm room, is in fact a _terrible_ idea because it’s _exactly_ what Beth wants right now. And it’s been Beth's experience that the things she _wants_ , are usually things that will only end up hurting her in the end. _No, just no. Find an excuse…_

“Uh, well, it’s probably a mess.”

“That’s okay,” Alison smiles patiently, and folds her hands on the table. “I don’t mind.”

“Well… It’s at the top of the hill. On the other side of campus.”

“It’s a nice night for a walk. It’ll be good to stretch my legs.”

“Um…” Beth was running out of reasons.

“Elizabeth, if there’s some reason you don’t want to go…”

 _Shit_. “No. There’s no reason… We can go.”

“Well okay then. Lovely.” The girl with the bangs smiles, sliding out of the booth and standing. “Lead the way.”

   

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison has always been very pragmatic. She makes decisions carefully, taking the time, weighing her options before acting. This goes for all her decisions. While this has been very effective with things like school or work, she’s found it’s not quite as successful when applied to relationships. In the past looking at “pros and cons” and “weighing the benefit vs. time spent” when it came to _people_ … well it turns out that friends or boyfriends don’t take well to be told they’re just not a priority today.

But, like any pragmatist, she can admit when something is not effective and when a new approach may be in order. In this case, it seems she may need to try something new. Branch out, do stuff outside her comfort zone, follow her _gut_ …

So when Ramon suggested the crew team, even though it was something she knew nothing about and had no data to guarantee it would be a successful venture, she went for it. She let herself trust her friend.

And when she realized there was something about Beth- a gut feeling- that drew Alison to her, she decided to do the same thing: trust it. Instead of analyzing that feeling, categorizing it and picking it apart until she could neatly color code and file it, she decided to just _go with it_.

The first day of practice, Beth told Alison to trust her and she is doing just that. She decided to trust this girl, and trust her own gut…even though that gut literally flip flops when Beth is around- something that would normally send Alison racing in the other direction- Alison decides to press forward.

 _And the first step to becoming good friends is getting to know that person_ , she thinks, which is why she pressed so hard to visit Beth’s dorm room. _That’s what friends do, they hang out_. Alison wasn’t exactly sure why Beth was so resistant, but she figured if there was a good reason not to go, Beth would have said so. _She seemed like the tough type, definitely not someone who would let herself be steamrolled._ _Besides, she was the one that asked for my number. If she really didn’t want to spend any time with me, she wouldn’t have bothered, right?_

They walk in silence to Beth’s room. Alison tries to shut off that analytical side of her- tries not to read into why exactly Beth is so quiet and just enjoy the moment. _It is a lovely night for a walk._

Beth scans her dorm card and they take the stairs up to the second floor. _Geez, every single dorm is exactly the same_ , Alison muses, as they walk down a sterile white hallway, identical to her own. Beth takes out her key, and lets them in.

Alison was unsure of what to expect, especially since Beth was so hesitant to have her come over, but she was definitely not expecting this.

The room was, in a word, spartan. Much like her own small room there were two beds, two desks and two dressers. However very unlike her room, there was not much else. No posters, pictures, no… anything really. Grey. It was all very grey. In fact, the only thing that gave any indication that someone used the space, was the pair of running shoes sticking out from the bed on the right.

“So,” Alison began, “This is messy?”

“Uh, I guess not. I just kinda forgot if I cleaned or not.” Beth runs her fingers through her hair again, standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, between the two beds.

“Which side is yours?

”Oh, this one,” Beth indicates the bed to Alison’s right.

Alison moves and sits down on said bed, taking another look around. “Do you have a roommate?”

Beth, looking unsure of exactly what to do with herself, finally opts to sit at her desk near the foot of the bed. “Ha, yeah, technically.” Beth rolls her eyes.

“What do you mean?” Alison frowns.

“I think I’ve only seen Jen like _twice_ in the last 3 weeks. She’s an early education student. She’s never here- she’s either at her at class, or her internship or her boyfriend’s. If I didn’t see her laundry basket fill and empty every once in a while I’d probably assume she was dead.”

“Yes, I’d have to say there’s a _distinct_ lack of liveliness in here. You know,” she adds, surveying the room before turning and facing Beth again. “I could help you decorate, if you ever wanted some help with that…”

Beth chuckles. “Thanks, but I don’t think _pink_ is really my thing…”

“Oh it wouldn’t have to be pink! Just because _I_ like it doesn’t mean I’d force it on you. We’d tailor it to your preferences. So, like, what kinds of things to you like? What do you do when you’re not rowing? What kinds of TV shows do you like? What’s your major?”

Beth quirks and eyebrow, suspiciously. “You certainly have a lot of questions...”

“Well, yes. I’m mean, If we’re to be good friends, we should get to know each other right?”

Beth eyes get wide, and she opens her mouth to speak, but then closes it again, searching for a response.

 _Oh, ffffffishsticks_ , Alison thinks. _Did I really misread this completely_? “I’m sorry. I um, I guess I thought- I mean you were being so nice- that we could be friends. I mean,- Okay, I’m just going to…” She stands, pointing to the door.

“No no- wait!” Beth throws out her hands, gesturing for Alison to stop. “No, of course. Of course we can be friends. That’d be… that’d be great actually…” She works a smile onto her face, and although Alison isn’t entirely sure how genuine it is, decides to trust her.

“Cool.” Pauses “Well, it is getting late…” Alison makes a motion towards the door again.

“Oh, of course...Oh yeah! Here-” Beth jumps up quick and retrieves some papers from her desk, striding back and handing them to Alison. “Here’s that technique stuff I was talking about.”

“Excellent. I’ll make sure to look it over.”

“Perfect. So yeah, just see if you can get all that paperwork stuff done, and when you do, just come to practice and we’ll getcha up and running.”

“Great, okay, see you later Eliz- I mean, _Beth_.”

“Bye.”

Alison closes the door behind her. She pauses a moment. Something felt…unfinished in her conversation with Beth. No matter- she had time to figure it out. She had time because Beth Childs said they can be friends and that is _fantastic_.


	4. Chapter 4

Beth hadn’t heard from Alison in 3 days- not that she’d contacted her either.

She had _thought_ about texting her a few times. _You know, once or twice. Per class_. And she'd thought about the excuses she could make... _just following up, anything I can do to help?_ She doesn’t want to pry or seem like a stalker though. She's just… _concerned_. Being in charge of teaching her and all. Beth's mulling it over, what she could text, when Coach S grabs her before their work out.

"Beth, what's the latest with that coxswain?"

"Uh, not sure. I haven't heard from her..."

"Well, listen, we need to know if we can count on her or not. Soon. Or we may have to drop down to rowing a 4, with one of you coxing..."

“But then 3 of us can’t row!” Beth isn’t necessarily concerned about herself- she’d probably make it in the boat- _but no_! She's not letting half the team sit out while she can help it.

"Well then you’d best be working on getting her here. By the end of the week.”

 _Oh you bet I will_ , Beth thinks. After practice, she starts to walk to her where her stuff is to grab her phone, but then stops. There's a flutter, that gurgle of anxiety again at the thought of texting her. Rather than push it, Beth turns around and stalks over to the men's team, who are finishing putting away oars.

“Hey. Ram-o,” she calls out.

The coxswain, as poised as ever, leans against the side of the building and nods to her. “Childs.”

“Hey, have you talked to your friend Alison lately? Is she still interested in coxing for us?”

“My-my, someone’s impatient,” he smirks.

Beth rolls her eyes. "Well _YEAH_ \- I’d like to actually fucking _ROW_ sometime this year. Besides Coach S is breathing down my neck.”

“Well, I could be persuaded to reach out to her..."

"Well make _sure_ you are. I need an answer by the end of the week..."

"Aye aye Captain. I'll let you know," He says saluting her sloppily.

Beth wonders how someone so obnoxious was friends with someone as wonderful as Alison.  _Wait, when did she become wonderful?_   She shakes that thought away. “Thanks...-Hey actually just have her text me? Uh, if that's easier. Thanks!” Beth starts to walk back towards the parking lot.

“Hey, Childs- I don’t have your number though!” The coxswain shouts from behind her.

“She has it. So no worries. Thanks again!” Beth walks back towards her car and checks that her phone's on. Anticipating a call that probably won't be coming for a while.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison Hendrix, does not procrastinate. Mostly, because there's always too much to do. Between her job, and class, and homework and whatever else she gets involved in, she never has a _later_. Just a _next_. That in mind, she gets all the work Beth gives her done the very next day. She even somehow manages to fit in a swim test during the afternoon before her biology class- and gets a few stares when she shows up with soaking wet hair, reeking of chlorine, but she lets that one go.

And she reads the packet Beth gave her. She keeps it in her book bag, taking it out periodically, when she has time. She reads it between classes. She reads it at lunch. She reads it over and over until she feels comfortable with the terms and information. _Way-Enough- that's the command to stop. And always do everything 'in two' giving rowers enough time to respond to the call in unison.._. She practices the phrases in her head, and tries to picture what they'd look like in action.

It wasn’t that Alison was scared to go back… she was just nervous. _Which_ , she reasoned to herself, _is perfectly understandable. After all, it’s all new. I don't want to disappoint Beth. Or anyone really. Maybe I’ll just look over that packed once more…just to be safe_.

That first day, Beth had been right next to her- and when Beth explained it, it seemed to just make sense. Now, however, days after, it had all become confusing again. Part of her wants to call Beth- to see her again and have her tell Alison all over again. A small part of her still wants to call Beth and talk about ANYTHING but rowing too.

But she doesn’t. She doesn’t want to bother her. And she knows that Beth will want to talk about rowing. She makes her decision.

 _I can do this myself_.

It’s strange to both avoid something, and yet spend so much time thinking about it. In fact, it was mulling over this issue of going back to practice yet again, that kept her from noticing a familiar face had come into her diner and was currently sitting in her section. The place was pretty dead since they’re only open for another 2 hours, but there she was. She must have only just sat down a few minutes ago, but already the table is littered with papers, and she’s already digging out and setting up her laptop.

“Lord and butter…” Alison mutters to herself before stalking over to the booth. “ _What are you doing here_?”

“Well hello to you too roomie…” Cosima smiles. “As for what I’m doing here, like many of your patrons, I’m hungry.”

There’s something about the way that Cosima smiles, smiles so big you can see all the way to her canine teeth. While normally sort of endearing, for some reason, it just rankles Alison today. “So out of all the places in and around town to eat, you just _happen_ to show up at mine?”

If Cosima register’s Alison’s frustration and tension, she doesn’t show it. Instead, the dread-haired girl continues to smile and simply shrugs. “You mentioned this place, that it had good food, and I thought I’d check it out. Grab some grub, do some homework, you know…”

Alison nods, skeptical. She stands there as Cosima continues to look at her expectantly. “Oh. Yes. Well, what can I get you?” Alison adds, realizing Cosima’s waiting to order.

“Let’s see…” Cosima glances down at the menu. “Alright, let’s do some blueberry waffles... uh, maybe some mozzarella sticks… and a club sandwich. Can I get extra pickles with that?”

Alison finishes writing when it dawns on her. “Wait are-“ she drops her voice to a harsh hush before leaning in and finishing, “-are you _HIGH_ right now???”

“Not that it’s any of your concern, but I may have indulged before coming down here, yes…”

“Heavenly hosts Cosima! What am I- what…”

“Whoa, chill girly. Relax. I’m just here for some waffles. I mean I know you’re _very, very busy_ right now…” She makes a motion to the almost completely empty restaurant, “So don’t worry, I won’t be bothering you. I mean, you’re welcome to chat, but like I said: Waffles are a number one priority right now.”

Alison levels a gaze that would normally freeze someone where they stood. Cosima seems completely unaware though, so Alison is left to just sigh and say, “Fine. I’ll get you your waffles. Be right back…”

She brings her order pad back to the kitchen, sticking it up for the cook and ringing the bell. Jim, the order cook snags it off the counter with barely a second look at her. She liked that about Jim. He was in his 50’s, overweight, mutters obscenities quietly under his breath, balding, and is -on his best days surly- on his worst downright hostile. But they had an understanding at this point. Neither of them wanted to be there, but they both had to. They shared the silent bond of those trapped in an impossible work situation. Comrades on the front lines of mediocrity. It helped that sometimes she made him cookies.

Alison goes back to the counter and, without much more to do, sets out to roll some silverware. She glances over to Cosima again, who’s typing away at her computer. Alison sighs and realizes that maybe she was a bit dismissive of her roommate. _At least I know she’s listening to me- to know where I work._

A flash of regret registers and Alison decides to go and mend things- even though it’s unlikely Cosima even realized the was something off in the first place. She brings her silverware folding operation over. The manager won’t mind. Place is dead.

“Mind if I join you after all? Sorry I was a bit rude earlier, just a lot on my mind.”

“No worries, have a seat,” Cosima gestures, barely taking her eyes off her laptop screen. “Hey- I never asked, how’d your _not-a-date_ go?”

Alison chuckles. “My _not-a-date_ went great. I got all the information that I needed.”

“Cool, cool. So are you a coxswain now?”

“I will be when I go back… I’m just…” Alison hesitates, before deciding to continue. “I’m just nervous about going back. It’s all confusing and even though Beth, the captain, seems really nice it just… _overwhelming_. I mean I have school and work and all sorts of other things to balance… I’m just unsure of what to do.”

Cosima pauses her typing and furrows her brow behind her glasses a moment. “Well,” she begins, looking at Alison again, “I’d say just follow your gut. That’s what I do. If there’s something telling you to give it a go and push through all the shit- that it might be worth it, go for it. Worst case scenario, you go back, it’s too much, you decide to quit. No big deal, life moves on.”

Alison considers it a moment. “That’s very salient advice actually, from someone who is completely stoned…”

"I try," She says, and this time Alison smiles back.

Alison picks up her next set of utensils before asking, "So... how are things going with that TA you mentioned?..."

Cosima quirks an eyebrow, "Thought that was ' _wrong_ ' and forbidden."

Alison shrugs, trying to emulate Cosima's levity from earlier. "Maybe I judged too harshly. I should be more open minded. I'm sorry."

"No worries. And it's going really well... actually...we're supposed to meet me here..." she says, sheepishly.

"What! Tonight!?" Alison gawks.

"Yeah and I'm...I'm _totally_ nervous," Cosima blushes a bit. "This is the first time we're meeting outside of the lecture hall. I mean, yeah, I've stayed after and we've chatted- for like 2 hours once, but I never- you know," she makes a motion with her hands, "Asked her to meet _outside_ of campus before." Cosima meets Alison's eyes again. "That's why I picked this place- I figured at least if things go south at least I have a friend around to keep me from totally dying from embarrassment..."

 _A friend_. Alison can't help but smile. In fact, from the look Cosima's giving her, maybe she should even turn it down a notch. "Yes, of course I'll keep you from dying from embarrassment..." she squeezes Cosima's hand for a second, and gives the bespectacled girl another supportive smile. "What are friends for?"

Alison stands again. "I'm going to go check on your order, do you need anything else?"

Cosima lets out a slow breath, "Naw, I think I'm cool. Thanks."

Alison nods, and heads back behind the counter just as Jim puts the order up, ringing the bell. She picks up, "Thanks Jim!" Jim just grunts in response. She brings the plates to Cosima's table, and as she sets them down she hears her friend ( _friend_!) inhale sharply.

"Oh my _god_ \- That's her. She actually came. She's coming in the restaurant right now..." Cosima grits it out quietly so only Alison can hear.

Alison turns and looks anyway and is stunned. A tall blonde woman, with _beyond_ salon quality hair, is making her way through the glass doors right now.

"Her? I didn't know your TA was a woman..." Alison whispers back.

"Yeah...oh shit, she sees me..." Cosima waves, and the blonde woman waves back, and begins her easy walk over. "Wish me luck..." Cosima breaths and Alison moves back a bit from the table.

"Hey Delphine- you made it!" Cosima smiles. And for some reason the flash of canines don't bother Alison as much now.

"Oui, and I see you took the liberty of ordering us some snacks..."

"Oh, uh, Delphine- this is my roommate Alison. She works here part time."

Alison is still processing the _woman_ part of Cosima's crush- let alone the part about that woman being _insanely beautiful_ \- let alone her being _French_ \- when said woman sticks out here hand. "Enchanté Alison."

Alison shakes it, "Enchanté, Delphine... Well I better get back to work. This silverware won’t roll itself. Just give a wave if there's anything else you need." She smiles and heads back to her counter to leave her roommate to it.

Alison keeps herself busy with small tasks around. Straighten up things, cleaning the counter, that sort of thing, but she can’t help glancing her roommate’s direction every few minutes or so. She doesn’t know why she was so taken aback that Cosima’s crush was a woman. She’s never been small-minded (like so many of her peers in her tiny town). She was even on her high schools GSA club for a half a year- until the Spring production got in the way. She supposes she just _assumed_ it was a guy.

 _That’s what you get for assuming. Makes an ASS out of U and ME_ , she chides herself.

As the remaining hour winds down, so does Cosima’s date. Alison watches as they part ways, Delphine giving a very poised double-cheek kiss that her slightly awkward friend blushes through, before turning to go. The blonde gives Alison a small wave goodbye as well, and heads back out into the night.

Alison can’t help it- she rushes over. “Well that went well!”

“Yeah, yeah it did. I can’t believe I was so nervous,” Cosima grins, gathering up her papers and laptop, packing them away.

“Hey, if you wait 5 minutes, we can walk together. I mean, if you want to?”

“Of course.”

Alison finishes busing the last few tables before grabbing her bag and walking out with Cosima. They're not far before Cosima elbows Alison playfully. "Sooooo, whatdija think?"

"Of?"

"Of Delphine of course! I mean, think she's Del- _FINE_ , but that's just me."

"No, she's definitely beautiful. And that _hair_!"

" _Seriously_. I think it may be witchcraft."

"Totally..." She pauses, weighing whether to both with the rest of her thoughts. “I _was_ surprised though. I mean, I guess I just didn’t know you were gay.”

“Well, Bi, actually..”

“Bi?”

“You know, bisexual. I like guys and girls. Sexuality is kinda a spectrum anyway.”

“Oh. Of course...” There's a beat pause. Alison, not sure if she made it awkward, tries a joke. “Well, I guess you probably don’t have trouble finding a date then. With both guys _and_ girls to choose from."

“Well, no more than anyone. I mean, just because there’s not exactly a specific gender I'm attracted to over the other, doesn’t necessarily mean I have double the dating options…”

“Oh, I’m sorry. That was foolish…” Alison blushes. _I'm an idiot._

“No, it’s cool. I mean, how do you know something before you know it right?”

“Right..." Alison shakes her head. _How can someone be so, just so accepting? So open_. Alison feels like pushing it a bit further, brave. "So… what do you look for? You know, in someone you’re interested in.”

“It’s just like anything, I look for that connection, you know?”

Alison nods, slightly. Cosima continues gesturing, as if she’s trying to paint her words in the night air. “I mean, I just look for someone that lights me up- that excites me. Someone who, when I’m around them, there’s that charge in the air between- like static electricity in the atmosphere- like the slightest spark will set the space between us on fire. Someone that makes your stomach do flip flops when you’re around them and you get so nervous you could puke- but at the same time you know if you did, you’d be cool because that person- they care. About you. You know what I mean? Have you ever felt that way?”

Alison reflects. She thinks of past few boyfriends, of Chad and his pawing at her at a Halloween party. _No, that definitely was not there..._ Then Alison feels like someone has dropped a lead brick in her stomach because she realizes that _yes_ , she does know that feeling. But the last time she felt that, was 3 days ago, at about 5 in the morning, with a certain team captain. And Alison isn’t exactly sure what _that_ means.

Cosima continues, again unaware of Alison's internal crisis already in process. “Anyway, yeah. That’s what I look for. And shit- Delphine… man I’ve never felt it to quite that extent. I’m telling you, this is something huge. I can feel it…”

Alison keeps her eyes fixed on the asphalt ahead of them, still dazed by her thoughts of Monday morning. “Well, you’re lucky. To feel all that and to find she feels the same way? That’s amazing.”

Cosima chuckles darkly next to her, and now Alison turns to meet her eyes. “Well, I never said she felt the same way… I just sort of asked her and hoped for the best. I mean she showed up, which is… totally encouraging. Remains to be seen if she feels the same way though…”

“Well I’m rooting for you." Alison smiles. "I think that’s very… brave.”

“Well, what choice did I have right? I’d hate to let something amazing slip by just because I was afraid.”

Alison nods. They’re almost back to the dorm, but she’s made a decision. “You’re right,” she says, stopping. “Hey, um, I’m going to head over to Ramon’s for a bit. I’ll see you later, if you’re still up.”

Cosima grins, “Dude, you know I’m a night owl. I’ll see you then.”

Alison turns and heads in the direction of East campus. She takes out her phone and dials.

“ _Hello_?”

“Hey Ramon? I’m coming over. I need you to teach me everything there is to know about coxing…”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth wiped down the leg press machine and glances at her phone again. _Nothing. Shit._

"Childs, that's like the 20th time you've looked at your phone. You expecting a hot date or something?"

It was late, and her and Art were just finishing the last of their workout for the night. "No, but anyone's got to be better than spending an evening with you, dipshit..."

Art makes a mock gasp. "Ouch. And here I thought we were BFF 4 life!"

She shoves before throwing out her paper towel and grabbing her kit. "Let's get out of here..."

"Please!" He says.

She glanced at the clock as she exited into the cool night air.

 _9:30. Wonder if Ramon talked to Alison at all…Shit._ She berates herself again. _Well, I have to know or the team's fucked!_ She rationalized. _I mean, she's whatever, but we need a coxswain is all..._

Beth inwardly cringes anyway. She’d been doing that all day-wondering what Alison was up to. Wondering when she’d get a text from her.

She and Art walk stride for stride slowly back towards their dorms. Beth sighs, and Art glances towards her. They've known each other since High School and she inwardly cringes again, realizing she just gave something away to her ultra-perceptive friend, that she hadn't intended to.

"Geez Beth, sounds like there's something awfully weighty in that head of yours. Care to unload?"

"Not particularly..."

Art shrugs, "Fine. Your call."

They walk along a bit further before he speaks again. "You know, Paul asked about you the other day...He said he was sorry…."

Beth tenses at the name. She breaths out ice, "Well he didn’t say it to _me_..."

"Whew- okay, never mind. Forget I mentioned it. I just thought that maybe, _after a year_ , you guys might be able to bury the hatchet..."

" _Are you fucking kidding me Art_? Who's side are you on?!"

"Yours. It's always yours. But, I mean, maybe if you just talked to him?..."

"Why should _I_ make an effort- _make the gesture_ \- when _he_ was the one who-“

“- _Beth!_ If was like the second month, of freshman year! No one probably remembers it even…”

Beth takes a long breath, exhaling slowly through her nose, trying to quell the anger from spilling out entirely. “Yeah, well, _I_ remember…”

“Okay… okay. I’m dropping it, alright? You’re a captain, he’s a captain…So I wanted a little team unity? So sue me.” Art smiles down at her and Beth feels the remaining anger fade away. He was always amazing at that- anchoring her before she flies off the handle.

They’re almost back to Beth’s dorm before he speaks again. “And you sure you don’t want to talk about the intriguing someone that has my normally stoic best friend all in a tizzy checking her phone?” He smirks.

Beth hesitates a moment before shaking her head. “No. It’s nothing. Really.”

“Fine fine. I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Goodnight Art.”

As soon as he turns the corner, Beth checks her phone once more. _Nothing_. She frowns.

 _It’s nothing. It’s literally nothing_ , she thinks, before heading into her building for what was sure to be yet another night of very little sleep.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

“You know it’s 10:30 at night, right?” Ramon deadpans at her through the cracked door.

“Oh please,” she says, pushing through the door into the apartment. “It’s Thursday. I knew Felix is at studio and that you’d be alone.”

“Ever think that maybe I might _WANT_ to be alone?” he says, closing the door and moving to join her in the living room.

“Well this is more important. I need your help. I need to have some idea what I’m doing before I go back to practice.”

“Fine…” Ramon says, resigned. “Well, why don’t you tell me what you already learned and I can start you from there….” He sips at his drink next to the chair.

“Well, I have memorized this.” Alison says, pulling Beth’s now dog-eared packet out of her bag. She tosses it, the papers landing squarely in Ramon’s lap.

He sighs, and picks it up, starts to leaf through. “And you memorized all this?” He says, an eyebrow raised.

“Is that so hard to believe? I memorize scripts all the time for my performances.”

"No, it’s not hard to believe you memorized it, but you memorizes scripts over _weeks_. You’ve had this what a few days? Where you get this anyway? It’s good stuff. Very informative…”

“Oh Elizabeth gave it to me..”

“Elizabeth...” It takes him a moment before he realizes. “Oh, you mean _Childs_? She gave this to you? Huh.”

“Yes. Beth Childs.”

Ramon takes another swig. “Well that’s convenient. She just happen to have this the morning you happen to show up…”

“Oh, no. She met up with me later that day so she could give me the waivers and stuff, and that’s when she gave me the packet.”

“ _Really_ …”

“Yes? Is that so strange?”

“Well ,from what little I know of Childs, frankly _yes_. Guys on the team have always described her as kind of a cold fish. All business. Not exactly the go-out-of-her-way-to-be-nice type. And there was this rumor last year… well, whatever. Not important.”

“Well, it’s probably all just part of her duty as captain anyway. To help out the new members.”

“I think I remember Felix’s sister saying that when she joined up, all the captain did was pull the new girls aside and tell them ‘If you fuck up the boat, I’ll kick your ass.’ ”

“Well _Regardless_ , she was very helpful to me.”

“Yeah? Good. Because I have a feeling you’re going to need _all_ the help you can get. Oh, by the  way, she was asking for you today."

"Who? Beth was?" Alison's eyes shoot up and she feels that flutter in her stomach- which is becoming all too common now.

"Yeah. She was just asking when you're coming back. Said for you to text her..."

"She did?" Alison can feel her smile widening, and a bit of warmth moving to her cheeks. Her mind flits to what Cosima said earlier, about those feelings. She quelchs the thoughts as best she can. _Deal with...whatever it is later. Focus_

"Yes. She did. You know, when I said to make some friends that wasn't exactly who I was expecting. At any rate, it's late. Let’s get to work.”

 Alison nods.

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fun Cophine this chapter because I can't help it. And Cosima, always so wise :) 
> 
> Thanks again for all the awesome comments and kudos! I'm having a blast writing it and I'm glad you guys are enjoying reading as well! :)


	5. Chapter 5

Alison had only left Ramon’s because he kicked her out. And he kicked her out because it was 1 am. Felix had gone to bed an hour or so before and Ramon practically had to shove Alison out the door growling, “We both have to be up in like 3 hours Alison and some of us need our _beauty sleep_!”

She walks back to the dorm, and despite their earlier conversation, her roommate is indeed dead asleep. On top of her covers. On top of papers. Still wearing her clothes. Alison takes the throw blanket off the foot of her bed, and covers Cosima with it.

When she finally slides into her own bed, she finds a swirl of thoughts assaulting her mind. However, it’s not the coxing terms and principles that she and Ramon had been drilling all evening that are keeping her up. More unsettling, it’s her conversation earlier with Cosima’s that ricochets in her head- too loud to ignore.

Conversation about fluttery feelings, heat, and electricity between two people. The issue is that Alison is feeling these things… but with a girl... which doesn’t exactly compute considering her last 19 or so years on this earth. _There has to be another explanation right?_ Maybe she just had a connection with Beth was all.

 _Of course ‘connection’ was the word Cosima had used_.

 _Well, so what?_ She thinks, staring at the darkened ceiling. That connection was the reason she decided to trust Beth, why she wanted to get to know her better, why she wanted to be her friend, right? She wanted to be around her because of that connection- those startling feelings of excitement and comfort. It was why she was drawn to Beth in the first place.

_Drawn to… otherwise known as, attracted to?_

Alison almost cringes at the word and then wants to slap herself silly for even the passing _thought_ of wanting to cringe.

_What is wrong with me??? Why be so upset by this? This is not the end of the world, right? I mean, would it be so weird- So farfetched to consider being attracted to a woman? Sexuality is a spectrum after all… And there is certainly nothing wrong with being gay. Not a thing. There’s nothing wrong with Cosima, or Ramon or Felix or anyone. _

Alison sighs into the dark. _But this is different- is this different? Well, this is my life. The life I’ve planned out, down to the letter, since I was 12 years old. I planned for high school, and theater and work, then going to college and getting a career in my field... I have a 10 year plan_.

And it’s there in the dark that Alison realizes that nowhere in that 10 year plan did she factor in a relationship.

The realization slaps and she thinks about this hard… How could she have not even considered it? _Well_ , she muses, thinking of the few boyfriends she's had and how little she cared about them, _Considering those were my options it just wasn't a priority._ She had just assumed she’d get married to a nice man, have some kids, and move to the suburbs. Live the dream.

 _Well, the dream Mom always talked about._ Alison’s mom had spent Alison’s entire childhood pushing this dream. Their family had always struggled and it wasn’t until just before high school that they were able to move into their now “nice suburban neighborhood.” She had obsessed over it and told Alison that the dream- the husband, Suburbia, children- THAT was what success looked like.

_Well, I can still have kids if I’m with a woman… Still get married... Still have a nice house in a good neighborhood and- Holy Moses WHY AM I THINKING ABOUT MARRIAGE??? I just want to figure out what this thing is with Beth! _

Alison’s alarm blares, startling her. She groans, but forces herself to get up. Forces herself to go to crew practice, even though she finds herself suddenly confused and unsure about so, so much more than just her coxing ability.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth is screwed. Screwed because it’s Friday and she hasn’t heard from Alison and if she doesn’t hear from her by start of practice tomorrow, she really failed. Failed everyone. Failed all of it, in so many ways.

It took everything she had to get herself to practice this morning. She was NOT looking forward to another day of going to the boathouse just to _erg_. It certainly didn’t help that her stomach was queasy from the stress. It also didn’t help that she hasn’t been sleeping. Sleeping issues weren’t something new, but the fresh layer of worry makes it feel that much more raw somehow.

Up ahead, Beth sees Sarah exit the boathouse. She catches sight of Beth and walks to meet her half way. “What’s up Childs? You look like someone ran over your dog.”

“I didn’t sleep well…” Beth mumbles as Sarah turns and falls in step beside her.

“Well there’s a little surprise waitin’ inside that I bet will put some zip on your step…” Sarah smirks, holding the door open for the other rower to enter.

Beth sighs, and is about to retort that she is not in the mood for surprises when she catches sight of said surprise and stops dead in her tracks. Sarah, arriving beside her again, leans her elbow on Beth’s shoulder. “Yeah, Pinky showed up this morning. I knew you’d be excited.”

Beth is aware that Sarah’s waiting for a reaction, so she buttons up all the things she wants to say- to shout- and instead goes with a well measured, “That’s great. We really need a coxswain.” Sarah sighs, disappointed, and Beth ignores her- ignores everything really- and just lets her feet guide her in the direction of the girl in question.

As Beth approaches, she sees Alison talking to Coach S and handing in the same forms Beth had given her just days before. Beth has about a million thoughts and feelings running through her. She’s relieved but also nervous, but also excited?

She comes up on the pair talking rather quickly- so quickly in fact that when she arrives at Alison’s side, the girl actually startles at her arrival. “Oh! Beth! Hi!”

“You’re back…That’s…great.” It’s all Beth can manage, her brain still trying to catch up.

Beth watches as Alison blushes. _Why is that so cute?_ And she replies with a quieter-than-expected, “Yes. I am...I'm here...”

There’s a beat pause which Coach S seems happy to break. “Well, now that we’ve established that Ms. Hendrix is indeed living, breathing and here- let’s get on the water, shall we?”

Both girls’ heads whip to the older woman.

“What today??? Right now???” Beth says it but Alison looks just as alarmed.

“Yes, _right now_.” Coach S looks back and forth between the two, settling on Alison. “You said you’d been working with the men’s coxswain right?”

“Well, yes, but-“

Coach turns to Beth, “And you said you’d help her through it all right?”

Beth runs her fingers through her hair anxiously. “Well, yeah, and-“

“Well then it’s settled.” The older woman concludes, crossing her arms. “Get hands on. Beth will get the cox box for you. I’ve already set up the launch. Have them warm up on the water and I’ll catch up to you. Here’s the lineup, see you a bit.” She hands Beth the piece of paper and without another word, the Irish woman turns and heads down to the docks- leaving the two girls with mouths agape.

Alison whips her face to Beth. “I’m not sure I can do this. I-I mean I know the calls it’s just- I wasn’t ready and-“

Alison is wringing her hands as she stammers and Beth almost instinctually grabs them to hold them still. Alison’s fingers are warm and small under her own cold ones.

“Look,” Beth says, cupping the other girls’ hands. “You can do this. I’m literally going to be right in front of you. Now these guys, they might give you a hard time. They do that. You just need to stand firm, and even if you don’t know something, just _SOUND_ confident and you’ll be fine. Got it?”

When Alison nods her bangs fluff out and Beth is almost glad her own hands are otherwise occupied because honestly, she’s having some very strong compulsions to brush Alison's bangs out of the girls' eyes for her and-

_Nope. Nope. Let’s stop that one there Childs. And why are you holding her hands??? Stop touching her!_

“Alright,” Beth regroups, dropping Alison's hands. “Come with me. I’ll get you a cox box so we can hear you over the speakers, and I’ll talk to the group.”

Alison nods again, and Beth prays the girl is able to vocalize words by the time they have to move the boat or they’re all in trouble. Beth turns and heads to the locked cabinet with the cox boxes. Her heart still hasn’t slowed down. She feels like she just finished rowing a 6k and wonders if she still feels like this, and rows at the same time, if her heart might _actually_ explode. She grabs the equipment out, untangling the slightly twisted cords for the headset and connector cable. She takes a long slow breath and tires to shake off the jitters.

 _God Childs get a grip. Get this stupid little whatever crush thing under control. You are the steadfast leader of this team and should not be the nervous-by-association mess you are right now._ Alison is beside her, still silent. _Here goes,_ Beth clears her throat.

“Alright ladies listen up! Today’s your lucky day because _today_ \- we get back on the water!”

Whoops and cheers let out from the girls around, and Beth lets it go for a moment before making a motion for them to quiet down. “Okay, okay settle. So here’s the lineup: Sarah- Bow, Helena- 2, Danielle- 3, Janis-4, Katija-5, Stubbs- 6, Rachel-7, and yours truly as Stroke.” She smirks and winks, getting a chuckle from Helena and a steely look from Rachel. “And,” Beth continues, mentally sending up a wish to the heavens for this to go well, “Let me officially introduce our new cox- Alison Hendrix! I’m am counting on you giving her the same respect you’d give me…”

“That shouldn’t be hard…” Sarah sneers.

Beth ignores her, instead turning to Alison, “So, care to get us up and going?” Beth heart hammers in her chest, she may pass out. _Oh please, please, please know what to do_ … she silently begs the new girl. _Please?_

Alison pauses a second, before looking raising her eyes to meet the rowers circled around her.

“Alright- let’s get hands on ladies!” She smiles lightly, but her voices is firm. Commanding. And the rest of the crew actually listens, making their way over to the boat. Alison trails behind them a step and flashes Beth a tentative thumbs up before turning back to the task at hand. Beth breathe a sigh of relief before joining them at her place on the boat. _Thank god…_ she thinks. _Maybe this won’t be so hard after all._

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison is a seasoned actress, and she convinces herself if she just runs her lines- like she rehearsed- today should be fine. So far, so good. She uses the commands Ramon told her and that she read about, and manages to say all the right things because the rowers bring the boat down to the dock and place it in the water without a hitch.

It’s actually fascinating, to see eight people respond to her every word, immediately, in unison, and she can see what Ramon was talking about the previous day- that it can be a bit of a power trip almost- having eight people respond to your every command.

She’s not there yet though. Not feeling powerful in the slightest. Not even close. As the girls move away to get their oars, Beth steps up to her and takes the cox box from her hands. She squats down on the dock, the boat resting quietly in the water next to it, and motions for Alison to do the same.

Alison hadn’t known what to expect when she met up with Beth today. Part of her was hoping maybe she had just been so anxious about crew, so overwhelmed, that all those exciting, scary feelings surrounding Beth were more to do with that rather than some _connection_.

That theory had been busted almost immediately upon seeing her.

If anything those feelings were more acute, more crisp, even more apparent today than earlier in the week. The butterflies in her stomach had somehow grown into bats, or maybe pterodactyls, and Alison is worried that the flush in her cheeks is going to make her look almost sunburned. Despite this, she follows suit and kneels down on the dock next to Beth to examine what she’s doing.

“Alright, here’s how you connect the cox box to the boat,” Beth says and Alison is acutely aware of how close they are. “So, for today it’s just a microphone- no worries about what the numbers mean- for now just worry about getting a feel for the steering…”

Alison tries to listen, but most of her attention is focused inward. She's at war with herself. There are just too many things, too many _conflicting_ things happening at once. Trying to analyze and ignore feelings- trying to keep a safe distance and yet feeling like she wants to get closer and see what happens. All at the same time. She manages to tune back in long enough and find some words. “What if I crash the boat?”

“You’re not going to crash the boat. It’s really simple- Pull the cord this way you go right, this way left. From your perspective this side’s port, this is starboard.” Alison nods, only feeling slightly assured. “Hey, you’ll be fine. Trust me. Oh, and here, the _Pièce de résistance_ …”

Beth picks up the head set, turning towards Alison so that their faces are no more than a half a foot apart. Beth moves to put it on Alison, but pauses, as if unsure if it were okay. Alison is holding her breath for some reason,  but manages to nod. Beth blinks in understnading, and the corner of her mouth twitches up, a hint of a smirk. "Here, let me..."

The rower brushes bangs out of the way, feather light, and fixes the headset on Alison's head. She feels a swoop in her stomach as Beth’s fingers brush her cheeks. She's not sure how much redder she can get and she hopes the semi-darkness of the morning masks the blush creeping up her face. Beth’s fingers, cool to the touch, linger just a moment before disappearing again and Alison head is fuzzy as she finds herself wishing for them to return.

“There,” Beth says quietly, pulling back an inch assessing her work. “NOW you look like a coxswain." There's a pause, and for a moment they're just looking at each other. Nothing is happening out right, nothing observable at least, but Alison can feel it. Like the force that draws two magnets or the static buildup right before the lightning strike- the space between them feels charged. She wishes desperately she could understand what _that_ look Beth is giving her means as well, but just as quickly as it's there, Beth blinks, and seems to shake it away. "Um... I’m going to go grab my oar and we’ll get going.” She smiles quick, before standing up and doing just that.

Beth is gone, and that charged potential with her. Alison fiddles with the head band and microphone, feeling a bit silly- like a telephone call bank operator or a something like that. Beth is back, and the team is ready so she calls out the commands and everyone hops in.

Rowers adjust foot stretchers and Alison is very nervous. She fiddles with steering, checking odds and ends, and things she doesn't even understand. She's biding time until Beth slides up close to her, placing a hand on her foot. “Hey- you’re going to be fine.” There’s something in Beth’s easy smile, that makes Alison almost believe her. “Just remember, be confident, and don’t take any of their shit.” She winks, almost knowing how the swearing ruffles her. “Really though, you can do it.”

Alison nods, and manages to eek out a small smile-for Beth’s sake- though she doesn’t even believe that herself.

“Alright all,” She starts into the mic and works on mustering the same voice she used with her most difficult diner customers or even the children she used to babysit. “All hands on the dock, push off in two. One- two!”

Alison is surprised and delighted when 8 hands do exactly what she ask- all moving as one, and pushing the boat gently away, giving them clearance to start rowing.

After a moment of gently drifting, she realizes that nothing else is happening. They’re all waiting for instruction. She looks to Beth, who nods in encouragement.

“Oh, alright. Lovely. Let’s see…um, bow pair, could you please row us away from the dock a bit?”

In front of her, Beth closes her eyes- almost as if bracing for something- and a moment later it comes. She recognizes the surly English accent, that cracks the quiet morning- reaching her all the way from bow.

“ _Please_? Ya‘ear that Helena? The Duchess asked us if we would be ever so kind as to row for her? Should we acquiesce?”

Alison thinks she hears Sarah’s sister mumble something like “What is aqu-i-ess?” before Alison takes a deep breath and tries again. “Bow pair, row…?”

“Yes, your highness!” Sarah’s voice yelps back to her. There are chuckles from others in the boat, but they do start to row- much to Alison’s relief.

The rest of the warm up goes uneventfully- everyone listening to her until all 8 of them were rowing at once. She notices Coach S pull up, and signal for her to have the boat stop so she could tell them what drills they would be doing today. She raises her hand- motioning to the coach that she got the message- and clears her throat again before saying “Okay, way-enough!”

Before she even realizes what’s happening, the boat comes to a screeching halt- almost sending her flying forward out of her seat.

She hears laughter- _God I’m sick of that laugh_ \- from bow seat again. “I think someone forgot to say ‘Simon says’!”

The girl with the blonde bob hairstyle- _Raquel? Rachel?_ sitting right behind Beth, peeks her head out, scowling. She levels an icy, detached gaze Alison’s way as she intones, “Are you a completely incompetent? You have to give us _some_ warning… You may do well to try an _‘in two’_ in the future…Or perhaps a different sport entirely?”

Alison blushes, hard, and sets her jaw. She glances to Beth, who takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly- as if to encourage her to do so as well. She thinks she can see the little bit of doubt in her eyes though, and honestly if they weren’t in the middle of the river, Alison would not think twice about leaving right now.

The coach pulls her launch boat up next to them, and explains the drill of the day- very straight forward timed rows, each 3 minutes long. Alison was very grateful for something simple. She does take that deep breath, and has to keep reminding herself to do so.

For the rest of practice, Alison was very careful, very precise with all her calls but even then- even after making each call just as she and Ramon and she had practiced- it still didn’t stop the degrading comments from Sarah in Bow seat, the barely stifled chuckling mid boat, or that Rachel girl’s over exaggerated sighs of contempt. Alison knew this would be rough, Beth had told her so, and she had expected some push back… but this outright hostility and- and _RUDENESS_ was something else entirely.

Ms. S made a motion- I was time for Alison to turn the boat around and for them to head back to the dock for the day. Alison felt resigned. She had already done the math- exactly how many minutes until she could be back to dry land, and back to her bed and to forget this whole nightmare. She feels a familiar sting behind her eyes, tears threatening to leak out.

Before she turns them, Beth slides up towards her. Alison’s already decided that no amount of encouraging smiles, even if they are from Beth, are going to make this better.

But that’s not what she gets at all.

When Beth scoots up and there is no encouraging smile. In fact, Beth looks furious. “Okay, listen,” she whispers, so the mic or Rachel doesn’t pick it up. “I don’t know you very well but I do know this- you need to get your shit together.”

Alison’s eyebrows shoot up into her bangs. That… was not what she was expecting.

“Yeah, that’s right,” Beth continues. “Like I said, I haven't known you very long, but I don’t think you’re the type to take this kind of abuse. SO, this is not the time to get upset- this is the time to get _Pissed. Off_. So get _your_ shit together, lay the smack down on these idiots and show them who’s boat this is!” She hisses, before sliding back into position. Waiting.

Alison feels something inside her crumble. Pieces inside her seem to just fold in on themselves like a house of cards.  _Beth yelled at me. Beth told me to get my sh- stuff together. She yelled at me!_

Alison knows she’s stronger than this but she can’t seem stop it and one big fat salty tear leaks out- which she hastily wipes away. She has _never_ , ever felt this low. Not even when she accidently fell off the stage in her 8th grade production of _Grease._ She bites her lip and manages to eek out commands for them to turn.

Once the boat is facing the right direction, she sighs. There will be time to pick up the cards when she's back on land. She'sabout to get everyone moving towards home, when she hears it.

She hears it- cool and crisp, from seven seat.

“Let’s do hurry it up Ms. Hendrix. I have a lot to do today and I’d rather have any more of my time wasted this morning, with your continued fumbling around…”

Something inside of her just… snaps. Her face flushes again and her hands clench, but this time it isn’t because she’s anxious or worried or upset. This time, Alison Hendrix is indeed  _Pissed. Off_.

Beth must have seen this change, because what started as a slightly empathetic look on the rower’s face has slowly turned serious.

Alison grips the mic and holding it even closer to her mouth.

“That. Is. It.” She growls low, and her eyes are nothing more than slits. “I have something to say… and I’d like it if you all can listen for a moment…”

“What? No ‘please’ for us?” Sarah jeers from Bow.

Alison huffs out an angry breath through her nose, like a bull preparing to charge, as she starts again, spitting her words into the microphone.

“You know what? No. There will be no _please._ I joined this team because you guys were desperate- you couldn’t find anyone else to help you so I decided _out of the goodness of my heart_ , to step way out of my comfort zone and help. I have worked very hard to learn everything I can about this sport and worked VERY hard at doing a good job. This is my FIRST DAY mind you. All I want is to get the same respect I give you all, in return. But I haven’t. _I'm the one_ saving your behinds and if you’re not going to respect me, better at least respect _THAT_. This in mind, _BOW SEAT_ and _SEVEN SEAT_ ,-you both are going to row us back to the dock _by yourselves_.”

“That,” Rachel grits out between clenched teeth, “Will take an _exceedingly_ long time…”

“Well then, I guess you’ll have an _exceedingly long time_ to figure out how to muster up a little more respect for me then,” she seethes. She sits up a bit straight and barks right into the mic, “BOW SEAT! SEVEN SEAT! Sit ready, and _ROW_!”

There’s a pause. And for a moment, Alison thinks she’s hammered the last nail in her coffin. But then, she sees Rachel’s oar move and take a stroke. And at the other end of the boat, Sarah’s oar falls in with her.

Alison hears some muttering from bow, and can practically feel Rachel glaring at her. Adrenaline is still coursing through, she adds, “ _No talking in the boat!-_ Or I’ll make you drop down to just rowing with just arms…”

She was met with no reply. Only silence.

They held that silence too, all 9 girls in the boat and for a while the only sounds were of the two oars chopping through the water. Alison waited. She waited for quite a bit before she dared to meet Beth’s eyes.

When she did, she was surprised. Beth was beaming at her.

Neither of them say anything until they dock. Alison gives the commands for everyone to get out, and the rowers comply. "Thank you," She says into the mic before climbing out herself. Rowers grumble, quietly pouting as they remove oars and carry them up. Alison sets to work unhooking the cox box, bending over the boat to do so, when she feels someone next to her.

Beth leans down close, and Alison can feel the rower's breath on her ear, giving her goose bumps.

"Nice work, Ali," Beth grins, before leaving to put her own oar away.

 _Ali_. Her heart skips a beat and she knows it's probably not proper to be smiling this hard after being so coarse in the boat, but she can't help it. _Not a bad first day. Not bad at all..._

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeeeeeeah... kinda a longer chapter. Plot is moving a bit slowly but I promise it'll pick up now that they're back together and up and rowing :)


	6. Chapter 6

 

 

Alison is still floating from her complement from Beth when Coach S called them together.

"Nice work girls. It's grand to be back on the water, and I'm glad to have a coxswain who can manage to steer a straight course at least. Let's keep it rolling shall we? See you all tomorrow mornin'."

The huddle of girls breaks up, and Alison lets out a small sigh of relief. _I made it through the first day at least_. She starts towards the parking lot, to find Ramon for her ride home, when a strong hand latches to her forearm, holding her in place.

"And just where do you think you're going?"

Alison turns back and is met by a smirking Beth.

"Heading back to my dorm?"

“No, you’re not. You’re coming to breakfast with the team.”

“I’m not sure that’s a good idea after this morning…” Alison says quietly, distracted by Beth's hand- the grip has loosened and has slid down a bit but is still encircling her wrist lightly.

“No, it’s a _great_ idea. We all always eat breakfast together. Eating a meal today erases all that tension from practice. It’s a time to decompress basically. So, you’re going. Come on- I’ll give you a ride.” Beth lets go of her arm, and stalks towards the parking lot, without even looking back to see if Alison is following.

Alison does follow, as if Beth's hand was still attached, pulling her along. Beth arrives at a beat up Ford Taurus. It's definitely an older model, quite a bit older. The navy blue paint is chipped in places, and rust has been nibbling at the wheel wells. Beth unlocks her side before leaning over and flipping the latch on the passenger side.

Alison opens the door with a _creeeeek_. The passenger seat is littered with gum wrappers, gym clothes and, oddly enough, cassette tapes.

"Hang on," Beth says, and moves to clean of the passenger seat. She haphazardly scoops the clothes and tapes and tosses them in the backseat, opting to simply brush off the remaining wrappers and miscellaneous debris onto the floor. "There, all set" She grins and Alison hops in hesitantly.

She closes the door and takes a better look at the vehicle. Despite the mess, the car sort of nice. It's like a favorite arm chair- a bit frayed and broken in around the edges but worn in and comfortable. Like home.

"I like your car, it's very... you," Alison says, before she can wonder exactly how she can arrive at this conclusion so soundly about someone she barely knows.

"Thanks, it's my baby," she says, patting the dashboard affectionately before starting the engine. "I've had her since junior year in high school. I had to save up for what felt like forever and I had my dad drive me to like 40 different places, answering ads, before I found her. It was love at first sight..."

"Cool," Alison's not exactly sure how to add to that.

They're quiet for a moment, but as they pull out onto the road again Beth starts chuckling to herself. Before Alison can inquire about what joke she missed, Beth chimes in.

“I’m sorry- I’m sorry,” Beth lapses through chuckles “I was just thinking about how perfect that practice ended. Hilarious, and just too perfect. You were just too perfect- you have no idea.”

“Thanks?”

“No, lemmie just tell you- I never, ever thought I’d see someone shut down both Sarah AND Rachel in one go. That was like, _incredible._ It’s even more perfect because you paired them up and they HATE each other. Classic...”

“Oh! I didn’t know they hate each other…”

“No, no, don’t feel bad! That’s _why_ it was SO. PERFECT. Once you’re on the team a while, you’ll start to get to know the dynamics. We’re a small team so we’re tight but of course there are people that are closer and people that… well aren’t.” She glances towards Alison, raising an eyebrow.

“Like Sarah and Rachel?”

“Exactly.”

Alison nods to herself. "So, why do they hate each other?”

Beth shrugs, “No one knows. It’s hilarious though, when they start sniping at each other. I maaaaaaay sometimes, possibly, sort of intentionally do things that I know will spark them off. It's just way, way too much fun when they start going at it... But yeah, the more you hang out, the more you'll start to see those different dynamics. Which is good- you need to get to know these guys. Get to know what motivates them and what doesn’t so you sort of unify us on the water…”

“Isn’t that your job, _Captain_ …to unify the team. Lead everyone,” Alison pokes Beth's shoulder playfully, pushing it a bit.

“It’s my job to get them together _OFF_ the water, and sure they follow me in the boat but the rest m’dear, is all you,” Beth rolls the car to a stop in front of the building with the cafeteria in it. "Now, come on, let's get some grub."

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

In the Cafeteria, Alison- always a light eater- grabs some yogurt (plain, non-fat) and some granola. She returned to Beth’s side, unsure of exactly where she should sit, while Beth waits for her bagel to toast.

Beth turns to her, “We always sit at those long tables near the windows at the front. Go sit, I’ll be there in a sec.”

“Okay,” and she reluctantly makes her way over. A few of the team are already there- both men’s and women’s team, though they appeared to choose to sit semi segregated from each other- girls with girls, guys with guys. Alison chooses an open spot on the far side, next to the girl who sat in 5 seat in her boat. The girl has bright red hair, and has sunglasses on. All she has in front of her is a large cup of black coffee.

“Hey, it’s Katija, right? Can I sit here?”

The girl with the sunglasses doesn’t bother turning towards her. She simply shrugs, makes a flippant, casual hand gesture and says , “Rock and Roll,” before taking another long slip of coffee.

Alison hopes that’s a 'yes', and sits down. She tries to catch Ramon’s eye from the other end of the table, but he seems to be deep in discussion with another rower on the men’s team wearing a trucker hat.

“Geez, you’re ‘ere less than a day and already flirtin’ with the men’s team…”

Alison turns forward again and sees, much to her dismay, Sarah and her sister sit down directly opposite her at the table. “What?- No. I was just-“

“You were jus’-jus'- _jus’ what,_ Pinky?”

“Knock it off Sarah,” Beth says lightly, sitting in the empty chair to Alison’s right. _Thank god_ , Alison thinks.

“Hey look Helena, it’s Pinky’s knight in shinin’ amour, here to sweep her off her feet…”

Beth rolls her eyes, “Hey, just because you got called out on your shit in the boat this morning, doesn’t mean you need to drag me into it.”

“What shit? I was jus’ havin’ a bit of fun, yeah? Right Alison?” She smirks looking at the coxswain. “Besides, I would have given _anything_ to have seen Rachel’s sour face when you told her she’d have an ‘ _exceedingly long time’_ to think about it!”

Rachel, having sat down a moment earlier further down the table, stares down her nose towards Sarah, intoning, “Personally, I'm happy to know that sitting Seven seat allows me to _never_ have to see _your face_.”

“You want to come over here and say that again you bloody turnip?!?” Sarah growls, eyes blazing.

“Please, guys let’s not fight…” The heavier set girl, 6 seat, says, sitting down.

“ _Shut your trap Stubbs_! This doesn't concern you!”

“ _Please_ , sestra…” Helena grumbles through a mouth full of food. She halfheartedly covers her ears, trying to block out Sarah’s ranting.

Beth chuckles, turning slightly to Alison and giving her a nudge with her elbow. “Welcome to Team Crazy.”

The rest of breakfast went uneventfully. Sarah quieted down, with Helena’s insistence, though she kept shooting annoyed glares at Rachel. Alison took the opportunity to get to know the other rowers, just through observation, and Beth added along with a few side whispers here and there, filling in blanks.

She learned a lot.

She learned Katija wears those sunglasses all the time- Indoors, outdoors, rowing and otherwise- and Alison deduced she is in a band of some sort (Janis had asked her something about a gig coming up). Beth adds- very quietly- that there was some sort of minor fight between Katija and Helena when they first met, but that they manage to just stay away from each other now. "That's the other reason Helena's two seat- you know, besides to try and buffer Sarah from everyone- we decided as a team to try and keep them as far away as possible."

Three seat, Danielle… well Alison couldn't learn anything about her really. She is so quiet you’d think she was dead. In fact, Alison tires to think if she’s heard her speak yet. Beth tells her it's been months since Danielle's said anything (and then, it was just 'ow' when Helena accidentally hit her in the back). "But, it's cool, you know? She comes to practice, does what's needed so most of us are pretty sure she's either just a bit shy or is just planning on murdering us all..." Beth adds.

Janis appeared to be kind of goth. _Who puts on black eyeliner and mascara at 4 in the morning?_ Alison counted seven piercings in her ears- and that’s not including the one in her lip and nose. Beth added that she thought she'd heard Janis was studying to be a forensic pathologist- "Or a mortician, I can't remember". She seemed nice enough, though the f-word seemed to be her favorite adjective. Alison was glad at least it wasn't directed towards her.

The girl they called Stubbs, whom Sarah yelled at earlier, seems to be a bit of a scapegoat for everyone. Alison did appreciate how she just keeps smiling through it all- simply disregarding everyone's disparaging comments. And Rachel… well, Alison can do without her entirely. Rachel is not only completely unpleasant but also just kind of _unsettling_ for some reason. She had a hardboiled egg for breakfast and Alison smirks thinking how apt that seems.

The best part of breakfast, what she had missed initially and had hoped for when joining up, was how cohesive the team seemed to be. Everyone laughed, joked and even with the barbs exchanged they all seemed to get along well. Even with the men's team. Alison didn't have a lot of time to talk with them, but they too laughed a lot and seemed friendly enough.

Before she knew it, it was almost 9 o'clock. "Oh, shoot! I have class soon! Please excuse me, I have to run!" Alison says standing up.

"God, the manners on this one! I feel like I should curtsey!" Sarah laughs.

"See you tomorrow morning," Beth says, ignoring Sarah.

"Yes- absolutely! Bye!" Alison adds, hurrying out of the cafeteria. Though French class could not be half as interesting as her morning has been so far.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth keeps moving. The morning was madness, a whirlwind of surprises and feelings- neither she particularly enjoys spending time dealing with. Luckily, Friday’s were fully loaded with classes, so downtime was scarce. Just the way she liked it.

Just as she had finally settled into a groove and was en route to her third class of the day, she hears her text alert from inside her backpack. Digging around for a second, she finally comes up with her phone. The text is short, but sets Beth back to square one as far as getting a certain coxswain off her mind.

**Alison: Thanks for your faith in me this morning. Couldn’t have**

**imagined doing it without you right there. See you tomorrow morning**!

Several emoticons followed the text part of the message- most of which Beth would probably have to bring to some sort of linguist or tech enthusiast to decode (texting, technology in general, was not really her _thing_ ) but the words were easy enough to understand, right?

_Thank you. Couldn’t have imagined doing it without you. See you tomorrow morning._

Beth read it, and slipped her phone into her bag again. _I don’t have time for this right now_.

She only walked another 30 feet before digging around, grabbing the phone back out and reading it again.

_Nope, still the same thing._

By the third time she re-read it, she knew this was going to be a long day.

What did she mean by- _Couldn’t have imagined doing it without you_?

So much had transpired between the two of this morning it could be anything. Well, _to Beth_ , so much had transpired… as far as she knew Alison had no idea about the wild roller coaster Beth had been riding. Though Beth could _swear_ that Alison looked like she was feeling something too- that moment... with the headset this morning…

 _No, you idiot. She was probably just weirded out by the super creeper vibe you were giving off!_ Beth shook her head, trying to dislodge the thought.

Beth has a history of that- reading too much into things. That, or the opposite- reading too little into things. That’s what happened with Paul. She just didn’t see what was happening. She didn’t take it seriously, so she figured he didn’t either. At least she’d thought. How incredibly wrong she was on that one.

_That’s your problem Childs, you get too close to a situation to see it clearly._

Which is why she needs to really watch herself with Alison. She could admit it- _had to admit it_ since it was so painfully clear after this morning’s practice when she could barely contain herself- that she had a crush. She had a _major crush_ in fact, on Alison.

Alison whom she barely knew but felt like she’d known much longer. Alison who wears pink and more pink but is clearly so much more than that stereotype. Alison who gets flustered at a swear but managed to shut up both Sarah AND Rachel in a single, devastatingly awesome power move. Alison who said she wanted to be Beth’s friend, to get to know her, and _meant_ it… something no one’s really said since she became friends with Art, back in high school.

Yes, there was a lot of appealing traits to Alison Hendrix, and that’s why Beth doesn’t want to ruin it with something as ridiculous as her _feelings_. That stuff just gets people hurt. Especially when it’s not reciprocated.

So she makes the decision, right then and there, to make sure Alison never finds out about all this.

And no, she's not going to text her back. _Just play it cool Childs. You'll see her tomorrow morning anyway right? No need to jump when she says jump right_? It takes all she has to put her phone back in her bag again and not text back.

Beth is barely through her bedroom door, before she’s changed into running shorts and sneakers. This is what she does. She runs those feelings away.

She rolls her eyes at herself, all too aware of literal it is. Her, _running away_ from her issues.

But Alison makes her smile. And who knows how long it’s been since that happened.

Beth shakes her head once more, it’s going to be at least 6 miles before she can put enough distance between her and all this.

  

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison yet again nervous- about coxing but also about the text she sent yesterday. She’s not even sure why she sent it!... Well actually she is.

She sent it because she wanted to talk with Beth. Not just to tell her thank you… she just wanted to _talk_ to her. About anything. Or nothing. Or everything… Or maybe possibly about the certain feelings she’s been having and perhaps if Beth maybe, possibly was feeling that too?

Saying thank you seemed like not only a good first step, but also significantly less confusing, awkward and generally creepy than “Hey I’ve been quietly obsessing about this thing between us. What do you think?”

Alison probably wrote and deleted about 20 or 30 versions of that text before settling on wording (and even now she still isn’t fully satisfied) but Beth hadn’t sent anything back.

_What does that mean???_

It meant a whole new thing to obsess about.

Showing up to practice the next morning didn’t seem to set her any more at ease. Most of the rowers, including Beth, were already there when she arrived.

The girls were standing around, and as Alison thought Beth looked (extra) intimidating in the morning light. Today she was wearing a backwards baseball cap and aviator glasses, a baggy sweatshirt and spandex shorts that showed off every single muscle in her legs and-

 _Jiminy Cricket- Pull yourself together!_  She coached herself to calm as she joined the rest of the group.

Saturday practice started at 8am instead of 5am and the difference was striking. For one, somehow everyone looked _more_ tired. Alison’s not exactly sure why- though the fact that Saturday morning practice was proceded by Friday night might be a clue.

They didn’t dawdle on the dock, and it wasn’t until they were on the water, sparkling and bright in the morning sun, that she realized another difference.

Looking down the line as they pulled out, she realized it wasn’t just Katija and Beth in sunglasses this morning. It was all of them. All except herself.

Turns out, 8am on the river creates an absolutely blinding glare off the water.

Alison tries her best- squints for the first half hour. She keeps trying to shade her eyes with her hand, having to take it off the steering, which makes the boat start to drift a bit and is almost more trouble than it’s worth. Ahead of her Beth and the other rowers are just fuzzy silhouettes and whenever Alison blinks she’s seeing sun spots behind her eyes. Eventually they way-enough and she rubs her eyes. _Stupid learning curve_.

Beth scoots up, coming back into focus. “Hey, do you want to borrow my sunglasses for today?”

“Uh…” Alison weighs it. She doesn’t want to be needy but she’s also practically blind. “Yes please.”

Beth slides them off, handing them forward to Alison. She turns her own hat around, shading her eyes. “Well, let’s have a look…”

Alison puts them on, and instantly the world comes back into a clear, blue tinted, focus.

Beth quirks an eyebrow, the edge of her mouth twitching up. “Shit Ali, you look fucking bad-ass.”

Alison is glad Beth can no longer see her eyes, but she’s sure she won’t miss the blush. She covers her mike to reply and can hardly believe the words that come tumbling out. Unabashedly flirty. “Well you'd better watch your mouth then, shouldn't you?"

Much to Alison's relief, Beth smirks again. Her eyes shaded and hidden now by the bill of her cap. “You’re damn right.”

Before Alison can recompose herself, Coach S yells through the megaphone for them to pick it up and repeat the drill again. Alison's thankful- she needs to stick to coxswain calls. She's not sure she can trust her own words right now. 

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Holy flattering comments Batman! Thanks for so many nice words! I finally had to sit and try and outline this thing because I realized that it could probably go on forever and I should probably have some idea where it's going before it gets out of control :) All of the clones on one team- too many possibilities! 
> 
> Even with an outline, this is going to be a doozey- so much more to come. 
> 
> And yes, more Ramon. Because RAMON!


	7. Chapter 7

Beth decides to just put some distance between her and Alison. Once they get off the water and put everything away, she pretended not to notice Alison looking her way, subtly trying to get her attention.

_If you don’t have anything 100% platonic to say, don’t say anything at all, right?_

Beth makes a break for her car, and is almost home free when she hears light footfalls and a short “Beth! Wait up!” from behind her.

She turns and there Alison is, once again decked out in pink and currently trapping her at her car. “Oh, hey Ali..-son.” She opts for her full name instead. _Yes, no nicknames. Formal. Maybe that’s better?_

The slightly wounded look ( _or am I imagining that too?_ ) says otherwise. “I was just going to ask if I can get a ride with you to breakfast again?”

 _Oh god that smile… No. No more alone time. For the moment. For now. Until I get a handle on…on whatever_. “Uhhhhh….” Beth’s eyes dart around for a moment, until they land on the perfect solution. “Sure. I’m giving Stubbs a ride too in fact- HEY STUBBS!” Beth yells, catching sight of the rower from across the parking lot. “YOU WANTED A LIFT TO BREAKFAST WITH US RIGHT?”

“Oh- YES! Of course Beth!” Stubbs yells back, and even from way across the lot it’s apparent that she’s visibly excited at being publicly acknowledged. She all but skips across the lot towards them, wheeling her blue bicycle with her. “This is such a treat! I was just going to ride my bike- is there room for it in the back? OH THANK YOU SO MUCH!”

“Of course!- I’ll tie it in the trunk. And yeah, the more the merrier!” Beth chimes, as chipper as possible _. At least this care ride will be… well still awkward but there’s nothing to be done about it now at least_.

The drive was short and quiet. At the beginning, it looked like Alison was going to say something, but then Stubbs had interupted, all but diving between them to play with the radio. Alison didn't seem to have a lot to say after that, and they drove the rest of the way in relative silence- with the exception of Stubbs’ humming along with the radio in the backseat, just happy to be included.

At the cafeteria, Beth opted for cereal- something fast so she could get to the table before the girl with the bangs. She purposely chooses a seat at the table next to Sarah. On the other side of her was an empty seat, and then Rachel. _There’s no way she’s going to sit next to Rachel. No way_.

“Childs, any plans for the evenin’?” Sarah mouths around a large bite of pancake.

“Eh, maybe gym?”

“Well, forget all that because you’re coming out with us.”

Beth sighs. Evenings with Sarah were anything but relaxing. You never knew what to expect. “And who exactly is _us_?”

“The regular Crew-crew. Me, Helena, the guys, the girls. You know.”

“And I’m assuming ‘no’ isn’t an answer?”

“Oh come on Childs! How often do I drag you out?- No don’t answer that. But you have to admit, you usually have a pretty good time…”

“You almost got arrested by campus police last time.”

“How was I supposed to know you couldn’t pee there? Anyway, you had fun didn’t ya?”

“Fine,” Beth sighs, knowing it’s no use to fight it any longer.

“Good.” Sarah smirks. “So…you can invite someone to join us if you like…”

“What?” Beth disregards her own cereal, turning to Sarah.

“I’m just saying, if there were _someone_ you wanted to bring, you could.”

“Sarah, who on earth would I bring that’s not already coming?”

Sarah rolls her eyes. “Maybe a certain _new team member_ … A _pink-clad coxswain_ perhaps?”

“No.”

As if being summoned, Alison appears to Beth’s left, and actually sits down between Rachel and Beth like it’s no big deal. _Shit._

“Beth, don’t be an arse, and jus’ take me up on that. It’s a good idea...”

“Sarah. Shut. Up.” Beth grits between her teeth, hoping to god this wasn’t going where she thought it was.

“Fine, fine…” Sarah puts up her hands, and Beth breathes for just a moment. She refocus on the breakfast at hand, happy to be done.

“Oh, hey, Alison?” Sarah begins again, leaning forward over the table to see around Beth. _Shit_.

“Yes?”

“Me, and some others- including Beth- are going out tonight. Wanna to join us?” It’s so cordial and saccharine a tone, it sounds completely foreign coming from Sarah. _Note to self, kill Sarah. Just kill her_.

“Oh I’d love to!” She says brightly. “Oh wait- shoot- I forgot! I have to work tonight…”

A marching band strikes up a cheerful celebration tune in Beth’s head and she can actually feel the tightness in her chest start to subside. “Oh well, maybe next time.” Beth adds.

“Yeah, I’d really like to join you next time…” Alison adds, looking straight into Beth’s eyes, and that chest tightness is back with a vengeance.

“Yeah. Cool. Hey, I gotta run, I'll see you Monday..." Beth moves to get up but is stopped by Alison's hand on her arm

"Wait- um... I was going to ask you something..." Alison bites her lip and Beth had no idea how attractive that little gesture could be until this moment.

"Yeah?"

"Um..." Alison pauses momentarily. "I was wondering if you wanted to hang out Sunday."

"Me?" Beth wants to slap herself. _Duh- doofus!_

"Yeah, if you're not too busy..." Alison's staring her right in the eyes, whatever insecurities she started the conversation with, must be starting to fade.

"Yeah, I guess that'd be cool." What!?!? _What are you doing idiot!_ "I mean I'm not sure, but maybe?" _Dumb dumb dumb dumb- IDIOT._

"How 'bout I just text you then and we'll figure something out?"

"Okay, sounds good. I'll text you. See ya!" And Beth manages to leave before she says anything else too stupid.

_Great, now I'm going to have to text her. Maybe I'll come up with an excuse?_

_Ooooor maybe I should just hang out. How bad could it be?_ The argument wages back and forth with herself, as she exits the cafeteria.

 _It could be BAD. I mean... remember Annie in high school? I told her liked her and POOF friendship over. Never spoke to me again_.

_This could be different though, right? This is different. I'm not in high school any more. And Alison could be cool. She could be mature about it if she doesn't feel the same way..._

_FEEL THE SAME WAY??? She has done nothing to indicate she might even possibly be gay, let alone like me..._

"Okay stop." Beth mumbles to herself, to quell the thoughts inside.

She had no idea what to do really. All she knows is that the idea of spending more time with Alison- of Alison _wanting_ to spend time with her- is almost too good to be true, and maybe she should just suck it up and enjoy it.

 

_*_*_*_*_*_

 

Sarah’s evening out for them all ended up being a night at the old bowling alley. The team often ended up there because the alley never carded for alcohol and never seem to mind their over-competitive drunken banter.

Beth always figured she knew herself fairly well. She knows herself enough to know that if she doesn’t reign herself in, she can get a little obsessive. It’s becomes all or nothing sometimes and whenever she lets it get to that point, things tend to unravel. Whether it’s a person, a hobby a sport…if she lets herself she can get lost in it.

Beth learned early on that list included alcohol. When it came to that, it too was all or nothing. And tonight it seemed to be _all_.

Sarah, had bought Beth her first round. And her second. Beth stopped counting after the fourth and as she finishes her current cup she realizes she can’t exactly remember even being handed it.

Any worries she had about that were doused by the next drink in her hand. It was a good night. It was guys verses girls, and they were destroying the boys team. Everything was amazing- she didn’t even mind that Paul was there- it was all amber and golden and light.

“Elizabeth, it is your turn. Then the game is done.” Helena pokes Beth to get her attention. Beth smirks her way. The wild-haired girl had never bowled before and had spent the evening learning everything she could about it. Jesse, from the men’s team, had been teaching her how to score, and the two sat close at the scoring table, heads bent over close whispering and laughing. Beth smiles their way as she steadies herself getting up. _They’d be cute together. I wonder if Sarah’d approve?_

She stands up slowly, aware that balance is not something to take for granted right now. She walks up and selects her ball, turning back to face the crew. “Ladiessssss and Gentleman,” she slurs- and somewhere in the back of her mind she realizes she’s probably making an ass out of herself, but doesn’t care. “I dedicate this last, winning bowl to _us_. The best damn crew team out there!” There’s various whoops and whistles, everyone well lubricated by the beverages. “Oh wait, sorry fellas, I meant the women’s team!” She laughs at her own joke and turns back. She takes a shaky breath, composing herself and tunnel visions down the lane. Beth winds back, and rolls an absolutely brilliant curve, shattering the pins for a strike.

“YES!” she whoops and spins, making a move for her signature celebration dance… except she forgot the parquet floor is waxed.

“Oof.” There’s a slap and crumble as she smacks the floor.

Various barks of laughter from the team ahead, but there’s a strong hand on her arm helping her up. “You need to be more careful, Elizabeth,” Helena tuts, heaves her back up to standing before walking her over to her seat again.

“Oi, Childs! Ya silly tit. You’re a piece of work aren’t ya?” Sarah slings an arm over Beth’s shoulder, taking a swig from her own bottle.

Beth’s mind slowly makes it back to the moment. “Heeeeeeey, where’d my drink go?”

“Beth, I think you’re done for the night…” Art says, walking over.

“Oh shut up Art! You guyz are-are-are always telling me I’m no fun. Well now I’m fun right???” She moves to stand for her point, but the room seems to move first, swaying her back into her seat.

“Well, I definitely think you’ve broken the fun meter tonight…” Sarah smirks.

“Eeeeeexactly!”

“We’re going to get some grub now. May be just what the doctor order for you, yeah?”

“Will there be waffles?” Beth feels her mouth water at the idea of waffles.

“As a matter uh’ fact, there jus’ may be.”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison still hadn’t heard back from Cosima. Not that she was surprised, she did tell Alison she was going to be spending the evening with Delphine, but that didn’t stop the anxiety from building.

Alison had texted Cosima midafternoon. She had to talk to _someone_ about Beth, before she made a total fool out of herself. She didn’t dare talk to Ramon though. While Ramon could definitely keep a secret she couldn’t chance that somehow that rather sensitive information could make its way to Felix, then to Sarah _(ugh, could you imagine???)_ and then on to Beth. She couldn’t risk that- not when she wasn’t even sure exactly what was going on herself.

Well actually she had a fairly good idea what was going on.

She had a crush. For sure. On one Elizabeth Childs.

Alison found herself thinking about Beth at the most in opportune times. Like her European Lit class for example. She was shocked when she went back to review her notes, to find a bunch of little hearts scribbled in the section that she should have been reserved for 18th century poets.

Not only was she thinking about Beth at inopportune times, but in increasingly inappropriate ways. Alison found herself more than a little flushed an surprised at exactly how compromising some of those Beth related thoughts were getting.

She stares at the clock behind the counter in the diner. _10:00pm. Only 2 more hours, thank god._

Saturday nights usually only yielded two types of clientele: Long Haul truckers or drunk people- neither which Alison was particularly fond of. As if on cue, Alison hears them. What sounds like a whole group of inebriated college kids, heading through the parking lot towards the restaurant.

Alison sighs. _Drunk college kids are the worst_. They’re rude, crass, sometimes they’ll tease or hit on her, and are historically terrible tippers. Still, she is a professional. She’s been working as a server here since she as 15 and will always take her work responsibilities seriously and-

_-Oh ffffffish sticks._

In through the doors they stumbled- voices and movements expansive in a way that only being three sheets to the wind can create. The team _\- her team_ \- doesn’t waste time and immediately sets to work pushing tables together. The screeching on the linoleum is deafening and wholly unacceptable. Alison sees Sarah and rushes over to her.

“What are you doing here!?!? I _work_ here!”

“Yah, that’s the point Pinky! Thought since you couldn’t come out and join the party, I’d bring the party to you, isn’t that right Beth?” Sarah steps aside to reveal a clearly intoxicated Beth slumped down in a chair at the table behind her.

At the mention of her name, Beth leans her head backwards to peer upside down at the coxswain. “Hey Ali- oh you’re upside down…” she notes with mild intrigue.

“Beth! Um…” Alison tries to search for something to say, but luckily she’s interrupted.

“Hey, think we could get some wafflessssss? I could go for some of those…” And even upside down, Beth’s sloppy grin causes flutters in her stomach.

“Yes. Right. Let me… Let me get everyone’s order, and I’ll make sure you get some waffles…” Alison makes her way to the other end of the table where Ramon is seated with a bemused smirk. “Ramon…” She begins, trying to quell her anger and fluster rising.

“Ah, Ms. Hendrix herself!” He beams. “Oh, where are my manners, let me introduce you to the guys. This is Jesse, Art, Paul, and- hey where’s Donnie?”

“Right here.” A tall, stocky rower sits down next to Ramon.

“Yeah, Alison, this is Donnie. Donnie, meet my oldest friend- Alison.”

Donnie catches sight of Alison and stands up quickly. He makes a jerky quick movement to shake her hand but ends up knocking over the ketchup bottle and salt shaker in his enthusiasm. He fumbles with the bottles for a second before letting them lay where they fell and leaning over the table, hand extended. “Oh, crap, uh sorry. Hi. Hi Alison…”

She takes his hand hesitantly. _It’s clammy and soft_. “Hello Donnie.” She says stiffly. “Nice to meet you.”

“Oh uh the p-pleasure’s all mine!” He move and sits down, still looking to her as if the conversation is going to continue. Alison blinks, and ignores this as she refocuses her attention to Ramon, smacking him in the arm. “You told Sarah this is where I work???”

“Yeah, I thought we’d surprise you,” He grins, his head clearly not in a state worth arguing with.

“Ugh, fine. So, what do you all want to order?”

It takes Alison at least 15 minutes to extract the order from the group of inebriated rowers. Five of those minutes were spent just with Helena and another men’s team rower as they both excitedly built off each other’s orders, pointing at the menu shared between them and adding more items. By Alison’s tally, the two of them alone ordered almost everything off the back page, including 3 orders of Jell-O.

This should be obnoxious but instead it makes Alison smile, reminding her of a scene from her favorite musical, _Rent_. She hums “La Vie Boheme” as she hands the series of tickets to Jim the cook.

 _So, would that make Beth my Maureen?_ She muses, looking back towards the table. Beth is talking with another rower- _Art was it?_ \- and her excited hand gestures remind Alison of her roommate a bit. _I wish Cosima would text me back_.

Alison opts to keep herself busy, cleaning and tidying, until the food is up. She enlists Jim’s help carrying the multitude of plates out. Jim’s eyes are almost murderous when she asks but he helps anyway.

She sets plates down. The foods varied as much as her team mates it seemed. There was poutine and club sandwiches. Ice cream and coffee. Two donuts for Art, egg-white only omelet for Ramon, all of page two for Helena and Jesse, “And finally, blueberry waffles,” She says, placing the stack down in front of Beth.

“Whoaaa,” Beth says, “I can’t eat all this…” She looks to Alison, gaze slightly unfocused. “Can you help me eat them?” Alison pauses, her lips pursed in thought. Beth takes this pause as a ‘yes’ though and yelps “Thanks!” as she grabs Alison’s arm, pulling her down into the chair beside her.

Beth turns suddenly towards Alison, who almost jumps at the movement. “I uh-…oh. Hey,” Beth says. Whatever thought Beth had been beginning was forgotten it seemed, her eyes glassy with alcohol. Their so close their noses are almost touching and Alison can smell the beer on the rower’s breath.

“Hey,” she says back, and her heart’s in her throat, they’re so close. “Uh, I can only sit a minute. We close in an hour so I have stuff to do.” Beth nods and proceeds to pour the entire tureen of syrup onto the towering pile of waffles, before awkwardly cutting a few pieces off and shoving them in her mouth.

Alison looks across the table to Sarah, eyes pleading as how exactly to deal with a drunken Beth. “She’s drunk,” Alison says, realizing how stupid an observation that may seem.

Sarah sniggers into her hot fudge sundae, “Yah-well none of us are exactly sober. But yeah, when this one decides to go all in on something, she goes all in…”

“Ali, you want some?” Beth turns again, holding a fork full of waffle in front of Alison’s face. Syrup drips on Alison’s jeans and apron and she can’t help thinking of how her laundry is going to be a sticky mess. But Beth is grinning and so against her better judgment, Alison leans forward and bites to food in question off the offered fork.

Syrup gets all over her and it's a mess. _That usually looks a lot better in movies_. The bite is too sweet and almost makes her gag, but Beth seems very pleased so she chews through it. She looks across to Sarah again who has an eyebrow cocked, surprised. Alison shrugs, and she turns back to Beth who is staring at her now, the previous grin replaced with an somewhat troubled look. “You have syrup on your chin…”

Alison doesn’t stop her- doesn’t move- _can’t move_ , as Beth’s fingers gently wipe at the offending syrup. “There,” Beth breaths quietly. “Back to perfect.”

Alison’s breath catches hard in her throat at it’s enough to startle her back to reality. She stands up suddenly “I-I need to get back. I’ll check on you all in a bit.”

She hurriedly heads behind the counter again before anyone can see the slight shake in her hands.

Because she wanted to kiss her. She really, really wanted to kiss Beth Childs.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

 _Nothing is better than waffles_. The thought floats gently through her mind as Beth finishes off the last syrup-soaked bite. When she looks up, Sarah is staring at her. “What?”

“You’re puttin Helena to shame wit’ that display. I’ve never seen you eat so fast.”

Beth shrugs, gulping water sloppily from her glass. The room is still threatening to spin if she lets it, but at least the food is staving off some of the nausea that had been clawing at her.

“And you’re a terrible liar ya know… “ Sarah begins again, leaning forward to make sure she held Beth’s attention. “I’m surprised ya didn’t just lick that syrup off her face…”

Beth scowls- at least she attempts to. “Just leave it.”

“Not until you admit your complete hard-on for Pinky…”

“Shut up Sarah…”

“I can _shout it_ out if ya want, OR you could just say-“

“Fine! Fine! So yeah, maybe I kinda like her…” Sarah’s grin widens to Cheshire cat proportions. “Why are you harping on this so hard anyway?”

Sarah sighs and sits back. Her cocky smirk replaced with something a bit subtler. She shrugs, and takes a sip of her soda. “What can I say? Maybe I just like to see you happy once in a while. So sue me?”

Beth looks down at her empty plate. “Yeah well, I don’t think I’m exactly _her type_ …”

“How do you know? I mean, didja you see that look she gave ya when you tried to take care of that syrup mess…”

“Whatever,” Beth says, rolling her eyes- and immediately regretting that gesture as the room threatened to turn on her again.

“No, really- She was giving you bedroom eyes. Seriously…”

Beth turns herself a bit, to glance at Alison, who’s at the end of the table collecting their check from Ramon. _When did we pay?_ She reaches for her wallet in her back pocket, but it’s not there. A quick survey, and she finds it on the table _. God am I wasted_ , she thinks before returning attention to Sarah. “If you’re shitting me…”

Sarah holds up her hands in defense. “I shit you not bud. I think she may be a bit more open than ya give her credit for. Why don’t ya make a pass and see what happens…”

Beth tries to mull this over- the idea that Alison might consider… but her mind swirls and every thought seems to slip past her grasp before she can focus on it.

Suddenly, everyone’s standing and moving towards the door. _Are we leaving?_ Beth manages to get steady and starts to follow the rest of the team out when Sarah grabs her arm and starts steering her towards the counter instead.

“Oi! Alison!” Sarah barks. Alison turns to face them, slightly startled.

“Sarah? I thought you guys were leaving.”

“We were, but I need a favor. I already have a whole pack of drunk assholes I hafta deposit. Can ya get Loopy here,” Sarah shakes Beth’s arm in the air, “back to her dorm for me? I’ll owe ya one?”

Alison looks from Beth to Sarah and finally sighs. “Okay just- just sit here a bit while I finish up…”

Alison walks off, shaking her head and Sarah calls after her, “Thanks! I’ll owe ya one!” before whispering to Beth, “And you owe ME one..” Sarah exits quickly before Beth’s booze addled brain can come up with a protest.

 

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I promise more stuff- cute stuff- in the next chapter. I swear :) Also, I made a guess at how many chapters it may work out to be. That's bound to change I'm sure.


	8. Chapter 8

Alison bids Jim goodnight and comes around the counter to meet Beth. Beth is currently slumped on the counter, chin resting on her forearms, eyes slightly closed.

“Hey, you okay?” Alison asks, touching the other woman’s shoulder hesitantly.

“Yeah, just trying to keep the world from spinning…I’m good to go.” Beth’s feet drag a bit but they both walk out fine. After a few minutes of silence, Beth takes a deep breath in, letting it out slowly and loudly. “It’s so good, to get some fresh air- ya know?” She slurs.

“Yeah, fresh air is nice. So what were you guys up to beforehand that everyone drank so much?”

“Pffffft- just bowling. They don’t card at the Alley, Ali. HA!” She snorts at her own joke. “That rhymed.”

They walk along a bit further and Alison is thrilled. Thrilled to be so close and alone with Beth but terrified. She’s on unfamiliar territory here. _Okay, speak. Uh… uh…What do I talk about?_ _Doesn’t matter. Maybe I’ll just keep it light,_ she thinks. “So what are you hopes and dreams?” _Or not._

Beth laughs. It’s loud and light and it makes Alison’s heart race.

“What?” The coxswain asks.

“Sorry- you sound like that girl from that movie!”

“What movie?”

“Yooooooou know, the one where she’s like a…a…” Beth rubs her face, as if trying to massage out the right words. “Oh yeah, a _reporter_ and she goes back to high school and is all like ‘what are you hopes and dreams’ to these douchebag popular girls and they’re all like ‘loooooser’ but it all ends up okay with a happy ending…”

Alison thinks for a moment, “Are you talking about ‘Never Been Kissed’?”

“YES! Yes! BINGO! _Ooo_ , you’re good at this, huh?” Beth nudges Alison roughly with her elbow.

“I love that movie.”

“Of coooooooooooourse you do,” Beth smirks.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Alison says, crossing her arms.

“I just mean, it seems like your kind of movie,” she says lightly.

Alison stops on the sidewalk. Beth pauses as well. She wants to remain indignant but it’s hard when Beth is looking at her with that goofy smirk. “Oh and you know me so well now?”

“Maybe. I mean, I’d like to…” she says smirking again, before continuing down the sidewalk.

Alison hops to, catching up in a few steps. _Was she flirting with me? Could she have been?_ “So I like Romantic Comedy movies, so what? They’re fun and they have happy endings. What’s wrong with that?”

“Nothing at all,” Beth shrugs.

“Well, what do _you_ like?”

“Hmmmm?” Beth breezes, clearly feeling better by the small smile on her face.

“I said, what kinds of things do you like?”

“I like rowing,” she says, eyes half closed. She stumbles for a few steps but catches herself.

“Okay, but what else?” Alison knows she’s taking advantage a bit, asking questions of someone who’s drunk, but her desire to be closer, to know Beth just that bit better, out weights any reservations she may have.

“I like… spearmint gum.”

“Okay…”

“And, like… Motown music. My dad had about a million cassette tapes- Smokey Robinson, Supremes, Marvin Gaye, all of them…” she makes a grand gesture with her arm. “Stevie Wonder too. I like him. That’s why I had to look so long for my car… I wanted to make sure I found one with a tape deck. That music… it just makes me…well, it makes me feel good. Even for just a little bit.”

There’s a note of sadness in her voice, and Alison’s not sure how to handle that. She’d only mean to get to know Beth, not to upset her. “I’d love to hear them sometime…”

They’re walking close, and their hands brush slightly as they move. Alison’s about to apologize when Beth moves a bit closer, actually reaching over and intertwining their fingers. Alison can’t breath for a moment. She looks down at their laced hands, then back to Beth who looks shocked herself. “Sorry- I uh, just my head’s kinda spinning and- sorry.”

Beth moves to pull her hand back but Alison tightens her grip instead. “No! I mean, it’s fine. It’s… nice.”

“Nice,” Beth repeats, almost like she’s tasting the word, trying to decide if she likes it. Either way, Alison’s happy, because Beth starts walking again, and their hands remain together like that.

She feels like she’s going to explode. Or implode. She’s not sure. All there is, all that matters right now, is their hands. Together. It’s different, so different than when she’s held hands with guys in the past. So different and so much _better_. Beth’s fingers are their characteristic cool to the touch, but not clammy. _Not like that guy Donnie’s earlier. Not like any of the other guys I know_. They’re smaller too, obviously, but still there’s a sense of strength there and Alison can feel Beth’s calluses from rowing, just at the juncture between palm and fingers.

Neither woman says anything for a while but they’re approaching Beth’s dorm. Alison’s wonders what the taller girl is thinking and wonders if Beth can feel Alison’s heartbeat throb all the way down to her fingertips. She doesn’t want to let go, doesn’t want this moment to end and almost feels like Beth too is hesitant to let go. But now that they’re here, she does, moving to dig out her wallet from her jean’s pocket and rifling through it.

“I always keep it in here…” she mumbles after a moment. “But where…” Beth starts taking everything out, piece by piece, setting it on the bench next to the door. “What the HELL???” She yawps, swaying slightly.

“May I?” Alison asks, gently taking the wallet from the frustrated woman.

Alison thumbs through it for a moment, but doesn’t see the card anywhere. She hands it back to Beth, who- very methodically- starts to put the other papers and cards back into it. “Is there any place else it could be? Did you leave it somewhere? Maybe you forgot it when you last paid for something?”

“No, no, no- I think it was in there when I paid for bowling…” she says, returning the wallet to her back pocket.

“Well what about at the diner?” Alison asks hesitantly. She’s hopes it’s not there because she’s not sure exactly how they’d get back her work right now. Jim probably closed just after they left and no matter how much of a soft spot the cook had for her, she knew he was not about to return to work at 1am.

“At the diner I…” Beth trails off. She suddenly shakes her head as if dismissing something. “No. I guess I just can’t remember… Anyway, it doesn’t matter. You go ahead. Get some sleep. I’m good here.”

“What are you going to do though? How will you get in?”

Beth shrugs, and sits down on the bench, slumping low and sprawling her legs out. Her eyes close as she replies, “Eh, I’ll just wait ‘til someone comes out I guess.”

“Elizabeth Childs!” Alison scolds, sitting down next to her briskly. “You will NOT be waiting out here, alone, for what could be HOURS, for someone to happen to come out. I will not allow it.”

“Well, what exactly do you propose?” Beth says, not bothering to stifle her yawn. “Cause I really need some sleep…”

“I’ll stay here. With you.” She says it without even thinking. She says it without considering any other variables or options- not at all her style. But that seems to be the norm when she’s around Beth. “I’ll stay until we can get back into your dorm.”

“You don’t have to do that…” Beth mumbles but she’s already getting herself comfortable. She folds her arms, and lets her head drop down, eyes almost.

“I’m happy to.” Alison says. And she is.

Both girls lapse into a comfortable silence. The night is a bit chilly, but not unbearable yet. Alison imagines that in just a few more weeks, sitting out like this would definitely be a less comfortable option, so for now she enjoys it. Crickets chirp from a nearby bush, and just as Alison thinks Beth has nodded off, the rower stirs slightly, lolling her head back against the backrest of the bench again.

“You know,” she begins, voice thick with sleep. “I usually don’t drink this much…”

Beth’s eyes are closed, head sprawled back and Alison can’t help but trace the elegant line of her throat with her eyes. “Oh?”

“Yeah…I used to drink, like, a lot in high school… well, I used to do a lotta _not-so-great_ things in high school…but at least I stopped that. I try not to drink so much anymore either ‘cause when I do…I just… Bad things happen. It’s always been like that.”

There’s a sadness there. A sadness Alison wasn’t sure how to help with. She briefly thinks of Ramon, always telling her to stop thinking and just do something. So Alison finds Beth’s hand again, carefully threading their fingers together one by one before giving a little squeeze of assurance. “Well nothing bad will happen this time. I’m here. I’ll make sure of it.”

Beth rolls her head slowly towards Alison, opening her eyes just a bit. A sleepy smile tugs at the corners of her lips. “You’re way too good for me Ali…” Beth’s eyes close again, her head drooping down. Fast asleep.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison’s not sure what time it is, but pale pinks and ambers are already bleeding into the darkness on the horizon. She moves to rub her eyes but one arm seems pinned.

There’s a flutter in her stomach again as she realizes her arm is in fact, pinned under one Elizabeth Childs. At some point in time in the night, Beth must have gotten cold because the rower’s legs were tucked up on the bench and she’s nuzzled up to Alison’s side, head in the crook of Alison’s neck.

Alison takes a deep breath, trying to remain calm, but instead she just gets a whiff of Beth’s shampoo and that just makes Alison’s head woozy. It’s a clean scent- lavender and mint and refreshing. It’s utterly intoxicating.

Beth must have felt Alison shift because she starts to stir awake, blinking slowly. “What?...” She looks at Alison for a moment, trying to piece things together. “Sorry- I think I drooled on you…” She sits up a bit wiping the corner of her mouth. “God.. my head…” she winces.

There’s a click from behind them and the door to the dorm opens. A custodial worker exits pushing her cart full of cleaning products and begins making her way towards the next dorm.

“Wait!” Alison yelps at her, as the door clicks behind. The woman looks at Alison quizzically, stopping for a moment.

Alison hops up rushing over. “Sorry- is there any way you could open that door for us again? My friend is locked out…”

“Lo sentimos, no hablo Inglés. Y no me pagan lo suficiente para hacer frente a los problemas de los estudiantes. Tengo mucho de que preocuparse por mi cuenta.” she replies, beginning to wheel away again.

“Oh, uh…” Alison’s brain is still thick with sleep. She tries to remember something from the one Spanish class she took back in 5th grade, but only French words keep coming up.

“Lo siento, no quiero molestarte, pero me olvidé mi clave.” Beth appears at Alison’s side, and _appears_ to know Spanish. “Era estúpido. No se repetirá. Si usted pudiera por favor, abra la puerta-estaríamos muy fantastico.”

“ ‘Muy fantastico?” The woman chuckles. “Bueno. Sólo esta vez. La próxima vez, simplemente dormir en casa de su novia. ¿Entiendes?”

Beth blushes. “Sí. Entiendo. Mucho Gracias.”

The woman just nods and swipes her card. Beth opens the door, propping it with her foot.

“Uh- Gracias!” Alison adds, but the woman is already half way to the next dorm and doesn’t bother turning around. “That was very impressive Beth. I had no idea you spoke such wonderful Spanish!”

“Yeah- it wasn’t that great. I studied it in high school and I’m taking a class for my requirement now, but it’s not great.”

“Well way better than what _I_ could come up with, that’s for sure!” She smiles. “What did she say back to you? Did she yell at you?”

If Alison didn’t know better, she’d say Beth was blushing again. “Yeah, don’t worry about it…She was just giving me a hard time…” Beth looks down and shuffles a bit. “Hey, thanks again for staying with me. You really didn’t have to.”

“Yeah, I know. I wanted to.” Across from her, Beth opens her mouth to say something, but closes it again quickly. She looks slightly uncomfortable so Alison starts again, joking, “I mean, it isn’t exactly what I had in mind when suggested we hang out on Sunday, but I guess it’ll have to do.” She smiles

Beth chuckles. “Yeah, I'm sure watching me drool on you in the wee hours of the morning was NOT what you had in mind. And last night... not one of my more stellar performances either, to be sure. I hope I wasn’t too weird…”

“No. Not at all," Alison says and both girls stand still, unsure exactly how to proceed. “Hey, I should let you sleep. See you tomorrow?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you tomorrow Ali.” The taller girl moves inside, the door shutting heavily behind her.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth’s headache is, in a word, ridiculous.

She had only gotten an hour or two of sleep before she woke up, her stomach queasy, nauesa bitting at her. _God, I feel like such a lightweight...I used to drink double that in high school and run a 5k the next morning no problem... not that's anything to brag about…_

Beth’s musings are interrupted by the sound of her door opening. Beth barely has a moment to wonder how this is possible when she _definitely_ locked it the night before, when a familiar British accent cracks the air.

“Hey Childs, thought you might be a bit under the weather. Brought you a bit of a pick me up…”

Beth props herself up on elbows to see Sarah Manning, in her room, holding two to-go coffee cups in her hands. She sits up fully, swinging her legs over the side of the bed and taking the coffee offered in Sarah’s outstretched hand.

“Well,” Beth starts, taking a sip. “It's the least you could do since you stole my fucking dorm key card from me at the diner last night….”

Sarah grins and sits backwards on Beth’s chair, resting her forearms on the backrest. “Ooo, look at you. A regular Sherlock Holmes…”

“Pfffft, please. I didn’t have to be a detective to figure this one out. Especially with your _criminal element_ taken into account...”

“Hey- I was trying to use my _criminal element_ to help you with Pinky, doesn't that count for something good?  Speaking of which, how’d it go? I must say, I was hopin’ to find you were at _her_ dorm this morning but whatever…”

“ _How’d it go_? I made an _ass_ out of myself- that’s how it went! I keep remembering more things, the stupid things I said… oh and then I held her hand- UGH!” Beth rakes her hands down her face. “And she just _LET_ me. Said it was ‘ _nice’!_ God, I was so wasted she felt like she had to take pity on me. I’m just glad I didn’t vomit on her. Actually, no, maybe I _should_ have vomited on her. That would have capped off the evening nicely…”

“That’s…unbelievable…” Sarah mumbles.

“I know right? I-“

“-It’s _unbelievable_ that I gave you one of my BEST moves- the ‘I forgot my key card’ and all you got out of it was some fucking _hand-holding_???? And ‘ere I thought you had some game Childs….” She leans back against the corner of the desk behind her, taking another sip from her coffee. “Did she really jus’ leave you alone, in front of your dorm? ‘Cause that’s cold.”

“No. She stayed outside with me until I got in this morning…” In front of her, Sarah began grinning again. “What? That means _nothing_...”

“Look,” Sarah sighs, leaning forward again. “I don’t know what your problem is or why you don’t see this, but it seems so _clear_ that this girl likes you. And ever since she appeared, you seem like 5 billion times happier than I’ve seen you in like forever- so it’s pretty clear you like her too. I don’t know if you’re like a masochist or what, but the problem is most definitely not her. It’s you.”

Sarah finishes her coffee, tossing the cup with flurish into the wastebasket beside her. “I love ya Childs, but get your shit together for Christ’s sake, ya?”

Sarah stands and moves towards the door, placing Beth’s key card on her desk as she goes. “Oh and check your email- Coach S sent us out something about a big scrimmage next weekend. It’s with those wankers at St. Augustine so I’m sure she’s going to kill us at practice tomorrow. Get some rest.” Sarah exits the room before Beth can say anything further.

Beth sets her coffee down on the floor next to the bed and stares into space, trying to absorb Sarah’s words. _Maybe she’s right. Maybe I really am the problem_. Beth doesn’t have long to consider this though, before there’s a rather unpleasant roll in her stomach. She makes a mad dash towards the bathroom down the hall. As little as her roommate Jennifer is around, Beth is pretty sure she’s not going to want to come back to find Beth’s vomit on her bedspread.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison had flopped directly into bed, shoes and all when she got in that morning. For the first time ever she was too tired to complete her usual night time routine. So she was more than a little disoriented when she awoke, fully clothed, to the smell of pizza. She opened her eyes slowly, and saw that yes- she was not imagining things- her roommate did indeed have a fresh and hot pizza, in box, splayed out on her desk.

“Well good morning!” Cosima said, chipper as ever. “Or should I say good _afternoon_?”

“Cos…?” Alison sits up, rubbing her eyes.

“I took the liberty of ordering us something to eat. Pizza is nature’s most perfect food and also happens to be one of my favorite hangover cures…”

“I’m sure you’ll hardly believe it, but I didn’t even have anything to drink…”

Cosima takes large bite. “Well,” she says, “That makes one of us. But lucky for you, pizza is also an excellent meal to share a conversation over. And judging by the…” she scrolls through her phone beside her, “-14 texts I got, I’d say you were looking to talk…”

Alison flops back dramatically on her bed. “I have no idea where to begin…”

“Pizza.” Cosmia says. “Begin by eating some pizza. Then we’ll talk.”

 

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My Spanish skills are quite rusty so all translations are curtesy of Google Translate. I made Beth's Spanish purposefully bad too. Lo Siento.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So trigger warnings for this chapter for brief mentions of drug/alcohol use and abuse and some self-harm behaviors.
> 
> Also, apologies, this chapter is wicked long. I didn't intend for it to be this long... there just didn't seem to be a good spot to cut it...

After antics ranging from jumping up and down her bed, to burying herself in the covers, to staring into space and mumbling, Alison finally has her story out. Cosima had been the perfect listener- quiet, attentive and offering nothing more than encouraging and affirming “mmhm”s as Alison fought her way through all the facts and feelings between her and Beth. Now that she’s done though, she’s eager to hear Cosima’s response.

Cosima takes a drag from her joint, slowly exhaling out the open window. Alison realizes she didn't even notice Cosima rolling or lighting it in the first place. “So… what do you think?”

"Wow," the dread-haired girl says finally. "You got it bad dude..."

"So it would seem," Alison sighs from her spot on her bed. "What do I do now?"

"Well, I mean, you _TELL HER_ , right? Or better yet, just make a move. I mean, from everything you said I think this chick totally digs you..."

"I don't know that for sure though. She's just so hard to read. I mean, it's weird, with a woman. How do you tell if something is flirting or just friendly joking around?"

"Dude, the girl held your hand. Isn't that like second base in Mayberry or wherever you're from?" She snickers, taking another long hit and exhaling through her nose.

"Hey! My life has NOT been like The Andy Griffith Show- _thankyouverymuch_. Have a little understanding, this all so new..."

"Okay, yeah, you’re right. Well, welcome to the trip man."

"Indeed…” Alison sighs. She’s not sure if she’s more drained or relieved finally telling someone what she’s been going through. She does know she’s had enough of the topic for one day, so she’s happy to redirect. “Hey, on the note of love-lives, how is it going with Delphine?"

"Good. She's actually coming by in..." Cosima looks at her watch. "Holy shit- in like 5 minutes. UGH!" She stamps out the joint, hopping up from the bed and moving to her dresser. Cosima is only rifling through her clothes for a minute though before there's a knock on the door accompanied by and a high and sweet, "Cosima? 'Allo?"

"Shit," Cosmia mumbles before moving to the door and opening it. "Delphine! Hey! I'm uh, running a little late..."

Delphine looks appraisingly at Cosima's pajama outfit. "I see. Well the movie is in just a little bit so..."

"No, no, I got this. Lemmie just throw something on. Come in, come in. Oh, this is Alison again, my roommate. You guys chat, lemmie just..." Cosima's hands move a mile a minute, ending with a gesture to the overflowing open drawer of clothes.

"So Delphine, what movie are you seeing?" Alison chimes, happy to help her roommate buy some time.

"It is a French film, 'Deux jours, une nuit'. It is new, and looks interesting. I’m looking forward to it too because sometimes I just miss hearing my native language..."

"Je comprends. Le français est une belle langue..." As Alison speaks, she sees Cosima's head whip up from the drawer she is digging in. She looks confused and almost angry.

"Vous parlez français? Your accent is very good," Delphine asks, smiling brightly.

"Oui, j'ai grandi dans une petite ville où presque tout le monde parlait français. Certaines personnes ne parlaient que français, j'ai donc dû apprendre.” Alison is excited- she rarely gets to speak French outside of her current class. Having grown up around the language, she can understand how Delphine misses it. Speaking it again is like reconnecting with an old friend.

"Très impressionnant. Now if only we could get Cosima to speak it, then we would be, eh, golden."

"Yeah, I had no idea you could speak so fluently..." Cosima deadpans. Again, Alison is confused as to why Cosima's affect has turned so cold. Cosima turns back to Delphine, all smiles though, "Ready!- Oh wait, I have one more thing. Why don't you head down to the entrance and I'll meet you in just a sec?"

"Okay. Salut Alison!"

"Bye Delphine!" Alison smiles. The door has barely closed behind the blonde before Cosima is in Alison's face, shaking her shoulders.

"HOW COULD YOU NOT TELL ME YOU SPOKE FRENCH??? ACK!" Cosima lets go and starts pacing.

"I don't know, it didn't come up?"

"DUDE- you have to tutor me. For real. Did you see how excited she was? Also, she tends to dissolve into French when she's, uh, flustered. It'd help EMENSLEY if I had some idea what she was saying..." Cosima stops pacing and grabs her sweater and wallet, starts making her way towards the door.

"Yeah, I'd be happy to help..." Alison sighs, relieved Cosima's not mad at her.

"You are amazing, and awesome and I'll owe you huge and I'll see you later- Bye!" She scoots out, closing the door behind her. The room feels extra quiet, like a vacuum of noise after the twirling tornado of Cosima blows out. Too quiet.

Alison has had enough quiet contemplation for one day- for one life time, really. She opens her laptop, and clicks on Pandora. She's about to select her usual "Best of Broadway" station but something stops her. She smiles quietly and types "Best of Motown" into the search, before settling down with her English text book.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

“Ladies! Ladies! Listen up!” Coach S calls the rowers to attention after practice. It was Monday and the workout today had been drastically different- lots of sprint work, lots of emphasis on rowing at “100%”. Everyone was exhausted “Excellent work today! Now I assume you all got my email? The fall Head race isn’t for a few more weeks, so I set up a little pre-regatta scrimmage race with our rivals at St. Augustine College-

“- Let’s kick their arses!!!” Sarah roars- inciting whoops and cheers from the rest of the team.

“Yes, yes,” S says, making motions for everyone to calm down. “Well after the regatta last May, I think we have a lot of work to do. I want to beat them as much as you do so I’ll be emailing out extra land work outs for this week… if she- I mean _they_ \- think that they can just walk through us for an easy win, they have another thing coming. Thank you girls, that will be all. Oh- Hold up you two...”

Coach S points out to Alison and Beth to stay as the rest of the group disperses. “Beth, I need you to spend some time briefing Alison on racing. All the rules, regulations, any possible way we could be disqualified basically. I want to leave absolutely no room for any kind of technicality getting in the way of our victory…”

“I thought this was just a scrimmage…” Alison offers, her nervousness growing exponentially by the minute.

“It is, it is…” Coach S seems hesitant to elaborate. “I just want to make sure we leave no doubt we earn the victories we take. They would love any opportunity to deny us…” She turns back to Beth, “Tell her about how we do our racing starts and any strategies too, will ya love? Thanks. See you tomorrow girls.” Without another word, she turns and heads towards the parking lot.

Alison and Beth collect their stuff and head that way as well. After the weekend it seemed like an unspoken thing that they drive to breakfast together.

“So… Coach S is taking this scrimmage thing very seriously it seems…”

“Ha, yeah. St. Augustine are our big rowing rivals. Our school’s only beaten them a handful of times, so I’m looking forward to trying to decimate them as well. However... Coach S’s vendetta might be a bit more personal…”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, DeAngelis- the old captain- she told me that Coach S and St. Augustine’s coach, Ms. Bowles, were on the same crew team in college but had some sort of falling out. Hence the animosity."

Both girls pause to hop into Beth’s car, buckling up before continuing.

“What do you think happened between them?” Alison asks as they pull out of the parking lot.

“Well, DeAngelis theorized that maybe it was over a guy- that maybe they were both into the same guy, or someone cheated on him with the other- whatever. *I * on the other hand, have a theory that _they_ might have been together and just broken up.” She waggles her eyebrows at Alison, as if to suggest scandal.

“Really? What makes you think that?” Nothing had given her the impression Coach S might be gay. Though she hadn’t really thought about it. At all really.

“Oh, nothing in particular, just that Crew is a rather incestuous sport in that everyone seems to date or sleep with everyone else on the team. It happens when you spend that much time with people. It’s kinda like Stockholm syndrome… we’re all always together, always in some sort of crisis pushing ourselves to the physical limit- people just end up bonding and hooking up.”

“Like who…”

“Oh, interested in the gossip? Ms. Hendrix, I am appalled. ” Beth feigns being shocked.

“Weren’t you the one that said I should get to know my team better?” Alison smiles, quirking an eyebrow back in challenge.

“Okay. But obviously this all stays between us, right?”

“I swear!” Alison says it a bit too emphatically. She’s a very good secret keeper.

“Okay… let’s see…” Beth grins and Alison can tell she was dying to share the juicy info. “Well you didn’t know her but when DeAngelis was here, she slept with half the old Men’s team. Including Art. Just once though! I think it was just a bad, post party hook up. He didn’t even tell me about it until way later. Said she was super crazy the day after so he made sure to nip that in the bud. Let’s see who else…” She scratches her head, and Alison pauses to appreciate how cute Beth Child’s ‘thinking’ face is. “Well, Jesse dated this girl- god I forgot her name- but she was coxswain for like half a second last fall. Really tiny timid thing. Currently though, I’m pretty sure he and Helena are headed towards something…”

“Really? Helena? I'm not sure I can picture her...”

“What? Not devouring her mate's head like a praying mantis? Naw- I know she can come off as a bit wild seeming but strangely she's actually the _nicer_ of the two sisters in a lot of ways. Funny, right? But yeah, I think that’s where it’s going between those two…” Beth taps the steering wheel thoughtfully. “What else? So many examples. Donnie tried flirting with Rachel like the first week she arrived- although she sent him packing pretty quick. I also have a theory that Stubbs has a crush on Ramon. She's always going out of her way to talk to him, or complement him on different things. I think knowing Ramon you can see how that might not work out for her,” she chuckles.

“And then, of course, there's Paul. Everyone has a thing for Paul,” she rolls her eyes. “If you ever want to see something funny, check out Katija when he’s around. Sunglasses or not, it's so obvious that girl is blatently staring at him. I'm surprised her eyes haven't bored holes in his spandex..."

“Well what about you?”

“What about me?”

“What about you and Paul? Ramon had mentioned…” The way Beth stiffens at the mention of this causes he words die on Alison’s lips, realizing this is probably not a good subject to bring up.

“Ramon mentioned _what_?”

“Um…” Alison hesitated. Beth’s words were nonchalant, but it was clear from her cool tone that she felt anything but. Alison debated making something up but opts for the truth instead. “He just said there was some rumor about you and Paul. He didn’t say what though, I swear. I’m sorry I mentioned it…”

Beth sighs. “No, no, don’t be sorry… it was… it was just a misunderstanding between us and he got… frustrated and said some things to some people that he shouldn’t have. I wasn’t exactly blameless either but…yeah. It doesn’t matter. “ She smiles weakly at Alison before changing the subject. “Anyway, I have happen to have heard that Paul may now be seeing a certain blonde, 7 Seat rower on the DL…”

“NO!” Alison gasps incredulously.

“ _Yes_. Janis said she overheard a snippet of the end of Rachel’s cellphone conversation the other day. Said she heard- and I quote- ‘ _Paul, your absence is inconvenient’_ and then something about being annoyed at him for not answering her calls.”

“Wow.” Alison shakes her head in amazement as they pull up and park in front of the cafeteria building. “Rachel dating…that’s… disturbing….”

“Totally. Unlike Helena, I’m not really sure if I’ve ever seen Rachel's _good_ side. Makes me feel almost bad for Paul. Except not. Not at all.” Beth smirks, taking the key out. “Though it does make you wonder who else is sleeping together that no one knows about…” Beth winks at Alison before hopping out of the car towards breakfast.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

The rest of the week felt jammed packed. Every waking moment she wasn’t in class, or actively doing homework, Beth was training. She justified it with the upcoming race, but really she just wasn’t sure what to do with herself. She just wanted to keep moving.

“What’d S hand down to you guys for extra work outs?” Art asks as he spots her. Beth finishes up her final set of bench presses and re-racks the bar.

“Ugh- She gave us a list of stuff to do at the gym each night…all the usual, just… a lot _more_ than usual.”

“How many sets?” He steps back, as she stands up.

She wipes off her face with her sweat towel. “Basically as many as we can. Or to quote the email ‘until failure’.”

“Ouch.”

“Yeah, seriously. _Who phrases something like that?_ ”

"I have no idea. Coach Carlton gave us circuits and a 3 mile run every day..."

"The run part will be a breeze for you," Beth sighs. The two move over to the leg press machine, resetting the weights. Art hops on, starting his first set. “So,” he begins. “You and Alison…”

“Don’t start.”

“Hey, out of the two of us it seems like you’re the one that’s _not starting_ …”

“First fucking Sarah, and now you? Are you really going to push this?”

Art finishes the set, lowering the weights and stepping out of the way for Beth's turn. He shrugs. “I think it could be good for you, that’s all…”

“Why.“ she begins, griting words through her reps, “Does everyone. Think. They know. What’s best- UGH!” She lets it down slowly, pausing, staying sitting.

“I don’t know about _everyone else_ , but I feel like we’ve known each other long enough for me to have an idea of when you’re doing _well_ , and when you’re struggling…”

“Art,” She sighs, closing her eyes for a moment. “I haven’t _done anything_ in like…a long while…”

“Beth, doing well isn’t just the absence of issue. It’s the pursuit of good.”

“Thank you, Obi Wan…”

“I’m serious. You worked hard to stop that other stuff. And I know it hasn’t been easy to leave it behind- the pills, the cutting, and-“

“ _ART_ \- just drop it…”

“ _No_. Listen. It’s amazing that you could come out in one piece from that. But at some point life has to be _more_ than just keeping yourself in one piece. Life is not just about surviving, it’s _thriving_. THAT is why ‘everyone’ as you say, is on you. We just want to see you _thrive_ …”

Beth gets up, giving way for Art’s second set. “You know, just because you’re studying to be a psychologist or whatever doesn’t give you license to pick me apart every chance you get…”

“I’m not _picking you apart,_ I’m just trying to give you my reasons for being concerned…”

“Fine, fine. Dually noted. But I mean, what about you? You’re not dating anyone. If that’s the measure of _thriving_ and good mental health where does that leave you?”

Art finishes lifting. He stands up, leans one arm on the machine and faces Beth. “Look, I didn’t mean that dating equals good mental health. Of course it doesn't. I was just saying that being open to it- open to the idea that someone else could genuinely care about you, open to letting yourself care about someone else...Ugh, Childs…” He pauses looking for the right words. “I’m just saying that pushing outside of your comfort zone- population one- might do you some good.”

“Okay. I get it, _god_ …” She looks at Art, a small smile forming. “Is this the point we’re supposed to like hug it out? Because Arthur, that’s not really my thing…”

“Hugging? Naw, I was going to just give you my hourly bill…-Ow!” He rubs his arm where Beth punches it.

“You asshole,” she joke, smiling.

“Hey guys!” A chipper and familiar voice comes from behind her.

Beth turns and sees Alison behind her, her pink gym bag (of course) slung over the should of her matching her pink work out shirt. “Hey Ali. Are you here to work out?”

“I just finished actually. I like to use the treadmills in the other room. You two look like you’ve been working out hard…”

Beth appraises her own appearance. Unlike Alison whom seems to have taken the dated adage _‘girls don’t sweat, they glisten’_ to heart, Beth is drenched from head to toe and looks like utter crap.

“Yeah, well…” she chuckles awkwardly. “Yeah.”

“So, what are you guys up to now?”

Beth goes to answer, but Art jumps in first. “You know, I’m bushed. Think I’m just going ot head out now. I’ll see you guys tomorrow for de-rigging.” Beth tries to give him a look as to say ‘don’t you dare ditch me’, but he promptly ignores it. Instead, Art just smiles, grabs his sweat towel, and heads towards the men’s locker room.

“See you!” Alison says in his direction before turning back to Beth. “De-rigging?”

“Oh, uh, in order to get the boats to the race, we have to take off all the riggers and strap them onto the trailer. We usually do it the morning of the day before, instead of a water workout, so coach is able to drive the stuff over that night. Make sure it’s ready for us.”

“And then the morning of the race, we put it all together again?”

“That’s the plan…”

“Got it…” she nods and is looking at Beth like she’s expecting something. Beth has no idea what that could be unfortunately, so she ends up staring so long Alison just continues. “So, I’m going to get something to eat. I was wondering if you had some time- that is if you’re not too tired- to go over the rules and stuff for the race? You know, all that stuff S was talking about the other day?”

“Oh. Yeah. Lemmie just, uh, get my stuff. Hang on…” Beth jogs into the locker room and grabs her stuff. She stops at the sink, appraising her reflection briefly.

_Bright red face, sweat soaked shirt, frizzy hair. Yeah, I’m a regular catch. Shit._

With nothing that could be done, she heads back out to Alison. “Okay, ready. Sorry I look like crap…”

“You never look like crap,” Alison smiles. It’s so warm and genuine, Beth almost believes her. “I’m starving so let's definitely  get something to eat. Is there anything in particular you’re in the mood for?”

Beth has about a million thoughts at once. Her first thought is that if this were a cheesy blockbuster movie, she would clearly respond with something ridiculous like “Yeah- YOU” and they’d make out right here in the gym and everything would be hunky-dory. Since this is NOT a cheesy movie though, that won’t be happening. If they go to the cafeteria, they’ll be there 40 minutes tops and then Beth can sulk back to her room in record time. She nixes this idea as well though. _Don’t prove Art right. Venture out- be brave._ After much debate, Beth finally speaks. “You know, if you want a real treat I’ll show you my favorite restaurant…”

“Oh, I don’t think I’m dressed for a restaurant…”

“Trust me, we’ll be fine. It’s just down the road, follow me.”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

“This is your favorite restaurant?”

Alison and Beth walk away from the small food truck, fresh gyros in hand.

“Told you we weren’t underdressed.” Beth smirks before diving in and taking the largest bite Alison had ever seen.

Alison tries hers as well, and is pleasantly surprised. It’s warm, savory, with just a hint of spice- all mellowed out by the apparently homemade Tzatziki sauce. “You’re right, this is good…”

“Mmmghgh. Soff Gooo!” She swallows and adds, “And you can’t beat the ambiance.” They amble along the sidewalk, their path around the park lit by streetlamps and the moonlight from above.

Their walk over had been a short one, but still long enough for Beth to breeze through most of the things she’d need to know for the race. Beth had summed it up with “Basically, just stay in your lane, don’t swear into the mic, and don’t start ‘til they say go. Oh, and don’t let S get you nervous- she can get a bit crazy at times.”

“So,” Alison offers. “I was over at Ramon’s the other night, and he mentioned there’s some big party in the evening, after the race?”

Alison decides not to mention how the topic came up. She had spent an evening having dinner over Ramon’s that consisted largely of he and Felix discussing her love life, or lack thereof, in front of her. They had grilled her if there was anyone of interest at her work- _“Ew! Are you kidding? The only guy I work with is Jim and he’s like 40 and…is Jim!”_ and her classes, and finally the team.

 _“So there’s really no one? No one you have your eye on?”_ Felix had purred into her ear.

Alison wasn’t exactly sure why, but she just couldn’t tell them about Beth. Not yet.

 _“I don’t know, not really?”_ she said.

 _“Well, maybe you just need to get to know them. The party is perfect for that! A lot of our team has, heh, **gotten to know each other** better at our parties…_ ”

The only person Alison has any interest in getting to know- is Beth. Not that she’s necessarily planning anything, certainly not something impulsive or under the influence.

Still…

Alison realizes Beth is talking, and it brings her back to the present. “Sorry what? I was distracted by how delicious this food is!” she apologizes.

“Oh. Well I was just saying that yeah, we usually have a party after races. And weekends we don’t race too, but the post-race ones are usually the craziest. That’s where most of those embarrassing hook ups I told you about, happen.” Beth tosses her wrapper away in a garbage can they pass. “Why all the interest? Is there…um… anyone you are hoping to… _see_ at this party?”

Alison’s heart practically stops. _Yes_ , she thinks. _You_. But before she can answer, Beth starts mumbling through, rather awkwardly.

“I mean, uh, I’m just saying that, well I’d understand because... well, I mean I bet guys were just _lining up_ to date you high school is all… Yeah.” Beth runs her hand through her hair, and looks like she genuinely wants to just disappear.

 _Wow…maybe she does like me…_ “Well, no not really,” Alison begins. “I mean, I was never much for dating in high school. I was always busy, you know? My friend Ainsley always tried to hook me up with her boyfriend's friends but... Well, I never really met anyone I was drawn to enough to distract me from the things I was doing. I had a lot. Theater, work, studying... I know that must sound weird, because high school is supposed to be all dating and stuff, but I just…” she shrugs. “What about you? I’m sure high school was a breeze for an athlete like you, instead of a drama geek like me…”

“Yeah high school was…” Beth hesitates, biting her lip. Alison sees her brow furrowed, like she’s debating. In the end, the rower sighs heavily. “You know what, fuck it. I’ll tell you. What was High School like for me? High school was terrible, Ali. It was just… awful.”

“What happened?” Alison asks quietly, almost afraid if she’s any louder she’ll scare Beth away. They pause their walk under the streetlamp. It casts long shadows on the ground.

“Too much. I mean, my parents divorced, for one. And my mom literally told me it was my fault. Said having a kid had gotten in the way of her career and tied her to my dad ‘for too long’ and how I was old enough that ‘staying together for the kids’ wasn’t a reason any more. She’s lawyer, my dad is a cop- that’s how they met…” Beth sighs and Alison doesn’t do so much as breath. She gives Beth room to talk, and know that she’s listening, and it works. Beth keeps talking.

“Anyway, dad and I had to move from the city to the middle of nowhere because that’s all we could afford. So I had to change schools, and didn’t have any friends and long story short everything sucked and I made a lot of bad choices. Like drugs and… various other self-destructive things. I was a fucking mess basically, and after one too many inebriated escapades my dad forced me into therapy and told me I better find something to involve myself in after school too. So I started doing Track and Field and I met Art. And everything started to get a little less dreary then.” She smiles weakly.

“That’s wonderful…” She squeezes Beth’s arm reassuringly. “And Art sounds like… a great guy. I’m glad you guys are together…”

“Yeah…Wait no! We’re not, _together-together_. No. Just, uh, no.”

“Oh. You guys never dated?”

“No, I’m- well, no.”

“Good…” Then realizing how that sounds, she quickly adds, “I mean, I’m glad you have him as a friend though. I’m happy you’re okay.”

"Yeah, it just got, dark there for a while. And sure, I'm fine enough now but I'm never really fully comfortable that all that shit won't come back, you know?" Beth takes a shaky breath, blowing it out slowly. She presses her eyes closed for a second before opening them again, composing herself. "Sorry. I, uh, well, that's not a story I exactly have a lot of practice telling." Beth runs a hand through her hair again, shuffling a bit. "Hope I'm not too intense or whatever. I don't usually tell people all that stuff- pretty sure if someone told me all that I'd want to run screaming in the other direction. Not exactly bringing on the fun..."

"Hey," Alison says, moving to stand in front of Beth. "In high school and even last year, I didn't make time for people. I thought it wasn't important. I never even really thought about it to be honest. And now... well, let's just say that since I joined this team, since meeting you... spending time on people and with people, just enjoying their company... it finally makes sense. Spending time like this, with people I care about, makes me happy."

Beth smirks, and Alison doesn't believe it for a second. "Except people who keep you out 'til 4am with their drunken antics, right?" Beth jokes, pointing to herself.

" _Especially_ people who keep me out 'til 4am..." Alison answers with all the seriousness she can muster.

" _Pffft_...Yeah. Sure." she scoffs.

Despite the slight height difference, in that moment Beth looks small to Alison. Now she can see past those cocky smirks and quick quips. She can see past that façade of bravado and she thinks she's finally seeing Beth. Actual Beth. And it is intense, but not in a bad way. Not in a bad way at all. It's beautiful actually. And it draws her in.

Alison hesitantly steps into Beth's space. She inclines her head slightly so she can look in the taller girl's eyes. Beth looks...Well, Beth looks like she might shatter into a million pieces. Beth looks like Alison feels, most of the time; Like she has no idea what to do. Except right now. Right now, Alison knows exactly what to do.

She wraps her arms around Beth, pulling the rower to her body. Beth tenses up and her arms levitate out from her sides, unsure of what to do, like a strange, vertical dead-man's float. Alison ignores this. Instead, she simply lays her cheek against Beth's shoulder and holds her. She holds her until she feels Beth's muscles finally relax. She holds her until Beth wraps her arms firmly around Alison as well. _She just holds her._ She holds her until she's sure all that blackness has faded into the night and holds her past that as well. All of the rest fades into the background and it's just the two of them, under a street lamp, breathing each other in.

Eventually, after lifetimes, after Alison is finally satisfied that Beth gets it, she pulls away. She steps back just far enough that she can see Beth's eyes again.

"I don't lie, Beth. So believe me. Believe when I say that you... you make me happy."

Beth looks off to the side for a moment, and bites her cheek. She takes a small breath before looking back at Alison. "You make me happy too, Ali."

This time it's small, but it’s a smile Alison believes.

"Hey," Beth starts. "We have to be up in like 4 or 5 hours. Maybe we get some sleep and reconvene then? I can pick you up in front of your dorm?"

"Sure, that sounds great."

"Cool. Awesome. I'll see you then. Uh..." Beth looks down again for a second. Alison's about to say something more, when the other girl strikes.

Beth moves fast. So fast Alison barely registers what happens. The rower ducks in, lightning quick, and plants a peck of a kiss on her cheek before leaping away again. Alison's mouth is still agape as Beth flashes her a guilty grin before chirping "Thanks for tonight. You're a really good...friend." And then, she's gone. Bounding away with long, runner's strides.

Alison brings her hand up to her cheek, the ghost of Beth's lips fading fast.

She doesn't care who's around, or if anyone sees. Alison Hendrix jumps. A few times. She does a little pirouette. She throws her arms over her head and hisses an excited "Yesssssssssss!" into the night air. Alison doesn't care if she looks insane, because it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter, because the girl she likes- yes, the _girl_ she likes- seems to like her back. No matter what Beth's words say, she seems to like Alison back.

And if that's not cause for celebration, she's not sure what is.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just like the last chapter- all the French is courtesy of Google Translate.


	10. Chapter 10

Beth kept moving, but it wasn’t the kind of moving that she liked. Beth liked to keep moving so she could keep pushing forward, to greet the next thing. Currently, she’s just treading water until she can get the space to process everything from the night before.

The four hours she lay awake between last night and this morning’s practice were absolutely not enough.

De-rigging the boats and packing everything in the trailer kept her moving. Every time Alison- or anyone else for that matter – approached her, she could look busy and direct them to another task (there’s always another task on these kinds of mornings) and she’d be alone again. Usually her no-nonsense tone was enough to drive anyone away. With one exception, of course.

“You look like shite Childs. Here.”

Beth looks at Sarah standing below on the ground, holding a bin full of boat seats. Beth grabs the bin and sets it beside her in the trailer as she continues strapping the boat to the rack. “Well, I didn’t sleep last night. Like at all.”

“ReeeeeEEEEEeeally…” Sarah drawls, leaning on the edge near Beth’s feet. “ _Please_ tell me it was our lovely coxswain that kept you up…”

“As a matter of fact yes, but not in the way you’re thinking…” Beth pauses, hoping that Sarah will drop it an walk away. Instead, she hops up on the trailer next to Beth, and grabs another strap, working on the other boat below.

"Go on..." Sarah oozes.

Beth shrugs. She does not want to _go on_. She would rather just _go_. Go back to her room, and go over everything for the millionth time- parsing it all out- everything that was said, everything that transpired.

 _She hugged me and then said I made her happy_.

It seemed pretty straightforward... _But what if it was just a_ _'you just told me some really messed up shit about yourself and I want to make you feel better'_ _kind of consoling thing? Friggin’ mixed signals…_

_Of course then I went and kissed her on the cheek, but told her she was a good 'friend'…_

_So what does it all add up to?_

"Hello? Earth to Beth? I said _'go on'_?"

"Nothing. Just more... just more nothing." Beth sighs. There are limits to her sharing, and Sarah is definitely testing them. Luckily, their private conversation is interrupted, with several team members arriving at the trailer with various things to load, including Alison with a bucket of spare bungees.

"Fine, but you're not off the hook that easy Childs..." Sarah grumbles.

Janis and Helena arrive at the trailer as well, carrying the bundle of women’s team oars. “Hey, meathead," Sarah starts at her sister. "Did you goons make sure you had all 8? ‘Cause I’m sure as hell not rowin' Port-side if someone forgets my oar.”

Janis responds with a creative grouping of obscenities that Beth wasn't entirely sure she'd ever heard combined that way before, while Helena just sighs and replies with, “Do not call me this- And yes, there are four of each,” before moving on to load them in.

“How do you choose which side you row?” Alison asks, looking happy to interject herself since Beth has made sure up to this point today, to stop just that.

“Usually a first year the coach just plugs you in on one side or the other where needed. Unless you screw up really badly, that’s just what side you’re on and you end up cultivating your skills on that side,” Beth explains.

Sarah, seizing the opportunity to make things more awkward, hops down from the trailer and swings an arm over Alison's shoulder, causing the coxswain to look fairly confused and uncomfortable. Satisfied with that reaction, she continues on. “The key word Pinky, is _usually_. Our dear Captain fails to mention the small contingency of rare rowers of which she herself is a part of…”

“Oh?” Alison says, still slightly squirming under the rower's arm.

“Yes, Beth here is what we in the rowing community refer to as _Bisweptual_.” Sarah shoots Beth a smug look so there's no mistaking this is meant as payback for not being forthcoming with the gossip she wanted earlier.

Beth rolls her eyes. “ _Meaning_ , I can row either side in sweep style rowing, like we do.”

“Ah, but you seem to have a preference for one side over another, yeah?” She purrs, as Alison finally dips out from under Sarah's arm.

Beth sighs heavily. _So childish Sarah_. “Yes, I favor port. So that’s why I row port now.”

Sarah huffs. "You know Childs, sometimes you are no fun at all..." As Sarah wanders away Beth hears her shout _"Hey Stubbs-where ‘re those boat slings?!?!”_ -clearly looking for someone new to annoy.

Beth climbs down off the trailer, wordlessly taking the bucket from Alison and stowing it away behind her.

Alison steps next to Beth, leaning in to whisper- close enough the Beth catches a faint wiff of her shampoo, making her heart race. “She’s in rare form this morning…” Alison smiles.

“Yeah…” Beth breaths, moving to pick up a few more buckets nearby- just an excuse to put some room between the two of them. “Girl needs to get laid,” Beth mumbles, staring off in the punk’s direction.

“What?”

Beth shakes her head, returning her attention to Alison. “Sorry. But yeah, Sarah gets like this- up in everyone’s business and pushing until she gets a reaction- whenever she doesn’t have enough of her own _stuff_ to occupy her… I don’t suppose you know anyone to set her up with?”

Alison shrugs as they stow the last remaining items inside. “I barely know anyone outside of this team. That’s kinda why I joined- to meet new people, make new _friends_ and all.”

 _Friends_. As Beth looks at Alison and remembers the previous night. The petite girl’s arms wrapped around her, their bodies pressed together so tight Alison’s heartbeat reverberated through them both. She remembers the feel of Alison’s breath ghosting on her neck, and when Alison finally pulled back those few inches, saying how happy Beth made her, it had taken every single fiber in Beth’s being to not close that distance, capture Alison’s lips with her own...

 _Friends?_ _That_ was becoming harder by the minute. Nearly impossible now. Even as they’re walking back towards Beth’s car, having finished the last of the tasks for the day, Beth’s skin prickles at the proximity to Alison. _Best focus on something else_ , she thinks, and jumps back to the conversation at hand. “Well keep an eye out…”

“What’s her type- Sarah’s I mean,” Alison asks.

“For a hook up? She doesn’t seem to discriminate much, but for a relationship?.... I don’t know actually… Sarah’s kind of an enigma.”

“She’s not the only one” Alison says. “You’re a bit of a mystery yourself…”

“Me?” Beth chuckles as they climb in her car. "I feel like you know more about me last night than most people who've known me for years do..."

Alison blushes. "That's true. But I mean... I don't know. You know, stupid day to tday stuff- like don’t know even know your major.”

“Well that makes two of us… I haven’t picked one yet. I guess… I don’t know, It just seems a bit unrealistic to be 19 years old and _know_ and have to pick exactly what you want to do with the rest of your life….” Beth trails off because, from the way that Alison bites her lip, she has a hunch that the girl with the bangs feels differently. “Ooooor maybe that’s just me.”

“No! I’m sure a lot of people feel that way! I never really thought about it because I’ve kind of had my heart set on one thing for a long time now.”

“Oh, and what’s that?” Beth asks as they pull out of the parking lot.

“You’re going to think it’s silly.”

Beth glances to the side, catching the coxswain’s slight blush, “No I’m not. Trust me.”

Alison sighs. “Kinesiology.”

“Oh.”

“ _See!-_ you think it’s stupid.”

“I didn’t say that- I’m just _impressed_ that you even knew what that was for ‘ _so long_.’ I don’t think I could even _pronounce_ that in high school or before. It’s impressive is all…” Beth smiles, and after another glance to the passenger seat, Alison looks slightly less embarrassed.

“Well, I always knew I wanted to help people. I thought about being a doctor, but then I learned about this and… it just sounded right, you know?”

“Yeah, that’s… it’s cool. To _know_ …”

“Well maybe you’re thinking too big. Just think about what you enjoy- start with your classes. Do you have any classes you like?”

Beth feels the ball of stress that has been resting in her stomach all morning, begin to gather. _I can barely plan the rest of my day, let alone rest of my life…_ “Well...”

 _ Are _ _there any classes I like?_

“I like my philosophy class.” She settles on one finally. “It’s interesting and I like looking at the world from different perspectives. But I know I _definitely_ don’t want to have a career to do with that. I mean it’s fine to read things and discuss them, to think about them, but I know I don’t want to be just sitting around and _supposing_ for the rest of my life.”

They pull up to the parking lot, and climb out of the car. “Well, that’s a start,” Alison nods. “Just figuring out what you like is a good place to start.” The smaller girl begins walking towards the cafeteria but stops when she sees Beth isn’t following.

“Um, I’m actually just going to head back to the dorm. I have a lot to do for Monday, and I’m not going to have a lot of time this weekend so I want to get a jump on it…” Beth knows it’s a weak like, but that ball of stress has not only grown but is now rolling around inside and she really needs some space and time to deal with it.

The look of disappointment on Alison’s face doesn’t help either. “Oh.” She says quietly. “Well, I guess I’ll just see you…?”

“ _Tomorrow morning_.” Beth says quickly, before adding, “Oh, and I always drive to races. The only other person S trusts not to plow the van into oncoming traffic is Stubbs, and last time she drove she got us lost…” She realizes she’s rambling, and tries to come to her point. “Anyway, I think you should sit shotgun.”

“You do?” Alison says, not trying to contain the small smile forming.

“Yeah.” Beth breezes, wanting to make light of it. “Sarah won’t mind and I’d definitely appreciate the company of someone who’s not going to spend the whole ride trying to piss me off.”

“Well in that case, I’ll see you tomorrow morning.”

“Cool. Looking forward to it. See you then, Ali.”

“Bye Beth,” Alison says, before turning to head towards the cafeteria.

“See ya,” Beth mumbles, mostly to herself. She plods along towards her dorm, lost in thought.

 _Alison is... amazing._ The more Beth gets to know her, the more she realizes this. And that and that they are very, very different people. _For one thing, Alison has her shit together. She has plans. She has goals. She’s organized- maybe a bit too organized even._ She’s order where Beth is just... chaos.

_So what? Aren’t opposites supposed to attract?_

She registers so little around her she’s almost surprised she’s already at her door when she digs out her key to open it.

 _Attraction isn’t the problem though_ , she continues, entering her room and flopping on the bed. _It’s what happens after that. That’s where things fall apart._

Beth kicks off her shoes and rakes her fingers down her face as memories of high school come flooding back.

Beth had always been a bit of a flirt. Okay, a lot of a flirt. People love being paid attention and they usually- yes even the straight girls- flirt back with her too. It’s all fun and games of course, until Beth takes it to the next level. She learned that the hard way.

Her therapist- the _idiot_ her dad forced her to see back when she first had all her problems- had encouraged her to pursue “ _Positive, life-affirming things. Like relationships_.”

So despite her gut feelings she tried it. She remembered rationalizing it. _He’s a doctor, he must know something, right?_ Unfortunately this doctor did not seem to take into account how difficult it might be- being queer and pursuing an actual _relationship_ , in high school, in a small rural town.

Needless to say it did not work out well. Thankfully she had Art, and the rest of the track crowd otherwise she would have been a complete outcast. She learned quickly after that to just to nod and smile when the doctor gave his “recommendations”.

But now she was here again. Toeing the line between attraction and action. Only this time, the stakes feel higher somehow. Alison’s actions can definitely be interpreted as a bit flirty, sure, but what will happen if Beth takes it a step further? If next time she doesn’t stop herself- _can’t_ stop herself? As bad as the rejection (and ridicule) from high school was the mere idea of Alison turning her down, or changing her mind...

Beth winces as her stomach continues to contort inside her- as if it is cringing along with the idea.

Her mind wanders the prior night again. _Alison’s smile seemed to glow even brighter in the moonlight..._

Beth huffs out the breath she’s been holding. Yes, it was going to very difficult to keep herself in check. She’s going to need to though, until she and Alison can talk it out. That’s what they need, get it out in the open and be blunt about how they each feel. No misunderstandings, no guessing, no wondering.

Beth's stomach rolls, threatening towards vomit, at the meer _idea_ of how to start that...

_Yeah. Right. Like that’s going to happen._

_I am so screwed._

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry took me so long to update (I got reeeeeeally side tracked with another idea) and thanks as always for all the lovely feedback!!! 
> 
> Look forward to some excellent racing in the next chapters- trust that I'm too obsessed with this sport to just breeze over that :)


	11. Chapter 11

*_*_*_*_*

This was early, even by crew standards, but St. Augustine's College boathouse was at least an hour away and S wanted them there with hours to spare.

Alison wanted to get to the van with time to spare as well. No matter what Beth had told her, Alison doesn't trust Sarah to just GIVE OVER her seat up front. Best to just get there first and claim it fair and square.

So when Beth pulls up with the women's team van- a white, 16 passenger monstrosity that has definitely seen better days- that's exactly what she does. Alison tosses her bag and coxbox in first before climbing up to take her seat.

" 'Morning Ali," Beth says, smiling slowly.

"Good morning," Alison replies, savoring the way her name sounds on Beth's lips. It's 3:30am and Beth's voice is still husky from sleep. Alison realizes it's possible that those are the first words Beth's spoken today and something about that- about Alison's name being the first thing Beth says in a day- rocks her to the core. It's intimate, but like all moments it ends- this time interrupted as Sarah climbs in the back of the van.

"Oi! For real Childs? Don't you two spend enough time sitting next to each other, making googily eyes in the boat?- Why you gotta give up my seat in the van too?"

"Hey, she called it and got there first," Beth shrugs. "Besides, it's not so bad in the back. I hear Stubbs is looking talk about some new theorem she came up with for one of her physics classes. Something about particle annihilation velocity angle... I can't remember- but it sounds right up your alley..." Beth grins in the rear view mirror.

" _Toast_ Childs. Right after racing season is over, you're toast..." Sarah grumbles but takes a seat in the 3 row, all the way in the back, as the rest of the rowers pile in.

It's not long until they're on the road. It's pitch black out and all Alison can see is the finite distance ahead illuminated by the headlamps. It's eerily quiet outside and eerily quiet in the van as well. _It's going to be a long boring drive at this rate,_ she thinks _._ Alison reaches for the radio to cut the silence but Beth stops her- laying a hand on hers as she reaches for the dial.

"Bit too early for music," Beth says, glancing from the road briefly to meet Alison's eyes.

"Really?" Alison chuckles, still looking at Beth but distracted by the hand still atop her own. "It's _never_ too early for music, at least in my opinion."

Beth removes her hand, still staring straight at the road. "Fair enough, but I'm driving, and I say no radio yet."

Alison drops her hand from the nob, slightly miffed but not deterred. It's still quiet, but she's determined to change that. She turns around to face the rest of the van. “Hey, so what kinds of calls do you guys like best during a race?” she poses the question to her teammates.

“Ooo what a wonderful question! Well, personally, I really appreciate when-“

“ _Shut up Stubbs_! This is important!” Sarah interrupts. The other girl shrugs, smiles, and goes back to the text book she's reading.

“Me, I like to be yelled at,” Sarah continues. “If you were allowed to swear, I’d want you to scream at us. Degrading, disparaging, drill sergeant type of shite, yeah? It really gets me going…”

“Hey Sarah, it’s all well and good you’re telling us about your sex life, but she asked about _coxing_ calls!” Beth teases from the driver’s seat.

“If you weren’t driving…” Sarah growls back at Beth, but there’s a smirk on her lips.

“I like crisp power-10 calls. A different focus each time.” Rachel adds lightly, pausing to look up from her tablet. “And please do annunciate. Sloppy calls equate to sloppy catches…”

“Hey Childs, maybe your joke about coxing and sex preferences _does_ translate!" Sarah leers. "Can’t you just see Rachel now, in the middle of shaggin' and she's all like ‘ _Yes, power ten for strong finishes- And please don’t be late. It is so irksome when you’re late’…”_ Sarah’s impression of Rachel’s posh accent is spot on, the rest of the team roars with laughter.

Rachel simply rolls her eyes and mutters what Alison thinks is a low string of obscenities, before returning to her iPad.

“Was it something I said?” Sarah smiles. “ _Childs_ \- what about you. You’re stroke seat, so you should probably weigh in. What should our fair coxswain say to really _get you going_?”

Beth simply shrugs, “I’m happy with anything that moves the boat. If it's something that gets everyone to work their hardest, I’m good.”

“ _Oh Come on_! We’re having a good discussion here about what everyone wants in bed- I mean _the boat!_ " She chuckles. "I’m _sure_ you have a favorite…”

Beth simply shrugs again, and Sarah backs off, not getting the kind of reaction she wants.

The van, and the girls in the front seat slip into silence once more and Alison's mind drifts. Her gaze drifts a bit to her left as well, and falls on Beth's hands. One grips the steering wheel, the other is casually draped over the arm rest. Alison thinks about those hands, how they're rough and strong, but deft and delicate too.

The heater in the van is going and the warmth and silence blanket her and make her eyelids heavy. She thinks about what those hands would look like on her. One hand grasping her own, the other casually draped over her stomach. She relaxes further in her seat and for once, she allows herself the indulgence of not resisting her own consciousness. She lets her mind wander further to a scene- a Sunday morning. Sunday morning in some other world- where she would wake up to find Beth asleep curled up to her. Alison would be reading the paper in bed quietly until the rustling stirs Beth, who raises her head. "Morning Ali," she'd say, her voice husky from sleep like this morning...

Only a short time passes before Alison drops off to sleep with a smile on her face. She doesn't bother wondering how it was she's gone from never thinking about having a girlfriend to imagining them together on a Sunday morning. Instead, she wonders exactly what would have to happen for her to be able to visit that world when she was awake too.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

“Ali, we’re here…”

Waking up she has to take a moment to reorganize herself. “Oh…” she yawns, rubbing her eyes.

Beth grins, “Yeah, time to rise and shine. And be glad I didn’t let Sarah wake you up. She wanted to dump her water bottle on you.”

Both girls exit the van and begin walking towards where the team was set up.

“You know, I don’t believe you for a second you know,” Alison states, jumping in and restarting the conversation they'd left off an hour earlier.

“Don’t believe what?”

“I don’t believe you don’t have specific coxing calls you favor over others.”

“Oh really?”

“Yes. What I don’t understand is why you wouldn’t tell me. Sarah’s right- you’re the _stroke seat._ And besides that, I know you Beth. You’re super competitive and you live and breathe rowing. You MUST have favorite calls…” Alison’s surprised at her own insistence. Part of her knows that it’s more the idea of Beth keeping something from her, than a deep desire to know the rower’s preference for something so mundane, that is gnawing at her.

Beth raises an eyebrow also at Alison's insistence. “Well, I mean… yeah. I do. Sort of.”

“Well you’re going to share those sort of favorites then. If there’s anything I can do to help us all win, I want to do it.”

Beth chuckles as they arrive at the trailer site. She grabs a bin of seats and the two walk to the boat to put them on. “You’re awfully enthusiastic. You’ve come a long way from ‘I’m not sure crew is right for me’…”

“Yes well…I guess you can say, even though it’s only been a short while, I’ve sort of… fallen for it.” Alison blushes and it takes all she has to look Beth straight in the eyes. Purposeful in doing so.

Beth blinks and furrows her brow a bit. “Fallen…for rowing?”

 _And you. AND YOU_. The words are there. On the tip of her tongue, but she swallows them. “Yes, for rowing.”

“Oh.”

_Oh? Just Oh?_

Alison can’t tell if Beth looks relieved or disappointed. Feeling like she may have gone off track, she backs up a bit. “Uh- yes. Yes. So how about those favorite calls you were going to share?’

Beth walks around the other side of the boat now, facing Alison and putting in one seat at a time. “Well, it’s not so much _what_ is said, but _how_ it’s said, really…”

“What do you mean?”

Beth bites her lip and her eyes leave Alison’s dipping down and keeping busy at the task at hand. “Well, I want fire. I want to… to hear someone _wanting_ what they’re asking for, you know? It doesn’t matter if it’s a power 10 or crisp catches, or a sprint or what- I just want to hear whoever’s calling it want it so bad they make me want it too. Passion, you know? _Fire_. Nothing’s worse than a blasé coxswain. It’s like, don’t ask me for something- _DEMAND_ it. _TAKE_ it. I want it to sound like if don’t get those next few strokes, if you don’t see us give it all up those next few moments, you’ll just die…” Beth finally meets Alison’s eyes again. “Does that make sense? You know that feeling I'm talking about?”

Alison nods. She nods because she’s not exactly sure what will come out of her mouth if she opens it.

There’s little time to dwell on it either- Coach S walks up to the pair, and addresses Alison. “Come now Love, we have to go to the coxswain’s meeting.” Alison moves to say something to Beth, but thinks better of it. _Not now, later. Later._ And she falls in line behind S.

Beth had told her previously that during official regattas the coxswain meeting was a time for the officials to go through the course map with all coxswains, letting them know about traffic patterns, starting procedures and everything else....

This only being a "friendly" scrimmage meant that the coxswain meeting wasn't quite as official. As far as Alison could tell it seemed to be little more than an opportunity for Coach S and Ms. Bowles (the St. Augustine's coach) exchanging barbs. It makes Alison wonder if Beth's theory about them might actually hold water.

"You're looking well _Marion_ ," S intones. "Is Sheep still treating you well?"

"Shepard- my _HUSBAND_ \- is doing well, thank you for asking. I can only hope you find someone as lovely. About time for you to settle down, don’t you think? I'd hate to think of you as some lonely old lady with nothing but your precious _records_ to keep you company..."

“I think we both know that me finding someone isn’t a problem. But unlike you, I’m not about to _settle_ for anyone or anything...”

The two stare at each other for a full minute, looking like both contemplating homicide, before Alison jumps in, extending her hand to Mrs. Bowles “Hi, I’m Alison. I’m the new coxswain for our team...” Alison was used to adults behaving badly. She often had to smooth things over at her mother’s cocktail parties when inebriated guests had their middle-aged egos bruised and we looking to start an argument.

Alison’s interjection seemed to break the spell a bit, as Marion snaps her attention back to Alison. “Oh of course. And this-“ she waved a small girl over, who Alison hadn’t even noticed until this point, “-is my daughter Charlotte.”

 _Daughter?_ Alison thought.

“Daughter?” Coach S asked, as if reading Alison’s thoughts. “Is she old enough to be coxing for your team? College already?”

“Yes. She is. We adopted her, and she skipped a few grades. This is her first year at St. Augustine’s.”

Coach S appraises her for a moment. The girl did look very young, or at least quite small. She had dark brunette hair that hung loose halfway down her back, and dark eyes like she knew more than she saying. Coach S nods, accepting the explanation, and Coach Bowles continues on and explains the course and race.

Alison learns which lane she’ll be in and that St. Augustine will be racing not one, but two boats in their race: Their A Boat and B Boat. She also learns that Charlotte will be coxing the A boat.

By the time she and S get back to their trailer, the men’s team has already launched for their race and the rest of the women’s rowers are just returning from a warm-up run. Alison frowns, she wanted to wish Ramon good luck- _I guess for now I’ll just a have to focus on my own luck._

Beth gathers the rowers around quickly. “Alright ladies- it’s go time! Everybody in uniforms and hands on the boat...”

“Uniforms?” Alison asks as Beth begins shucking off layers.

She doesn’t have to wonder for long. Rowers remove the sweatshirts and track pants from the early morning, stripping down to what looked like one piece wrestling singlet.

“Yeah,” Beth grumbles, stripped down to spandex herself. “Like ‘em? They’re terrible. Racing Uni... whoever came up with these can just _eat it_ as far as I’m concerned. It always makes me feel like a cased sausage...”

Alison can help but run her eyes up and down Beth quickly. The spandex left nothing to the imagination, clinging to toned muscles that Alison wagers were ready to explode into action at a moment’s notice. She clears her throat, looking away a moment before adding, “I don’t think you look like a ‘cased sausage’ at all...” When lifts her gaze again, Beth is smirking.

“Thanks Ali.”

“I don’t, um, need to have one right?” She asks, feeling like coxing would be hard enough to do fully clothed, and feared she wouldn’t fair looking quite as good in the revealing clothing.

“Not this time. But, you should wear this,” Beth says, handing over her varsity jacket, “Dyad University Rowing” big and bold on the back.

“Oh, perfect,” Alison slips it over her head. It’s still warm from Beth.

“Childs! You can give her your pin and ask her to prom later!” Sarah jokes from where their boat sat in slings. “We have a race to get to!”

“Shut up Sarah!” Beth smiles, before returning attention to Alison. “She’s right though. We should go. But listen...” Beth starts, taking a deep breath. “Just know that you _have_ this. I’ve never seen someone take to coxing and this sport so fast. You’re a natural. Just remember- we’re chaos. We’re the power behind the storm and you’re job is to control it. Your job is to harness it, tell us what to do and then ask for more. Bring the FIRE, Ali. You’re going to be awesome.”

Beth moves towards the boat but stops suddenly. “Oh, and don’t forget these.” She takes the aviator sunglasses off her head, and carefully places them onto Alison’s face. Alison watches through blue tinted glass as Beth takes a step back and appraises.

“Yup,” Beth grins. “Total Badass. Now let’s kick some ass.”

 

*_*_*_*_*


	12. Chapter 12

Alison feels numb, almost paralyzed with nervousness. She manages to go through the motions of the warm up once they’re on the water though. She even gets a few practice starts in before they reach the start line.

Alison's not sure if this is normal or not, but she's struck by how _quiet_ everyone is in the boat. Not that they're usually talkative. In fact, after her initial verbal explosion a few weeks ago, talking in the boat was well under control. Usually there's a lighter _feeling_ from the rowers though. At the moment, all she's getting from her crew is stony silence. She hopes that it's more about focus and not some sort of sense of impending doom that's settled over them.

"Hey- We’ve _got_ this guys." Alison says, as confidently as she can manage. It's as much for herself as it is for the crew.

Alison takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly before stating “Sit ready,” into the mic. She’s in the middle lane, sandwiched by the other school’s two crews. She doesn’t look at them though- she focuses on listening for the official’s starting calls. She stares straight ahead.

Her gaze shifts from down the course, to the rower in front of her. She’s not sure how Beth can tell Alison is looking at her from behind the ridiculous aviator glasses, but she clearly does. Beth gives a quick smirk and an affirming nod, before flexing her fingers on the oar and letting her face settle into a neutral and focused expression as well.

“All boats- sit ready!” The official states, and Alison’s heart feels like it’s in her throat. “Ready all- ROW!”

And they're off.

Alison’s vaguely aware that she's screaming. Screaming calls at her crew. Somewhere in the back of her mind, she registers the noise of the other 2 coxswains, but ignores it. She's a zombie- no most correctly she's possessed. She barely recognizes her own words but whatever she's saying must be good because the boat is flying.

They’re moving fast- _too fast_ in fact, and the motion is jerking the boat back and forth like a zipper. She remembers a practice earlier this week. _Controlled Chaos_ \- that's what they need. She calls for control on the slide and like magic all 8 rowers shift down. Slower, but just as strong, and the jerking in the boat gives way to smooth power.

_Controlled Chaos._

She's talking- talking continuously- urging them on. Of the two St. Augustine boats, the B- Boat has fallen behind, but the A boat- the one Charlotte is coxing- is close. Charlotte’s boat is only a half a boat length ahead of them in the lane to the right.

Alison hears Charlotte call for a power 10 and sees that boat begin to make a move to leave them behind.

 _Oh no you don't_. _Not today._

Alison grits her teeth makes her own move. Her voice thunders into the mic, "I want a power 10 in two to take it back from them! _ONE_! _TWO_! GIVE ME TEN _NOW_! _TEN_! _NINE_!-" She barely recognizes her own voice. It's powerful and assured and sounds like someone who knows exactly what she wants.

 _Controlled Chaos_.

At the end of the 10 strokes, they've walked the boat back a bit, catching back up. "I have 2 seat- now give me bow! Now _JUMP-_ on it! _JUMP-_ on it!" She calls in perfect time with their catches and feels the boat pick up out of the water- picking up speed and walking it back another two seats so she's just about even with the other coxswain.

Neck and neck, Alison notices the lane marker buoys change color, indicating they're in the last 500 meters. She finishes another power ten, and glances at the cox box. _300 meters left- SPRINT DAMNIT!_

"300 meters left ladies! I want open water between us- give me _open water_! _NOW_! _CATCH_ -and send! _CATCH_ -and send!-" She roars into the mike and the fire in her voice sets the rest of the crew ablaze.

The rest is a blur. The rhythm, the noise- it takes over. They lose a half a seat of length, then gain it back- give and take, back and forth and as they pass under the finish line Alison is really completely and totally unsure who won. She calls the exhausted crew to drop down to paddle, and then to way-enough and stop.

She looks over the Charlotte's boat, and is relieved to see they seem just as unsure as she does.

"Hendrix! Did we have it?!?"

"Did we win???"

"I think we had it!"

The crew calls up to her between ragged breaths and she has no answer. Beth, in front of her, is slumped down over her knees. Alison can see her back rising and falling, heaving for air, hard.

Alison is worried for a moment but then Beth looks up, smiling through her gasps, and quirks and eyebrow as if to say, _Well?_

Alison looks to the officials on the side of the river- they signal for her to dock.

"Alright , bow four, pick it up in 2- were' going to dock," She says.

"But did we _win_?" someone mid boat asks.

"I'm not sure!" Alison barks into the mic, just as frustrated. That seems to quiet the rest, and the paddle into the dock in silence.

As the rowers reach out and catch the dock, slowing them to a stop, Coach S runs down the ramp, and up to the boat.

"YOU DID IT LADIES! YOU DID IT! YOU BEAT THEM!" She yells, and the race official trailing behind her nods, letting them know it's for real.

The yells are deafening. Nobody waits for Alison's call, they all leap out of the boat, scrambling up on shaky legs to hug and jump and celebrate.

Alison hops out as well and is barely on her feet before she's engulfed by Beth- who picks her up, spinning her and squeezing her so hard Alison feels her ribs creak.

Beth sets her down, but Alison is still spinning- drunk off adrenaline and high off the feel of Beth's body pressed to hers. The rower's face is effervescent. It's bright and alive and even though she knows Beth is probably ready to pass out, the look that she's giving Alison makes her think Beth’s hungry for more.

So many things are ready to be said. _Now_ , Alison thinks. _Now \- not later_.

She doesn't get the chance though.

Suddenly there are two sets of strong hands clamped on her arms and she's being dragged backwards.

"HEY! What's the meaning of this?!?!" Beth is grinning, following as Sarah and Helena continue dragging Alison toward the end of the dock.

Once they reach the end, the two sisters work in perfect unison: Sarah grabs Alison’s arms and Helena drops down to grab Alison's ankles, lifting them up so the small coxswain is hanging like a suspension bridge between the twins.

"Wait-" Alison yelps, her brain finally catching up to what was about to happen. "No no no no no-"

But with one big swing the two rowers heave Alison's light frame high into the air, sending her hurtling out over the water.

She lands with a splash, the icy water shocking her system. She resurfaces, gasping and when she turns back towards the dock, she sees her whole team clapping and whooping. Beth tries, unsuccessfully, to stifle her own smile, covering her mouth in an attempt to hold it in.

Alison wills her cold muscles to move and doggy paddles back towards the group. Helena and Sarah lean down, heaving her up out of the water and onto the dock.

"What the EFFING hell!!!" She screams, hugging herself to keep warm as a puddle already starts forming at her feet.

"I guess Childs neglected to tell you about that lil' tradition, yeah? The winning team always throws their coxswain in the river!" Sarah grins and punches Alison playfully in the arm. "Man, I'm glad she didn't though- the look on your face! Priceless Pinky! Priceless!" Sarah throws her head back laughing, and her Helena does the same. As they both turn and walk back towards the ramp, Alison can see Ramon with the men's team behind them, graciously carrying the boat up for the women. _Another tradition?_

Beth reminds behind, still smirking. "You really got some nice air there..."

"You know," Alison says as they begin to walk back towards the trailer as well. "It would have been nice if you told me about that particular tradition..."

"Well, like Sarah said- your face was totally worth it."

"Still, I could have been able to pack some clothes to change into. It's not exactly warm out here."

"Oh. Yeah.” Beth rubs the back of her neck nervously. “Didn't think of that.” She pauses though considering, before adding, "I have some spare clothes in my bag if you want to change into those. I always keep some spare stuff, 'cause you never know, right?"

"Yeah, you never know when someone's going to grab you and _throw you in the river_ ," Alison huffs, though it’s almost impossible to stay mad with Beth..

"True, true..."

They arrive at the trailer to the celebration already in progress. The boys have managed to de-rigged the boat in record time and are loading it on the trailer (“ _Probably anxious to get back and get to drinking”, Sarah speculates)._ Coach S makes them take about a dozen pictures _(“She'll probably have them blown up a few feet and then send it to Coach Bowles”_ , Beth whispers). After a bit though, Beth and Alison are finally able to step away. "Come on, my bag’s in the van. You can change there," Beth chuckles as Alison starts to visibly shiver.

Beth unlocks the side door of the van and the two girls climb in, closing it behind them. Beth pulls her small duffle bag out from under the seat and hands it to Alison. “Here. There’s clothes inside you can change into,” she says, climbing back into the driver’s seat.

“And what will you be doing?” Alison asks, pulling items out.

“Keeping watch. _Duh_. Wouldn’t want anyone walking in on you, threatening your modesty or anything, right?” Beth grins before turning back to face the windshield.

Beth pretends to scan the parking lot for potential interrupters, when really she’s just trying to keep herself distracted. Distracted from the fact that the girl she hasn’t been able to stop thinking about is currently half naked, sitting a foot or two behind her.

Beth feels like things are slipping out of control with Alison, like she’s barely hanging on. She’s been fighting a battle with herself: A battle between what she needs and what she wants.

What she _needs_ is to sit down and have a nice, calm, discussion about what exactly is going on between them, so everything can be out in the open. And maybe- _just maybe_ \- if she does that, then she can spare them both a lot of trouble and a lot of disappointment and awkwardness.

The flipside of the battle is what she _wants_ , and what she wants is Alison. _Alison, Alison ALISON_ and that’s the part of she’s fighting. The rash, impulsive, stupid part of her that _hates_ talking and _hates_ confrontation and would much rather just fucking _DO SOMETHING_ rather than sit and parse it out first.

Unfortunately, that part of her has been the source of most of her issues in the past. Beth is always afraid of losing control again because... well because she _likes_ it. She likes the feeling of losing herself, of giving up, giving in, because it’s easy. It’s so, so easy.

_And what’s better than just saying ‘fuck it’?_

Beth glances at her left forearm. The skin has healed over time, but the ghosts of the red angry lines are still fresh and visible in her mind.

Beth shakes her head. _No. There are lots of things that are better. Losing control = not good._ And while she doubts things with Alison, even if they went south, would make her totally fall off the wagon with those darker things, she doesn’t trust herself that it won’t.

And that’s all there is to it.

So Beth’s resisted doing anything impulsive, or has been trying to, all day. She resisted telling Alison before their race, that her smile makes Beth feel warm and happy from the inside out. Like drinking hot cocoa on a cold day. And she resisted- _barely_ \- the urge to tell Helena and Sarah to kindly fuck off so that she can continue holding on to Alison back on the dock... the girl’s skin- even soaking wet- burning under her fingertips, begging to be touched.

And currently, she’s resisting the urge to turn around, and say/do god knows what... but when the rustling of clothes stops and Alison mutters “This won’t do...” Beth just can’t _help_ it. She turns around and is so delightfully surprised, she doesn’t even try to hold back her laughter.

Beth had the spare clothes in her bag so long, she’d completely forgotten exactly what they were. So she had no way to prepare for the image of proper Alison Hendrix sitting in Beth’s own worn out high school track shirt- complete with cut off sleeves, and her brothers’ hand-me-down basketball shorts. Both items are significantly oversized for Alison’s petite figure, making her look like she was dressed up in some giant’s clothing.

“It’s not funny!” Alison chirps indignantly, but the juxtaposition of her stern look and her ridiculously oversized clothing only makes Beth laugh harder. The rower falls out of her seat and into the aisle between seats, finally crawling up on to the bench seat beside Alison.

“Stop laughing- I _KNOW_ I look ridiculous.”

“I dunno, I think this could be a good look for you,” Beth says- laughter slowing as she pauses to wipe a tear away.

“Oh _please_ ,” Alison rolls her eyes, her hand fussing awkwardly with her still-damp ponytail.

“No but seriously, you look _adorable_. ”

“I do not...”

“No, _really_ Ali."

Something in the way Beth says it, the insistence of the tone... suddenly it feels as if someone has sucked the levity from the van. Neither girl dares to breathe, both suddenly all too aware of the little space between them.

Nobody moves, both afraid a stray gesture might set something off. Beth notices Alison is blushing ( _Seriously, is she always blushing?)_ and Alison glances down for a moment before looking up again, meeting Beth’s eyes through her slightly frizzy bangs. Finally breaking the silence, Alison bites her lip before starting, “Beth... I-“

But Beth _can't_. She can't resist any longer. Something inside her just snaps- collapses under the weight of feelings and actions not expressed, for so long.

“ _Shut up,_ ” Beth breaths, before surging forward, their lips colliding and pushing Alison back against the seat.

And there’s _relief_. There’s always relief when she loses control. It’s a relief to have her lips pressed to Alison’s. _Finally_.

 _HOLY SHIT,_ Beth thinks _. This is actually happening._

That initial pressured contact recedes slowly, and Beth lets her lips linger softly on Alison’s before backing off a few inches. As she moves back, both girls opening their eyes again, that feeling of relief recedes as well, and Beth is left to deal with the consequences and reality of her actions.

_Oh shit. That actually happened._

Both of them stare at each other in shock. A moment of stunned silence passes before Alison blinks and breathes a quiet, “Oh my...”

“ _Oh shit_...” Beth whispers grimacing, and Alison's face falls a little, concerned by Beth's reaction.

“Beth... listen... I-“

“Oh _SHIT_ ” Beth exclaims again, louder this time. She shakes her head like she just woke up, everything hitting her at once. “Oh shit shit SHIT! Why couldn’t I just- SHIT! I'm an _IDIOT!_ Ali, I’m so sorry! I-“

“No no no!” Alison’s hands move up to comfort Beth, but Beth moves back some so Alison isn’t able to reach all the way out to touch her. “No, Beth- It’s fine. Really. Actually I-“

“It’s ‘ _fine’_? It’s ‘ _FINE_ ’??? I don’t want this to be just _fine_ \- No. No no no no Ali, it’s not. It’s-“

Beth doesn’t get much more out as the van door opens and the remainder of the women’s team files in. Third or fourth in, is Sarah who takes one look at Beth’s face and frowns. “What up Childs? We, uh, _interuptin’_ anything?”

Beth's mind is a tornado. This is everything she'd worried about, only worse. Worse, because instead of Alison slapping her, or yelling, or doing something that Beth could use to help her move past this- she says it's okay. It's _fine_.

 _Pity_. It's almost worse than rejection.

“No.” Beth shakes her head, and wills her face to return to its normal nonchalant look. “Nope, it’s..." She glances at Alison once more before looking back to Sarah. "Everything's _fine,_ actually. Uh, hey- why don’t you sit up front with me for the ride back?”

“You serious?” Sarah asks, looking from Beth to Alison as if to say, _What about her?_

“Yeah...” Beth replies, voice steady again. “Why wouldn’t I be?” She crawls forward between the two seats and back into her place behind the steering wheel. Beth can recognize that she and Alison could benefit from talking this out. Her rational mind knows that. But not right now. Beth needs to go on emotional lockdown for a little bit. She didn't think it would feel this bad, but it does. They'll talk, but definitely not right now.

Sarah quirks an eyebrow towards Alison, eyeing her current wardrobe. “Mixing it up with your look, huh? I’m still callin’ ya Pinky either way, if that makes a difference...” before smirking and crawling into the front seat as well. “Well this is good- I wanted to get some tunes going- get a little pre-game mood up in here to warm up for the shindig tonight.”

“I’m not going” Beth mumbles.

“Not going?” Alison adds from her spot on the bench behind, the last rowers filing in beside her.

“Like hell you’re not.” Sarah scoffs to Beth, ignoring Alison completely. “You are _not_ pulling that melancholy bullshit tonight Childs. You’re really not. In fact, I don’t care if your brains start spontaneously oozing out your ears- you’re still going. _We beat bloody St. Augustine!_ And I’m not lettin’ by best bud miss her victory party because of a case of the ‘ _mean reds_ ’ or whatever shite it is goin’ on in that head of yours.” Sarah shoves Beth’s shoulder slightly. “So why don’t you drive us home already? Felix texted we need to help him clean up a bit before everyone comes over...”

Beth nods silently. For the rest of the ride back, she stares straight ahead, never once glancing towards the rearview mirror and never once catching sight of wounded and confused expression on the face of the coxswain sitting behind her.

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry it's been so long since the last update! (and sorry I keep saying that!) Updates will definitely be a bit quicker now that I have things a bit more sorted out. Only a few more chapters left (3 or 4, depending on what I cram in to each) and resolution is around the corner, I promise!


	13. Chapter 13

“Dude, can I _please_ just go back to my dorm now? I’m tired, and still gross from crew and if you really wanted me to go to this party you’ll at least let me shower and take a nap first...”

Sarah had shanghaied Beth directly after they returned to campus, dragging her to Felix’s under the pretense of helping set up for the party.

“No way- I’m not lettin’ you sulk outta here and _disappear_. I’m not lettin’ you outta my sight...” Sarah flops down on the couch next to Beth, having finished stringing the last of the gaudy Christmas lights she’d hung for decoration- much to her foster’s brother’s dismay.

“Are you bloody kiddin’ me with these lights Sarah? Looks like St. Nick’s rubbish sale left overs threw up on my décor...”

“And what décor is that exactly?” The punk asks, picking up a garish orange and purple vase from the side table.

“Thrift Store Chic. It’s all I can afford, but it’s better than, than-“ he gestures anxiously at the lights above his head. “Than this tripe.”

“What do you think Beth?” Sarah asks, turning to her friend. “The lights are good, yeah?”

Beth smirks, “No, they’re ugly as sin Sar. BUT, they definitely make it a bit more festive, so sure. They’re okay.”

“God, I can’t bloody believe this...” Felix lets his hands drop to his sides in defeat and stomps off to the kitchen to check on the Jell-O shots they’d made earlier.

Alone again, Beth makes another attempt to leave. “Seriously though, I’m post-race level dirty Sarah. I’m gross and I need a shower. _PLEASE_ , let me go back to my dorm.”

Sarah rolls her eyes, “Fine. But I’m coming with...” Beth huffs to this, but Sarah ignores it and keeps going. “Listen you- I know there’s more up with you right now than you’re lettin’ on. I’d hafta be blind not to see the weirdness with you Alison. I just don’t want it to keep you from havin’ a good time, okay?” She smirks. “Anyway yeah, let’s get goin’. I need a shower too...”

“What, you going to follow me in _there_ too? I’m flattered Sar, but I think we’re better as friends,” Beth jokes as they gather their stuff and move towards the door.

Sarah smacks her playfully, and as they reach the door it opens before them- admitting Ramon, with giant case of beer in hand. “You guys headed out already?”

“Yeah, gotta get Cinderella here ready for the ball,” Sarah jokes, dodging Beth’s halfhearted smack back.

“Okay, we’ll see you later then.” Ramon sets the case down before adding, “Hey, it looks great in here. I love the lights.”

Both girls barely hear Felix’s _“You have to be kidding me?!?!”_ bellowed from the kitchen over the sound of their laughter and the door closing behind them.

*_*_*_*_*

Alison somehow manages to hold it together. She’s almost thankful she has work that afternoon to keep her occupied until the party. At the moment it’s much more convenient to let the complex substitutions from the order at table 8, hijack her thoughts instead of Beth.

Eventually, her shift comes to a close. Despite the advanced notice she gave her job, they still only let her out about an hour before the party was supposed to start. Alison rushes back to her dorm as quickly as she can, wanting to make the most of her time to be able to get ready- both outfit and thought wise.

Digging through her clothes, she’s slightly disappointed. The polo shirts and button downs she normally loves just don’t scream “ _party_ ” to her tonight.

Alison hears the lock turn, and look up as door opens and Cosima walks in, hand entwined in Delphine’s who follows quickly behind.

“Oh hey, you’re back!” Cosima greets her brightly, though slightly surprised.

“Oh. Yeah...” Alison is still riffling through clothes.

Cosima hops on her bed, legs folding comfortable under her. “I don’t know why, but I thought you were going to be gone until Sunday.” She shrugs, “Anyway, how’d it go?”

“Oh, we won,” Alison says distractedly, still digging around as if she expected some new outfit to appear.

“That’s amazing!!! Congrats dude! –OH! And _Please_ tell me that in your post-win euphoria you and your rowing crush found time to uh, _celebrate_...”

Alison looks up to see Cosima’s waggling her eyebrows suggestively around the last word. The coxswain sighs and flops defeated on her own bed, hands raking down her face. “No. Well, sort of, but no... _that’s_ the problem. We went to the van, because I needed to-“ she stops, knowing that saying _needed to change my clothes_ was only going to cause more questions, “-never mind. Anyway, she kissed me, but then all of a sudden was like ‘sorry’ and I started to try and say, ‘no it’s fine’ but then she got weird, and we then were interrupted and now I have to see her at this party and I JUST DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO!” She takes a deep breath, realizing she hadn’t been for the better part of that explanation.

She looks over again, to see Delphine has sat on the bed next to Cosima, and both are looking at her like she’s lost her mind.

Cosima’s the first to pipe up. “Alison, I’m sorry to say, but this girl... she sounds like way too much work...”

“ _What?”_ Alison says, sitting up.

Cosima shrugs. “I’m just saying, I know you’re like super into her and all, but she sounds kinda unstable. Wishy-washy right? Maybe you should cut your losses and-“

“-NO.” Alison glares at her roommate. “No, I’m not just going to _cut my losses_ just because there are few bumps in the road. _Especially now_. If I can just _speak_ to her I could explain and...” she pauses, thinking. “I mean, what you’re not getting is... Beth is just... She’s _amazing_ , okay? She sweet and funny, and kind, and yeah she has some problems- who doesn’t- but she’s working hard on them and I...it’s just... it’s not every day you meet someone that makes you feel special like she does, and makes me _feel_ , like she does, and when I’m around her I feel like... like there’s no place I’d rather be and no one I’d rather be with.. and... just...yeah.”

“Well then,” Delphine begins, in her thick accent. “You will just have to, uh, keep at it, oui?”

“Yeah, _totes_.” Cosima adds. After a moment of consideration, she continues, “And you know, if you get _desperate_ you can always just start flirting with someone else in front of her. Jealousy has a way of motivating people to action...”

“I’m _not_ going to do that,” Alison shakes her head. “That’s a terrible thing to do and besides, she’s still under the impression I don’t like her. I think that would make it worse.”

Cosima shrugs, “Just saying, that could be a last ditch Hail Mary pass, you know?” The dread haired girl hops off the bed, to peer into the clothes draw Alison was riffling through. “But, I think we can both agree then, that the best course of action at the moment is making sure you look devastatingly hot for this party then, right? You need to look so hot that you won’t need a backup. But this stuff-“ she gestures to the contents of Alison’s drawer, “-isn’t going to work. Come on, let’s see what I have for you...”

Alison nods, and follows over to where Cosima is already pulling out shirts.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Beth doesn’t want to be here. She doesn’t. she’s not planning on having more than one beer if she can help it, and she’s already told Sarah she’s not staying more than a minute past their agreed upon time of midnight. Shen’s not.

And she’s not talking to Alison. Well, not about what happened. Not tonight, at least. She’s rehearsed it in her head. She’s just going to politely tell Alison that she doesn’t want to talk about this right now...

... _Or I might shatter into a million pieces_.

People have been trickling in since 9, and now- half past 10- almost everyone is here, and the party is in full swing. Beth sips the beer she’s been nursing since 8:30 or so- now room temperature, flat, and disgusting- and surveys the scene. Sarah and Felix are next to the stereo, continuing to argue over the music. As a result, the playlist has vacillated from house beats with endless pumping bass lines to punk rock singles with barely intelligible lyrics.

Helena doesn’t seem to mind the music though. She continues to gyrate and spasm like a vertical seizure on the dance floor around Jessie, who- for some delightful reason- seems to really enjoy that and is dancing along. Beth stops watching though, when dancing somehow gives way to a make out session, right there on the dance floor.

No one seems to pay them any mind, not that they would care if someone did. They’re the only ones on the makeshift dance floor anyway. Paul and Art are locked in some sort of endless tournament/pissing contest over who should claim the title of Beer Pong champion. Last she saw, Stubbs was doing Jell-O shots with Ramon in the kitchen- at one point spit gagging green gelatin onto his face in response to the some joke of his probably. Katija and Janis are engaged in some sort of heated conversation about... well who knows, since they’re both speaking German. And Rachel... well she is just circling the outskirts of the party like a shark, and now and again drifting closer to the beer pong table and eyeing Paul up and down like he’s a surfer with a leg cramp.

Others mingle around her but the only thing Beth is painfully aware of is the absence of _one_ specific team member. Beth wishes silently that Alison would just show up already because waiting and not knowing when she’ll arrive, is almost worse.

Helena comes over to grab another beer from the cooler next to Beth, sweaty from... well could be a combination of things at this point.

“Hello Elizabeth,” Helena says, smiling in a way that would be bone chilling if you didn’t know how sweet the girl was.

“Hey Helena. I see that you and Jessie are, uh, getting along well. How’d that happen?”

“What do you mean?” Helena asks, shoving a handful of chips in her mouth. “Jessie is nice. I wanted to dance with him, so I did. I wanted to kiss him, so I did.”

“Just like that?” Beth laughs in surprise.

Helena isn’t laughing though. She’s looking at Beth a bit confused. “Yes. Why?”

Beth more serious, “Oh. Nothing...It’s just that, I mean, what if he didn’t like you back?”

Helena smiles and shrugs, “Then he would not. But he kissed me back. Maybe we will be married someday, who knows.” Helena grins again and moves to go, but stops. “You do not look like you are having fun. Would you like to dance with us too?”

Beth smiles, “No, but thanks Helena.”

Helena shrugs again, “Goodbye, Elizabeth.”

_Simple_ , Beth thinks, as she watches Helena make her way back to Jessie. _Can it really be that simple? Why can’t I ever let it be that simple?_

“Childs!” Art calls from the Beer Pong table. “You’re up! Get ready for an ass-kicking!”

Beth smirks and discards her warm beer as she makes her way over, “In your dreams Bell!”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

When Alison enters, the party is at full swing. It’s clear that there are a lot more than just the rowing team here, and she has to push her way through the crowd to even get into room properly. She no more than places her purse down on the couch, when Ramon and Felix greet her, shots in hand.

“Hello- and don’t you look _gorgeous_!” Ramon says, giving her a side hug, and handing her a shot.

“Thanks,” she says, taking the shot glass handed to her. She has no plans on drinking _a lot_ tonight, but she knows that Ramon won’t let her just turn it down. So, she goes with it. _A little liquid courage can’t hurt either_ , she thinks, knocking it back.

It burns on the way down and she winces. She opens her eyes to the sight of Felix dragging another rower from the men’s team over to them.

“Alison, someone for you to meet. Thought you guys might have a nice time together tonight...”

“H-hey again. We met the at the diner, that one time?”

Donnie is sweaty and nervous and just looks like every fiber of his being is vibrating with awkwardness. Alison sighs, this is _not_ what she needs right now. Still she manages to be polite. “Yes. I recall. Hello Donnie.” Donnie mumbles something quietly leading Alison to say, “Pardon?”

“ _Isaid_ , _CanIgetyouadrink_?!?” He yelps, nervously.

“Oh!” She startles. “Uh, sure. Thanks.”

“GREAT!” He says, running off in the direction of the kitchen.

Ramon turns back to Alison, “ _Weeeeeeeeell?_ What do you think? I remembered you guys spoke that night, thought you’d might be interested, you know, since you didn’t mention anyone else dating wise lately...”

“I did say that...” she nods, racking her brain for an excuse to run away, while scanning the crowd. Finally, she spots her- Beth’s at the beer pong table, watching a game in progress. “Oh, I’ll be right back...” She doesn’t wait for a response before she begins pushing her way through the crowd.

Reaching the table, she taps Beth on the shoulder. Beth turns, and is obviously surprised to see her there. The rower's expression quickly settles, but it doesn't escape Alison the way Beth’s eyes quickly run up and down her body- or the nervous way she licked her lip before saying, “Hey, you made it. Uh, you look... great.”

Alison resists the urge to blush, and instead does a little mini twirl, showing off the outfit more. Cosima really did come through clothes wise. The sleek black skirt and red tank top were well beyond her normal comfort zone but she had determined to _own_ them tonight. _No bashful, unsure Alison here_. So instead of blushing, she simply grins, confidently. “Thanks. I’m glad you like it.”

Beth nods, and shifts her weight foot to foot, unsure of where to go next. Alison doesn’t waste time, “So... you think we could talk a minute? You know, alone for a sec?”

“Look, I’d rather not. Not right now at least...”

“Well, it’s about, uh, earlier today...”

“I know, and yeah we probably should, I just...” Beth searches for the way to say it, “I don’t want to do this right now.”

“Beth,” Alison starts, as frustration starts to poke through. “I’m serious. We need to talk and-“

Alison is cut off by Helena who tackles her in a hug as Sarah lopes over after. “Hey! Here’s the coxswain of the hour!!”

Alison, addressing both Manning sisters, gasps “Is this a new thing with you two? Attacking me???”

“I have a feeling we’re not the only ones in the room interested in tackling you,” Sarah says waggling her eyebrows, eerily similar to the way her roomate did earlier. Before Alison can reply though, Donnie returns and is so eager to give her the drink he fetched, he almost spills it all over her. Alison puts on the smile she reserves for her most obnoxious and rude customers and manages a flat, but polite, “Thank you Donnie.”

Sarah rolls her eyes, and shoves him aside though with a “Donnie, shut it for a sec,” and then yells a “HEY! LISTEN UP!” to the room at large, clanging two empty bottles together to grab the group’s attention.

Felix silences the music as the rest of the team's attention is gathered. “ _AHEM_!” Sarah starts, “I’m sure our fearless Capt’n will have something more articulate to say after me, but I wanted to say _Cheers_ to our new Coxswain here! And _WE FUCKIN’ BEAT ST. A’S_!” Whoops and cheers follow, Sarah waiting until they’ve calmed a bit before she turns to Beth. “Anything to add O Captain My Captain?”

Expectant eyes turn and Beth looks uncomfortable for the briefest moment before she shrugs lightly, and clears her throat as well.

“Alright... um, let’s see... Well, we all know there is no better way to ensure victory than putting the hard work into preparation... And that’s what we do- we work hard. I know nobody likes 2-a-days, erg assignments or any workout assigned that ends with ‘ _complete until failure’_... but we do it. I believe that hard work pays off, and we saw that today.” She smiles, and takes a sip of her drink before continuing. “Sometimes though, it doesn’t hurt to have a little luck too. And that’s where...well that’s where Alison came in.

We were so lucky, that we got a coxswain when we did. God knows we couldn’t have afforded any more Manning Sister escapades in steering- so thanks Ram-o for that.” The group chuckles at this as Beth continues. “But when we got to know her, it became clear that we weren’t just a _little_ lucky... From the moment she first arrived at the boat house, Alison has done everything she could to become the best coxswain possible. From research on types of calls, to learning everything there was to know about how boats worked, to _embarrassingly_ memorizing all our 2k PR’s...” collective groan “I’ve seen her put in as much, or even more work than her rowers have...” Beth pauses a moment, considering. “But we all know coxing is more than the calls...” Everyone nods solemnly to this. “A good coxswain needs to bring the fire. They’re the matches that ignite us, and that’s what she is. Today, she brought the fire and we smoked the competition.” Beth grins and finally meets Alison’s eyes. “To Alison!” Beth says, raising her beer bottle. “For bringing the fire!”

Rowers swarm Alison, celebrating. Helena squeezes her tightly again, Janis slaps her back muttering “Fuckin’ A, man. Fuckin’ A...” and Stubbs- already looking fairly drunk- pats Alison’s shoulder affectionately, her giant grin eclipsing Alison’s view for a moment before moving back towards the kitchen. Rachel golf claps lightly on the side before returning her attention to the windows (weird).

Eventually, she is able to make her way to the person she most wants to hear from.

“That was very nice of you to say all that...” she begins

“Well, I meant it,” Beth shrugs, looking off to the side for a moment, adding, “I don’t lie either Ali...”

Alison chews her lip for a moment. “Beth... you don’t even have to talk- I just need to tell you something because you’ve got it all backwards and twisted and-“

“-Hey Beth do you have a minute?” Paul slides up to the pair quickly, interrupting. He adds, to Alison, “It’ll just be a sec- Captain stuff....”

Beth hesitates a moment before nodding. “Yeah. Give me a sec” to Paul and then “I’ll be right back- it’ll just be a moment...” She starts to walk move towards Paul when Alison’s hand shoots out grabbing her shirt.

“Wait- are you serious right now? I’ve been trying to talk to you and now when Paul-“ drops to a whisper “ _who you don’t even like_ \- when he comes around you’re going to drop me? You’re seriously going to talk with _him_ , and not me?!?”

“It’s not like that, it's just team stuff probably. I’ll just be a sec and-“

“-No.” Alison says, cutting Beth off and shaking her head. She glares, _glares_ at Beth, and crosses her arms “No, I don’t think so. I’m tired of making the overture and just- just waiting- until you’re ready or whatever. So when you want to talk about what needs to be talked about, you can find me. I’m going to go and try and have fun.” And with that, Alison spins on her heal and heads out into the crowd.

Beth feels like she’s been socked in the gut. She almost makes a move to follow her but Paul taps her on the shoulder again. Beth grits her teeth, more frustrated with herself than Paul, but follows him all the same. “Okay, _fine_. What do you want- you have my attention, so what’s up? Did S and Carlton suddenly want us for Sunday practice tomorrow? Because that’s going to be a lot more vomiting than erging if so..”

“No- nothing like that. I just... I just needed a minute. We need to finally talk.”

“Are you serious? Am I on hidden camera? Is there an echo in here???” She growls, looking at the ceiling.

Paul sets his jaw, ignoring the outburst. “No,- but we are doing this now.”

“ _Fine!_ “ Beth growls at him. “What then? What do you want me to say Paul? -That I was stupid and a flirt and lead you on? Well I’m _SORRY_ okay? I didn’t mean to lead you on- I had no idea you liked me like that and-“

“ _Bullshit Beth._ You knew I liked you.”

“Fine! Okay! But I really didn’t mean to lead you on or whatever.” She sighs, finally meeting his eyes. “Yeah we flirted, and flirted _more_ , but... I don’t know why or what happened. At the party I was drunk and you were there and part of me was just like ‘ _yeah, that sounds good right now_ ’ but when we started to...well it just... I just realized that I didn’t want _that_. And when I realized that I didn’t want that, I didn’t want to lead you on, and _that’s_ why I stopped...” Beth takes a deep breath, letting it out slowly. “But you know what? That does NOT excuse what you did. Even if I did lead you on intentionally- _which I didn’t_ \- there is no excuse for-for- like running around and saying all that totally hurtful stuff you did! _There’s no excuse Paul!”_

“I know.”

Beth’s anger screeches to a halt. “Wait, _what_?”

He shrugs. “I said I know. _I know_ there’s no excuse of that. And yeah I was hurt- I was pissed even! I mean... I really , _really_ liked you Beth- but you’re right. I shouldn’t have spread the rumors, I shouldn’t have called you names and-“

“-Called me a ‘cold fish’?”

“Right. _Right_. And I’ve _wanted_ to apologize to you, a million times since then, but I never got the chance. You never let me get the chance to do that. So that’s all I wanted to talk about. That’s all I wanted to say _tonight_ \- that I’m sorry, and that I hope we can put all this behind us. I’d like to, if you’d be willing to...”

Beth in shock, pauses. “Thank you. And I’m... I’m sorry too. And I’m sorry we didn’t talk earlier...”

There’s a moment of silence, an awkward beat before Paul chuckles. “Wow. That took almost a year longer than it should. Art’s going to pee his pants in excitement I think. He’s been on my ass about this forever... I think he just wanted us to get along well enough again for us to BOTH be on his bowling team...”

Beth laughs. “What can I say, he knows talent when he sees it... But yeah, it’ll be nice to move on... OH!-“ Beth starts, realizing something. “Speeeeeeeeeeeaking of moving on... I heard a little something about you with a certain blonde from our team perhaps pairing up?”

“We are not talking about that,” He says, sipping his beer. “God we’re friends for like 7 seconds and you’re back up in my business. Geez Childs, jealous much?” She smacks him and he laughs.

“Sorry, but no. I am curious though... do your lips freeze when you kiss her? What else’s freezes, ‘cause Ice Queen there-“

“- _NOT_ talking about it.” He laughs again. “And I’m not asking if _you’re_ interested in anyone because frankly, I don’t want to know.” She laughs “Also... well I’ll just say that whoever it is will be lucky to have you affection.”

Beth smiles. “Man, Duncan’s really got you by the ball man, all this sappy stuff?” She jokes.

“You have no idea.” He mumbles. “Anyway, yeah. Gotta go reclaim my beer pong title. See ya round Childs...”

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison’s pissed. She’s pissed because she starts to think that maybe Cosima was right. Maybe Beth just _isn’t_ able to overcome her own stuff. She shouldn’t have to keep going the 90%, keep putting herself out there over and over, if Beth isn’t able to go the last 10%...

Her thoughts swirl- an angry combination of frustration and the slight buzz she has going. She decides to do just what she said she’d do- have a good time tonight. Or at least _look_ like she’s having a good time tonight. She’s earned it gosh darn it- she lead this team to victory!

She spots Donnie next to the keg, and marches over to him, determined.

“Hello Donnie.”

Surprised, he dribbles some of the beer he was sipping, on to his shirt. He wipes his mouth with the back of his hand quickly, and stands up straight. “Oh, hey Alison. I-“

“-Would you like to dance or something?”

“Uh, to this?” He asks, pointing skyward, indicating the music.

Alison realizes it’s still playing something that could probably double as the soundtrack to the movie SAW II, and shakes her head. “You’re right, sorry. How ‘bout we just... _talk_...” She smiles her most winning smile, the one she breaks out when she _knows_ she’s going to be stiffed for a tip at the diner. The one that people can’t resist.

“Uh, sure! Of course!” He nods emphatically.

“Lovely.”

“Cool. So have you heard about that new movie “Catalyst”? It’s the one with Jean Claude Van Damme. It looks so intense! It’s about this guy who blows up dangerous volcanoes and-“

Alison zones out, letting Donnie continue on. She thinks of Cosima’s advice again, and though it goes against her better judgment, maybe her roommate has a point- jealousy could be effective? _It works in movies right?_ So she grins again, reaching out to touch his arm slightly, before sneaking a glance in Beth’s direction to see if the rower is looking.

As it turns out, Beth is looking, but all satisfaction Alison might feel is wiped away by the look of pure devastation on the rower's face.

_Good_ , she thinks, though it does nothing to quell the queasiness in her stomach. She turns back to Donnie- still prattling on about something- before concluding this was just not her. She iss not this person. She doesn’t play these stupid games.

When she looks back though, she’s just in time to see Beth slip out the door, leaving the party.

_Oh god, I’ve made a terrible mistake_. “I have to go,” She mumbles, more to herself than to her company.

“Wait _now_? But we were in the middle of-“

“-Sorry, uh,” She looks back up at him. “I’m sorry Donnie. I really do have to go...”

“Well, I mean, can I see you again? I, uh,” He clears his throat, stands up straight, and if Alison didn’t already feel terrible about her behavior to Beth, this was almost worse. “What I’m saying is, would go like to go to dinner with me sometime?”

It’s sad, and she knows this isn’t going to end well. She knows what it takes to put yourself out there and, at the same time, she can’t let him go one with any false hope. “Donnie, I like you. You’re a really nice guy... but there’s someone else and I really want to give it a shot with them. They’re very special to me and I... I’m sorry I just can’t. I’d still like to be friends though? If you’d like that?”

His face falls flat, and the hurt is quickly masked with a look of resignation that stabs Alison in the gut. She realizes that this is not the first time (nor the second, third or fourth) that he’s probably heard this speech.

“Yeah, sure. No problem. See ya...” he says. He shrugs, but his shoulders return to a defeated slope as he walks away.

Alison sighs. She does feel bad, but there’s not time to linger. She turns quickly to gather her things but ends up walking smack into Ramon, who had been standing quietly behind her. Felix, who was standing next to him as well, smirks down at her, “The jig- as they say- is up. I knew you were hiding something, so confess!” Felix dramatically throws his arm up, wobbling a bit, before grabbing Ramon’s shoulder to steady himself.

“Why didn’t you tell me?" Ramon asks,quietly. "I wouldn’t have set you up with D-man if I’d known... dude’s had his heartbroken to many times...”

Alison rolls her eyes, “I don’t have time for this right now Ramon...” She pushes past the two boys and begins hunting for her purse near the couch she set it down on.

Ramon turns and follows, “Hey- your my best friend! Can you see how it’s more than a little upsetting to learn that you not only lied, but that there’s some person you feel so strongly about but didn’t care to share?”

Alison tosses pillows aside in frustration. “It’s not like that. I fully intended on sharing if something came of it, but at the time it was pretty up in the air...”

“And what- it’s not up in the air anymore?”

“ _That_ is why I have to go. I have to go so I can fix this... _Ah-HA_!” She finally finds her purse ( _under the couch cushion for some reason_ ) and make a move towards the door.

Ramon hops in front of her blocking her way. “Okay, I get it. But at least tell me who this mystery contestant is that’s finally won your heart...”

Alison sighs. “Fine. It’s Elizabeth. Okay? Now will you let me go?”

“Elizabeth?...” Ramon looks confused, then it hits him. “Shit- _BETH_? Like Beth Childs? Like the stroke seat for your team _Childs_???”

“Yes, yes, now will you kindly-“ Alison tries to push past him.

“Holy Tilda Swinton, _I knew it!_ My gaydar never fails-Pay up honey!” Felix says to Ramon, slurring slightly before taking tipping his bottle up to the ceiling and downing the last of it.

“Are you kidding me right now? You two were _BETTING ON MY LOVE LIFE_?!?!” She pinches the bridge of her nose, before waving it off. “No- No- I _don’t_ have time to deal with this, but we are TALKING. ABOUT. THIS. LATER. YOU. JERK!” She punctuates each word with a slap to Ramon’s arm. He rubs it tenderly and chuckles as Alison stomps off, closing the door behind her.

 

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Updated! Finally! One more chapter to go! I know this was a bit of a mess of a chapter (long mess of a chapter too) but I just had too many things to tie up. STILL have a lot to tie up obviously and I swear, I SWEAR, resolution is around the corner. Thanks for hanging in there and reading!


	14. Chapter 14

*_*_*_*_*

 

Alison doesn't waste time. She walks, swiftly at first, towards Beth's dorm. Thoughts and words swirl and as she crests the hill near the dorm she realizes she started running at some point. She slows to a jog and all but assaults a scraggly looking Junior- yelling for him to hold the door for her as she slips inside behind him.

She takes the stairs two at a time. Her quads burn from the run and the stairs and when she reaches Beth's floor she realizes that this- the race to find Beth- is the only race today that matters.

She knocks 3 times, and her heart is practically vibrating it's beating so hard. The door finally opens, but the face that greets her is decidedly NOT Beth. "Who the Dickens are you? What are you doing here?"

"Um, well, this is my dorm room. Who the hell are you?"

_Oh. The roommate,_ Alison realizes. _What was her name? Jackie?- No, Jen. Jennifer_. "Oh, sorry. I'm Beth's- uh... I'm a friend of Beth's."

Jennifer relaxes a bit, leans on the door frame. "Well, _friend-of-Beth's_ , she's not here. Sorry to disappoint. I can, you know, leave a message for her if you like. Though she's honestly not here that often. I, like, never see her. She might as well be a ghost or something..." Jen rolls her eyes.

"No, that's fine, thank you. I'll probably see her before that."

"No, prob. See ya 'round," Jen says, closing the door.

Alison is alone in the hallway now. _Where else... where else could she be?_

_Cafeteria?_

Alison notes a throbbing in her toes. She looks down, realizing that her earlier shoe selection did not take into account "running" as one of the possible activities for the evening. She slips off the shoes- a cherry red to match her top- and shoves them in her purse, before focusing back on the task at hand.

_Cafeteria. Right_.

She takes off running.

 

*_*_*_*_*

 

Over the next hour, Alison crisscrosses the whole of campus looking for Beth. She searches all the obvious choices (Gym and Library were closed and the Cafeteria was empty) as well as less obvious choices (computer lab was deserted, as was the student lounge).

Alison’s feet are dirty and aching from making her way around mostly shoeless. One of her left toes has nice, stinging abrasion from where she tripped over a crack in the sidewalk. _At least my shoes were spared though_ , she thinks wryly.

Her head hangs, defeated and as she clicks through the entrance doors to her dorm building and makes her way up the stairs, the swirl of worried thoughts and anxiety finally catches up to her.

_I couldn’t find her and now I have to wait until tomorrow to explain myself. Why couldn’t she just listen to me- instead of jumping to all these negative conclusions??? And now I’m going to have to deal with Cosima asking me how it went, and Ramon and Felix and-_

Alison’s thoughts come to a screeching halt as she exits the stairwell though. Her eyes fall on a familiar figure, sitting in the hallway, across from her dorm room door.

Beth catches sight of Alison and stands quickly, as if she was caught laying down on the job by a boss. “Hey...” She says, as casually as she can.

“Hey,” Alison echoes, still in shock that out of all the places she’s searched tonight, _her own dorm room_ is where she finally finds Beth.

“How was the rest of the party?”

“I wouldn’t know. I left right after you did. I’ve been looking for you everywhere actually...”

“You have?” Beth asks, genuinely surprised.

“Yeah, I checked your dorm and the gym and the Caf, and... well _everywhere_. Where did you go?”

Beth rubs the back of her neck nervously, reluctantly meeting Alison’s eyes. “Yeah, I uh thought about grabbing my sneakers, doing a few laps around campus... it’s what I usually do when I need to clear my head a bit. But then I made a decision...” Beth sighs deeply, and stands up a bit straighter. “I decided to stop running. I mean stop running _away_ from things that make me nervous or uncomfortable. I’ve always done that and I’m just...tired. I’m tired of running away. I’m tired of avoiding the things that scare me and I need to...” she chuckles, “I need to _push outside my comfort zone_. ‘Cause if I don’t, I’m not living, I’m just surviving. So... yeah. That’s why I’m here.”

“You’re here because I scare you?”

“Yeah- well, I mean, not _you_ , but... _shit_.” Beth curses, turning away from Alison and leaning her back against Alison’s dorm room door, staring at the other wall instead. “I came here because you were right. We should talk about earlier today. So I’m just going to...uh...okay just _listen,_ okay?” Beth takes a deep breath before continuing. “I kissed you. Earlier. In the van. So I’m sure this won’t come as a huge shock when I say that... I like you Ali. Like, _a lot_. And the more I’ve gotten to know you, the more intense it is. _That_ is what scares me. Feeling that strongly about something- about _someone_ \- scares me because it’s out of my hands. I used to like being out of control because then I didn’t have to deal with anyone or anything, but in a relationship it’s not just you, it’s another person too. I know I shouldn’t have just kept on running away- I should have told you how I felt but I was just afraid of making things weird. I don’t want to make things weird, or whatever because you wonderful. You’re one of most amazing people I ever met actually. I liked you from the moment I met you and I don’t want to lose knowing you just because I have these feelings and-“

Beth’s words are cut off, interrupted by Alison’s lips. Lips that are kissing hers.

“Beth, just stop... _stop talking”_ Alison says between kisses, her voice almost a growl. “I’ve wanted you *kiss* for almost as long...”

“Really??? I-“

“Shut up,” Alison says, kissing Beth deeply, and Beth doesn't even try to reply.

It's so amazing- even more so than she'd dreamed. So much better than a dream though, because she was real, and here. She could touch, taste, see and even smell the hint of shampoo from earlier this day. It was like being high. High on Alison. Beth's been high before, but not like this. _Nothing_ has ever been like this. Every thought, every worry has been exiled, replaced by a single word, a mantra. _Alison_.

Alison is kissing her hungrily, all but devouring her. Beth is barely able to maintain composure with the smaller girl’s hands roaming up and down her sides, fingernails dragging lines down her back. But when Alison nips at Beth’s bottom lip, biting it _just_ hard enough, Beth can’t handle it anymore.

She flips their positions, pinning Alison to the door instead. Beth’s thigh is between Alison’s and she presses against Alison’s center, eliciting a breathy moan from the coxswain that all but makes Beth’s head spin.

Alison’s hands find their way under Beth’s shirt, fingertips splaying over the bare skin of her sides, ribs, sliding up and over her-

Alison pulls back a bit, suddenly. “Do you want to...” she breathes, nodding her head towards the door to her dorm.

_Go inside?_

Beth can’t make words. She doesn’t even remember what words _are_. So she just nods, up and down quickly, like a bobble head doll.

Alison grins, and pulls Beth back to her, recapturing her lips. She fumbles with the key for her door with one hand, her other hand still grasping Beth tightly to her. The lock finally gives way and they all but tumble through the door and into her room, barely losing contact.

Both are so lost in each other it’s not until Alison hears the snicker from the other side of the room, that she realizes they’re not alone. She quickly jumps back, caught red handed. She can already feel the heat rising to her face.

On the other side of the room, Cosima and Delphine are sitting on the bed, their faces illuminated from the laptop set between them. Cosima smirks, eyebrow raised in wicked approval while Delphine continues to muffle her laughter politely behind her hand.

“When I planned to just watch a movie, I had no idea I’d be in for a show too...” Cosima smiles and scoots to the edge of the bed, extending her hand. “I’m Cosima and this is Delphine and I really, _really_ hope you’re the Beth we keep hearing about.”

Beth shakes Cosima’s hand, thankful that it’s dark in the room because she’s sure she must be bright red. "Beth. Nice to, uh, meet you."

“ _I am so sorry!”_ Alison gasps at them both, before turning to Delphine. “Je pensais que vous alliez à la fois d'être à l'appartement ce soir de Delphine . Je suis vraiment désolé et-“

“-Il n'y a pas de raison de présenter des excuses! Vous êtes dans l'amour. Croyez-moi , je comprends.” She winks. Then addresses Cosima, “I think we will finish our movie at my apartment...”

“Really???” Cosima’s dreads sail as her head whips in Delphine’s direction at this.

“Oui. And tomorrow morning, perhaps you will make those, eh, blueberry waffles you speak so highly of...”

Cosima’s grin is all fangs. The dread-haired girl moves quickly, tossing a few items and her computer in her bag so fast Alison wonders if she’s worried the blonde will take back the invitation. Delphine doesn’t though, and gives Alison a small smile as she slips out the door ahead of Cosima. Cosima grabs her bag and heads to the door as well. “See you tomorrow Ladies. Have a good night...”

Beth’s back is turned so, much to Alison’s relief, the rower doesn’t see Cosima mouth “She’s hot!” or any of the accompanying _not-so-lady like_ gestures she mimes before closing the door behind them.

With the soft click of the lock, they’re alone again- Beth standing on one side of the room and Alison on the other- having slumped down on the edge of Cosima’s bed, relieved to no longer have an audience for a moment.

Beth turns back to Alison. “So, your roommate... She’s g-.

“- _Bi_. Actually.” Alison finishes. “Yeah. And believe me, her sexuality is _not_ the most interesting thing about her. Not by a long shot.”

“And her girlfriend... I didn’t know you spoke French...”

“There’s a lot you don’t know about me,” Alison says, standing and slowly making her way across to Beth, “But I really, _really_ , don’t want to do any more talking tonight.”

“I’m surprised you don’t want to _talk_ about all this first...” Beth chuckles down at Alison as she arrives to her, only a few inches away now.

“For the moment, for tonight, I’d rather just keep it _simple_ ,” Alison says, hooking her fingers the loops of Beth’s jeans, pulling Beth flush to her.

“Simple huh?” Beth grins, circling her arms around Alison’s waist. Beth notes the wicked grin on Alison’s face, the glint in her eye- catalogues it. Memorizes it. _If this is what I get for not running away..._ She grins at the thought.

“Yeah. Simple.” Alison says, pushing Beth back slowly until her legs bump against the edge of the bed. “Think you can manage that?”

 “Mmmmm, I think I’ll manage.”

 

*_*_*_*_*

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> aaaaaaand that's it! Thank you all so much for reading, commenting, kudos-ing... everything really :) Despite slow updates on the last few chapters, it's been a blast to write. Thanks again!


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